


The Rookie Hunts - HOME

by DandelionDreaming



Series: The Rookie Series [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Anal Plug, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blow Jobs, Caretaker Dean Winchester, Caretaker Sam Winchester, Character Death, Cunnilingus, Dean Winchester Bears the Mark of Cain, Dean Winchester In Love, Deepthroating, Dirty Talk, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Light Bondage, Multi, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Touching, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Pegging, Porn With Plot, Protective Dean Winchester, Rimming, Sex Toys, Shower Sex, Smut, Spanking, Threesome - F/F/M, Threesome - F/M/M, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:09:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 85,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22333948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DandelionDreaming/pseuds/DandelionDreaming
Summary: Following on from 'The Rookie Hunts - Tulsa',  Dean finds he cannot let the abuse you suffered as a child go.  At potential risk to your relationship, he pulls you back to a place you never wanted to return to and faces losing both you and Sam as he struggles with the outcomes of decisions he's made for those he loves.  Set with Season 9 as rough backdrop, things are only made worse (and more kinky) by the Mark of Cain and complicated feelings all round.To read from the beginning: HUNTER IN TRAINING - The Rookie:  Sam and Dean reluctantly agree to train you as a hunter, Dean calls you 'Rookie' and the two of you have an instant connection leading to all sorts of angst and smut.SONGS : Click underlined chapter headers for Spotify playlist or'The Rookie Hunts - Home'  Spotify Playlist
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Original Female Character(s), Dean Winchester/You
Series: The Rookie Series [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1491710
Comments: 128
Kudos: 187





	1. Prologue: Tulsa - Sweet Child O Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is excerpt from the final chapter of previous work: THE ROOKIE HUNTS - Tulsa.  
> It sets some of the key background for this story - referred to going forward as 'Home'.
> 
> Trigger Warning - mention and flashbacks of past sexual abuse. Nothing explicit detailed.
> 
> [ The Rookie Hunts - Home Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
> 

**[SWEET CHILD O MINE](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) **

**  
_She's got eyes of the bluest skies_ **

_**And if they thought of rain...** _

_**I'd hate to look into those eyes** _   
  
_**  
And see an ounce of pain** _

**GUNS AND ROSES**

'Hmmm, Mmmm. So many choices of favorite places to go next.' He murmured from between your legs, his large hands spreading you wide for him.

Having successfully finished your first hunt, the two of you were having a private celebration in your motel room. Dean had already eaten you out like it was his last meal, and you were still high and floating on a post-orgasmic cloud.

‘Mmmm. I mean I can't go past this…’ He said, his mouth wandering down to nip at your thigh.

‘You can do whatever you want Sir.’ You whispered, unable to move and hazed out in bliss, still recovering from the spectacular explosions he’d coaxed from you a few seconds earlier. Smiling to yourself as you wondered if this was the graduation ceremony he had promised. 

‘Ah, Rookie you’re so godamn beautiful. Fucking love making you come undone.’ His tongue licked at your thigh, nipping closer to your pussy, his hands wandering as he used some of your slick to slip a fingertip into your back hole, eventually chasing it with his tongue, and then inserting his fingertip again. 'Want me to fill you up here baby? I'll get some lube…make you feel so fucking good...’ He whispered.

He had fingered and rimmed you before while eating you out, but you’d never really gotten further beyond that. You’d either distracted him or you’d both been too impatient to do other things. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to do this with him, or at least try… it was just complicated. 

You bit your lip, unsure how to bring it up without being a buzzkill. The last thing you wanted to do was kill his erection because anal or not, your pussy was demanding his gorgeous cock asap.

‘I do baby – I …’ you paused. Maybe you should just push through it. He’d make sure you were prepped, unlike the other times. And you'd been fine so far, maybe it’d be good, he was so very fucking good at making you feel good.

‘What baby? Fuck you look so hot when you bite your lip. Tell me what you want. You know nothing is off-limits with us. I just want to make you happy. You’re so godamn wet.’ He purred, working your ass open a little more, gently adding more slick from your pussy and the tip of another finger, softly scissoring you as he reached for the lube.   
  
It was a strange mixture of good and not good at all. Previously you’d just focused on the good and it’d been fine, better than fine, the first time he had ever eaten you out he'd fingered and licked around your hole and it had been amazing. But with the scissoring and the second finger making its way inside you, the realization that he fully wanted to do this - and do it right now... you suddenly realized you weren't going to be able to push through. You winced as the flashbacks returned, completely blindsiding you... The intrusion. The searing pain. The metallic taste in your mouth as you bit through your tongue all those years ago. The blood that seemed to leak from you for days, made worse every time you went to the bathroom. The shame at the school nurse's office who basically treated you like a gangbanging slut because you couldn't tell her the truth. 

It all came rushing back, overwhelming in its intensity. And for the first time in years, you felt your body start to shut down during sex. 

Almost immediately it was difficult to keep your breathing calm. No, not now. Not with Dean, you pleaded. We can trust him. We want this. We’re stronger than this. We’re strong as fuck. This is fine. We will not give into bullshit weakness. Just pass off the shivers as desire, move on to something else quickly and gracefully, something that feels safer...

But your body wasn’t listening. It was betraying you, already moving beyond your control. Your muscles freezing, as a gasping ‘No. no. no.’ came out of your mouth before you could stop it.

‘What is it, babe? You ok? You have done this before right?’ He asked, immediately pulling back and easing his fingers down and out gently and as quickly as he could. He looked up at your face just as your body started fully trembling. 

Fuck. You tried to smile at him reassuringly and took a deeper breath. Willing your body and central nervous system to calm the fuck down. To let go of the flashbacks. To remember it was safe. That Dean would always and only want to bring it pleasure. 

‘I really want to do this with you baby.’ You said, your breath coming out in shorter harsher gasps as you tried to move your rapidly locking muscles into some sort of order. Forcing your now clenched fists into the bed to push yourself upwards to a sitting position so you could breathe better. ‘And it’s not that I haven’t before… it’s that I just haven’t… umm – willingly.’ Your breath becoming tighter and your head dropping involuntarily as shame washed through you. 

Fuck that.. you were done with feeling ashamed of this shit, of the abuse in your past. But somehow, your body hadn’t fully gotten the memo, your face flushed and neck scarlet with embarrassment as you slowly raised your chin, taking another breath, trying to reclaim your strength as you glanced up at him, noticing with compassion that he was sat back on his knees, frozen and shell-shocked between your legs. Great, you'd freaked him out. Perfect.  
  
‘The foster homes.’ You whispered and shrugged, trying to ease slow breaths out of your body and calm it down as the trembling started to ramp up, moving to full body shaking.

‘Oh my god. Fuck baby. Fuck.’ He muttered, snapping out of it and pulling you close to him. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? I would have never. Fuck. I’m so sorry sweetheart.’ 

‘No, it’s my fault.’ You said, aware that he would think this was a huge deal, when it was really just something you dealt with. It was just a thing that happened in the past. A thing you were used to dealing with, and should have handled better, so moments like this didn’t happen.   
Besides he’d been to hell – literally. Next to that, this wasn’t a big deal. 

‘I’m sorry Dean - I should have mentioned it… I thought I’d be cool with it, I didn’t think I’d be so weak after all this time...’

‘Like fuck it’s your fault.. baby. You know that right? You were just a fucking kid. And irrespective of that - they hurt you. You don’t have to be cool with anything when someone fucking hurts you like that, and the last thing you are is weak.’ He rasped, kissing your forehead. ‘Son of a bitch. Are those motherfuckers still alive? Because I really need to fucking kill them.’ He growled, moving to sit behind you, pulling you into his lap and rocking you, stroking your back and kissing your head. ‘I’m not even joking Rookie. I need to choke the shit out of them and then tear them into fucking pieces.’

You said nothing. Feeling the rage surging through him. His darkness and terrifying monster-killing side rising to the surface… Knowing full well he meant it. And that you weren’t ready for the impact of all that would entail.

‘I should have been more thoughtful.’ He continued. ‘You’re so godamn confident most of the time I forget what you’ve been through. We need a safeword and traffic lights all the time baby. I’m not doing this to you again. Look how much you’re shaking. Fuck.’ His voice constricting with emotion, he pulled you tighter as your body trembled and shook against him.

‘Hey, its ok Dean.’ You said, huffing your breath and stroking his chest, your finger playing with the outline of his tattoo as a way to calm you both. Allowing your body to work through the trembling, knowing from past experience it was the quickest way for it to pass. ‘I just need a minute, it’ll pass…. my body just needs to catch up with my mind that it's safe.’ You soothed, knowing your chattering teeth were hardly reassuring. 

‘Whatever you need baby.’ He whispered, pleading. ‘Just tell me.’

He continued stroking your back, lightly holding your hips and letting you lean against his bent knee as you arranged yourself in his lap. You sat across him, leaning a hand on his chest, the other on the bed, both legs resting on his leg that lay flat, using one of your breathing techniques, learned many years ago from a therapist that you still credited with helping bring back a lot of normal to your life.  
  
After a few minutes you felt the blood spiking curls of adrenaline easing, the tension ebbing, the calm returning. Within ten minutes the trembling had lessened and eventually stopped. You both lay there quietly, processing and absorbing the aftermath, his sweet calming strokes consistent and undemanding, no doubt waiting for you to tell him what you needed next, while you were just wishing you could go back to before.

‘I’m sorry - I should have told you sooner.’ You said eventually, laying back against his chest as he moved to stroke your face and arm. ‘I didn’t think it’d come back like that and hit me so hard. It’s been such a long time since that happened. I’ve pulled back everything else about sex so I could enjoy it... so they couldn’t take it away from me….’   
  
You looked up at him, into those sweet green eyes that were wet with tears, intense with concern and worry.

‘Dean, I want to pull this back too – with you. I want you to show me how good it can be. I want you to replace the flashbacks and the bad memories with good feelings, make me feel so godamn fucking good that any time I think of anal, all I think of is you giving me orgasms that make me explode.’   
  
You smiled softly up at him, wiping a tear as it spilled down his cheek. ‘Will you do that for me? Please?’

‘Fuck baby. I…’ He shook his head and looked down at you, staring for a long moment. Clearly reliving the last few minutes. You understood you’d freaked him out, but he had to understand this surely. How much you needed him to do this for you. Help you reframe and change it.   
You waited as he seemed to work through it in his mind.  
  
Finally, he released the breath he’d been holding and stroked his hand along the length of your face.   
‘You are so fucking brave. You blow my mind – do you know that?’ He sighed, kissing your cheek. ‘So brave I don’t know how to say no to you. I don’t want this baby, but If and I mean IF _you_ want this I’ll do it for you, but only for you. Please don’t fucking do it for me or because you think you have to. Our sex life is already a million times better than anything I’ve ever had before, so there is nothing extra you have to do for me. And nothing, I mean nothing will give me any sort of pleasure if it compromises or hurts you – are we clear?’

‘Clear.’ You said, meaning it. This absolutely wasn’t for him, it was for you. You had been determined from the start that the abuse from your childhood wouldn’t fuck up your sex life. Now you had a man you trusted your body with more than anyone, you wanted to give it to him fully, explore it fully. Have the best time your body could show you, without limits put there by ghosts and monsters of the past. If it turned out you just didn’t like anal, fine – but not because of those fuckers. No way.

‘Ok, well. Once we get back to the bunker, and on nights when you know it’s going to happen and you’re definitely feeling ok, we’ll start small and safe. I mean it, we’re going to go so slow you’re going to get annoyed, but if you want to do this, that’s how it’s going to be ok?’. His voice low and clear. 

‘Ok Dean, I trust you.’ You murmured, kissing his neck. Slowly moving your lips down his chest, your hands wandering. ‘I trust you so godamn much. You know that right?’

‘Babe?’ He asked.

‘Hmmmm?’ You responded, grazing and sucking his nipple, turning around in his lap so you could start kissing down his stomach and towards his beautiful cock. It was unsurprisingly soft now and you wanted it hard and eager like it had been a few minutes ago. Just because you were going slow with anal, didn’t mean you didn’t want to have sex. You craved that sweet release now more than ever.

‘Sweetheart, I don’t think…’ he murmured.

‘Dean, I need this.’ You replied, taking him in your mouth and licking up and down his shaft. His body slower to jump and respond to your attentions than usual.

‘Baby I don’t want to hurt you again.’ He whispered. ‘I can’t – fuck. I can’t handle you shaking in fear like that again because of me.’

‘It wasn’t because of you and you’re not going to hurt me ok?’ You smiled reassuringly, still working him with your hand and reaching up to kiss him gently.   
‘I’ll go on top, we can go slow – if I feel any flashbacks or bad feelings I’ll use traffic lights… I’ll let you know. But I want to feel good baby. Please make me feel good?’   
  
Your lips pressed against his, softly opening his mouth, exploring his tongue, feeling the familiar heat rising between you once again. He returned your kisses slowly, hesitantly, allowing the desire to come flooding back, but with far more restraint than you had ever seen in him previously.   
You could see and feel that he was deeply affected by what had happened earlier and it hurt your heart a little. It also made you so grateful for him once again. For this godamn amazing man, who cared for you so fiercely, who wanted to ensure your happiness and safety in so many ways.

You pushed into his mouth with your tongue, deeper, more demanding, bringing his hands to your breasts as you lifted up and guided his now fully hard cock inside you. You slid down on him with a sigh, smiling back into his worried eyes as you began to ride him. He looked deep into your eyes, seeking reassurance, finally, he began to rock with you, gently at first, matching your rhythm as you rolled your hips, just enjoying the feeling of him inside you, the way you locked together, the feeling of him touching you, his hands gently roaming, tentative as if it was the first time.

He moved slowly forward, taking your nipple into his mouth, teasing it, stroking it, flicking it, his eyes never moving from your face the whole time, making sure you were enjoying every movement, every second. You smiled down at him, pulling at his shoulders as you rode him, your hips snapping faster and faster. Needing more of him. Craving him. Chasing that release.

‘Yes, you feel so good, Dean.’ You moaned. ‘So, fucking good.’

‘Whatever you want Rookie.’ He groaned. ‘Take it, tell me. I’m yours, Sweetheart.’

You raised yourself up even more, coming down harder on top of him but still wanting, knowing he was holding back. ‘More baby, fuck me harder please?’ You begged.

He nodded, thrusting up into you, holding your hips, kissing you hard and deep at the same time as he pushed up inside you. His eyes never wavered, every time you would close your eyes in pleasure – whenever you opened them again those beautiful emerald eyes were right there, watching, monitoring, making sure you were okay. That in itself was turning you on, making it heady and emotional. The want and the comedown from the physical vulnerability of your body earlier, and the attention and love radiating from Dean causing the molten waves to churn faster than usual, burning through you like delicious fire.  
  


You pulled him closer, your hands holding his face as your lips brushed against each other, noses touching.

'Lay on top of me? Fill me up and own me? Make me feel safe?’ You asked, feeling needy and vulnerable, but wonderful at the same time. Knowing how much he was willing to do what you asked. How much he cared.

He gently rolled you over. Kissing you, holding you as he thrust into you.

‘Always safe with me Rookie. I’ll always look after you. I'm all yours, my sweet girl.’ His hips pounding harder and faster as you moaned beneath him, your hands clutching at his beautiful muscled back. Fingers tracing the scars, the strength and hardness of him, his powerfulness, his tenderness making you melt. 

‘Yours forever ok?' He groaned, his breath coming rasps as your bodies slammed into one another. You licked and nibbled his chest, looking up into that beautiful face, craving him, needing him, getting lost in him… coming undone.

‘Yes Dean, yes. All mine.’ Your body and mind overwhelmed as your orgasm rose. ‘So good, come with me baby…’ your voice cutting off into a strangled cry as the orgasm washed over you.

‘So beautiful my girl… so fucking amazing…I’m so yours…’ He murmured, fucking you through it as his own orgasm hit. Rolling through him as he bucked and shuddered, calling your name.

As it subsided he stayed above you, leaning into one elbow and breathing heavily. Still watching you.

‘Thank you.’ You smiled up at him, a tear rolling down your cheek. ‘Thank you for looking after me, making me feel amazing and safe. I’ve never felt safe like this before.’ 

‘Always.’ He said, his voice trembling with emotion as he wiped away your tear and kissed your nose. ‘Rookie you are always safe with me. Always.’ 

  
* * *   
  


The next morning Dean let you sleep. You woke up alone, hearing voices in the adjoining room. You pulled on some clothes and sleepily wandered in to see Charlie, Sam, and Dean all crowded around the table. Laptops open and seemingly mid discussion.

‘Hey guys, new case? Or did we miss something?’ You asked, yawning.

‘Hey, there’s my girl.’ Said Dean, immediately getting up and coming over to you, dropping a sweet kiss on your lips. ‘We were just saying that we should go get some breakfast and hit the road. Why don’t you have a shower and I’ll pack.’ He said, steering you back to your room. Charlie and Sam saying little more than perfunctory greetings.   
  
You felt like Dean was avoiding something, trying to get you out of the room quickly. You wondered if there was a new case they didn’t want you to be part of.

‘Dean?’ You asked, once you were alone in your room. Determined not letting his neck kisses distract you. ‘I know you’re not going to let me in on every hunt until you’re sure I’m ready, but please don’t shut me out of them. Or protect me from things?’

‘Huh? What are you talking about baby?’ He mumbled, his hands palming your breasts through your cotton tank top. ‘You really need to get out of these dirty clothes and into the shower, let me help you.’ He said, pulling your top over your head.

‘I mean it, Dean.’ You sighed, grabbing his face and forcing his eyes to yours. ‘Please don’t treat me like I’m stupid. Clearly you guys were discussing something just now that you don’t want to tell me about. I get I can’t be part of everything, but it makes me feel … unwanted and not good enough to be in the club.’ You shrugged. Unable to think of a better way to put it. Proud of yourself for even communicating that much honestly. Maybe you were getting better at this relationship thing.

He sighed, looking back at you. You could see he was trying too. Looking for a way to give you something. To find something to say that he felt comfortable sharing.

‘You’re right baby. There is something that I can’t tell you about right now. Because I don’t have all the information and I don’t know what’s involved yet.’

‘Is it something you’re going to hunt?’ You asked. ‘Is it dangerous – like Lucifer or end of the world dangerous, is that why you don’t want to tell me?’

He rubbed his face.

‘Its too soon to tell if it’s a hunt. I need all the information first. But no – it’s not Lucifer and I’m not going to hell, or heaven, or purgatory for a change … which is kind of a big win if you ask me.’ He grinned, his hands snaking up to the waistband of your pajama shorts and giving them a tug, sending them to the ground.

‘Also, you were so very awesome this week. You tangled with fairies, Deer Women, supernatural beings, me thinking you were a ghost, crazy old ladies with holy water, and took it all in stride. Not to mention kinky sex games and relationship dramas. So, what do you say we celebrate you being awesome and not having to save the world by having a shower?’ He pulled off his tee shirt and dropped his sweatpants, his nakedness distracting you as he grabbed your hand and led you to the bathroom.

You sighed, deciding to take the win too. He was doing his best to communicate with you honestly and if there was no big bad and nothing concrete, then you would live with that for now.   
  
Besides, you had just been on your first hunt, it was badass and shower sex sounded like a great way to celebrate all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you're all caught up - let's get started on 'Home' 💙  
> Sweet Child O Mine - Guns n Roses  
> [ Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
> [ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w7OgIMMRc4)  
> * * *
> 
> The Rookie Series  
> Continuing the tradition from Hunter in Training and 'Tulsa' - each chapter is set to a classic hits from the 70s & 80s, essentially songs Dean heard growing up and still loves listening to on classic rock/hits stations, and so do you.... For better background on their share love of music - check out one shot [ 'Dancing in the Dark'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20730497)' that is part of the series.


	2. Whole Lotta Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Home' and this chapter begin several months on from 'Tulsa - Sweet Child O Mine' - picking up timeline and events around beginning of Season 9. Have tried to align to canon where possible but there is a deliberate swap of 'Slumber Party' events to occur after several other episodes in order to fit the narrative (basically Charlie can't go off to Oz that early), in fact entire timeline of the series is prob best not scrutinized too heavily. 🤓💙

[ **WHOLE LOTTA LOVE** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
  


_**You need cooling** _  
_**  
Baby, I'm not fooling** _  
_**  
I'm gonna send ya** _

_**Back to schooling** _

_**  
...A-way, way down inside** _  
_**  
I'm gonna give ya my love** _  
_**  
I'm gonna give ya every inch of my love** _  
_**  
I'm gonna give ya my love** _

**  
LED ZEPPELIN**

'Dean, fuck. I-I can't.' Your mind was fritzing with unexploded bliss as he dragged his tongue around the rim of your tight hole. His green eyes looked up from between your widely spread legs, your knees near your ears as he held you open, his thumb on your clit as his tongue flicked harder and harder, watching you as he thrust it inside and you arched upward and let go. The force of your orgasm moving you in an entirely different way... your deep, low, shuddering moan matching the vibrations of fulfillment rocking through you, shaking your core.

After months of promising, Dean had been slowly introducing you to the pleasures of anal for several weeks now. Whenever you could, the two of you would set some time aside and 'class' would begin. It always began with a shower. Dean massaging your shoulders and back, whispering in your ear how beautiful you were, how much he was yours, how safe you and loved you were, and checking what your color was.   
On getting the green he needed, his hands would trail down your back and across your hips, sliding through your pussy folds and inside you, teasing you, edging you, making you sigh and moan in appreciation. Then he would withdraw, returning to your back, hands slick with body wash he would massage your ass. Slowly and deliberately, his fingers sliding between your ass cheeks, lingering as he kissed your neck and murmured in your ear - filthy sweet nothings combined with praise, checking in, checking your color, sliding his finger back and forth, gaining friction then holding it still, applying pressure to your hole but not attempting to enter or do more than that. Getting you used to it, how it felt to have pressure there, then pushing a little, rubbing back and forth, increasing the depth and intensity. The other hand moving back to your pussy, stroking your clit with his thumb as his fingers moved quickly inside you, both hands working you as he rapidly bought you to orgasm. The feeling of pressure on your tight hole adding a different layer and level as you came undone. 

You loved the care he was taking and were definitely enjoying 'class' with your very own hot Professor, but you felt ready to take it up a level. He'd warned you when you'd asked him to initiate you, that he would only do it if you took it slowly. The memory of you shaking in his arms, experiencing a full-blown panic attack and flashbacks from childhood sexual abuse the first time he had tried to initiate anal, still vivid and haunting him.

It was sweet that he was being cautious because he cared so much, but you were getting impatient. Tonight in the shower you'd wriggled and pushed back against him.

'More please Professor Winchester.' You pleaded. 'You stuck your finger inside me the first time you ever ate me out and it was fine - it's been months since the panic attack. I'm pretty sure you can add some fingering right now without me freaking out on you.' 

He smirked against your cheek. 

'I told you baby - this is going to be slower than slow. I don't ever want to feel you shaking in my arms like that again.' 

You looked up at him and pouted, making him laugh.

'Ok. Rookie. How about a compromise?' He rumbled, taking your hand in his. 'How about you use me to show you what's ok. You choose which of my fingers you want, and then you move it. You decide how much, how deep - you're in charge baby.' 

He kissed you softly, his tongue pushing against yours, probing and warm, filling you with need. You nodded and grasped his hand, bringing it out in front of you. Fuck you loved these hands - they held you safe and made your body sing. Somehow this was even more of a turn on as you slowly looked at each of his fingers. Picking one was challenging, they were all so talented, and all were large and thick - even his pinky finger was probably at least as wide as your thumb, but it was still your best option - if only because of its comparatively small size.   
You pulled it up to your lips, kissing it before rolling your tongue around it and sucking it gently, causing him to mutter a soft 'Fuck' in your ear. Releasing it from your mouth and watching as he closed his fist, moving the other fingers out of the way, you traced his hand across your ass, holding his pinky between your fingertips as you bent slightly forward against the tiled wall, the body wash from earlier still providing lubrication as you slid his finger down the soft slippery center between your ass cheeks, pausing at your tight hole as Dean reminded you to breathe, praising and reassuring as you began to work his pinky inside you, gasping expletives at him and moaning loudly as your body let him in, loving the way he watched you carefully with lust blown eyes.

'Jesus Rookie, you feel amazing.' He gasped as you pushed his finger in further, breathing through the pinch of pain. 'Color baby?'

'Green. So fucking green Professor Winchester.' You groaned, moving his finger back and forward, gathering speed as you began to pull it in and out, using your toes to rise up and down on his finger, chasing the pleasure, reveling in the feeling. Loving the way you were using his hand, being in control. Dean watching you as you spent the next few minutes lost in new sensations, something primal creeping over you as you began to move faster, taking him deeper. 

'Fuck baby, you look so godamn hot fucking yourself with my finger. I could cum just looking at you.' He growled, using his other hand to stroke himself. 

'Do it.' You panted, grinding down on his finger, feeling yourself loosening around it. 'Paint my back Professor Winchester. Fuck yes.' You moaned, your body shaking. The shuddering sensations rolling through you different to orgasms you'd had previously, but still leaving you heady and high with pleasure.

Within minutes you felt him trembling as he stroked himself behind you and realized he was closer than you thought. His praise vibrating through you as he came, letting go of his cock with a soft thud on your back as he used the hand that had been holding it to support himself against the wall. Breathing hard against your neck, he pulsed across your ass cheeks, his cum dripping onto your wrist as you kept his finger inside you - seeing if you could maintain and ride the shuddering vibrations a little longer, riding the high as much as possible.

'You uh, gonna give me my hand back at some point gorgeous girl?' He panted, placing sweet kisses on your shoulders as you continued to rock back and forth.

'Nuh...uh... Nope.' You sighed, as another jolt of pleasure surged through you, making him laugh, low and deep. 

'So glad it feels good baby.' He whispered. 'Take as long as you want, I'm all yours.'

* * * 

A few nights later class was in session again. You had already showered and were laid out on the bed. You'd recently discovered how hot Dean looked in glasses and insisted he wear them in his role as Professor Winchester. He'd laughed at you and protested, but had gone along with it anyway. You were starting to realize there wasn't much he wouldn't do for you. 

He was currently devouring you with his eyes, his laser green focus behind those glasses on you completely. In these moments there was no thought of anything else. There were no monsters, no angels, demons or Knights of Hell, no Crowley in the basement or Kevin complaining about the noise... there was just the two of you and the pleasure you could give each other. 

'Have a little present for you Rookie.' He grinned, passing you a small box wrapped with a ribbon.

You raised an eyebrow and opened it, unsure what to expect, smiling when you discovered a jeweled anal plug inside. 

'Think you're ready?' He asked softly, watching your body language carefully for any signs that you might be using bravado to push through.

'Absolutely.' You grinned, eyes shining. 

He seemed satisfied with your response, taking the plug from you and stroking your face.

'On all fours baby - knees near the edge of the bed with this amazing ass facing me.' He ordered, giving you a kiss.

You scrambled to get into position, shivering in anticipation as you heard the pop of the lube and the squishy sounds of Dean pouring a generous amount into his hand.

'I'm going to make you all wet and ready first babe, work you open a little more with my fingers - then slide the plug in this fucking gorgeous ass of yours ok?' He asked, as always - telling you everything he was doing, preparing you, checking in.

'Yes, Professor Winchester.' You replied, wiggling your ass towards him. You were rewarded with a husky chuckle and a light smack on your butt, followed by a tiny kiss in the same spot.

You felt the lube first, cool and slick against your skin, then his fingers as they teased, then slid slowly and easily inside you, your sphincter already loosened up from the shower play earlier.

'Color Rookie?' He commanded, his voice already that whiskey rumble of sex you loved.

'Green Sir.' You groaned, pushing back slightly against his fingers. 

'Good.' He praised. 'You're doing so good baby. Any flashbacks?

'None Dean. I'm good - it feels so very good.' You sighed, rocking yourself back and forth harder on his fingers, that deep primal feeling rising within you once again, making you shudder and move faster. Dean crooked his fingers a little, sliding his other hand underneath you and against your clit, slipping a finger inside your pussy, the stimulation of it all making you cry out.   
'Fuck. So good.' You yelled, lost to everything but the sensations, the newness of it, the kink, and the intense stimulation quickly bringing you to the edge, his fingers were unrelenting in their mission to make you feel amazing. You shouted his name as you came, a string of agreement and praise pouring from your mouth on repeat.

'You're incredible Rookie. Love watching you come undone.' He whispered, withdrawing his fingers slowly and kissing your lower back. 'Such a beautiful strong woman, so fucking amazing.' He praised, making you glow. You had noticed at each session he was careful not to use 'good girl' or you 'being such a good girl for him's as praise, clearly worried it might remind you of your stepfather or the others, sending you into a flashback. Instead, he called you strong, brave, beautiful, a woman. 

'Ok gorgeous, I'm going to put the plug in now.' He warned, adding more lube to both you and the plug. 'You feel anything even close to a flashback or any kind of discomfort - amber or red immediately. Ok?'

'Yes Sir.' You whispered, blissed out from the intensity of your orgasm. Loving him and all the godamn care he was taking. In fact, the constant checking and praising was starting to become a serious kink.

He slid the plug in slowly, the tug and the weight of it a new sensation - slightly uncomfortable, but not at all bad. There were no flashbacks and you breathed easier as you felt your body relax around the plug.

'How you feeling Sweetheart?' asked Dean, his hands on your hips.

'Good. Really good.' You murmured, rising up on your knees, getting used to the sensation of the plug moving inside you as you did so, grasping his hands for balance and smiling up at him.

'I think it's time I took care of my tuition fees Professor Winchester.' You winked, slipping off the bed and standing next to him, pulling him down into a full and searing kiss. 

He smirked and raised an eyebrow.

'Really? And just how are you paying me, Miss? Cash? Cause I don't take cheques.' He teased, his thumb tracing your lips. 

'Lie down.' You whispered, pushing him backward.

Crawling up over him as he settled in the middle of the bed, getting used to the plug as you moved, you grasped his already hard cock, stroking it softly as you bent down to lick and suck his balls, giving him quite the view as you leaned forward, making him groan. 

'Fuck baby - you look so hot going down on me with that plug sticking out your beautiful ass.' He whispered, tickling his fingers along your spine gently, sending tingles all the way along it to where the plug lay nestled, making you shiver and squirm a little, causing you to pause as your body trembled slightly at the sensations. Dean froze.

'Rookie? Color?' 

'Green Sir.' You murmured, releasing his balls from your mouth and smiling reassuringly. 'Just reacting to how good your fingers felt. Deliciously good by the way.' You grinned, moving to swirl your tongue around his tip, looking up at him from under your lashes. Controlling and teasing with your tongue as he twitched beneath it. Watching as he unconsciously bucked his hips, staring between your face and your ass as he moved his fingers once again, loving the ripple through your body as it responded to his light touch.

You could tell he was already close, his body taut with all the build-up in the shower and prep work to put in the plug, the orgasms, and pleasure he'd already given you clearly having had an effect on him. You rolled your tongue around the tip one more time before taking him down past the back of your throat, letting the width and thickness of his cock push it's way deeper. You loved taking him this deep, hearing his breath catch and the sweet exclamations, promises, and praise tumbling from his lips. The discomfort of gagging aside, the intimacy and trust, the fullness of his cock in your throat turned you on. Impaling yourself on him, you pulsed back and forth, moving faster, letting your throats natural reaction to the constriction close around him, throbbing and hold him tight. You hummed around him to ease the gag reflex, unprepared as the angle and vibration suddenly let him further in than you were expecting, filling you and blocking your airway momentarily, sealing around him, and creating a vacuum. 

'Fu - uh fuuuck.' He yelled, not expecting the stimulation from the humming or the intensity as your throat throbbed and held him tight, the vacuum seal literally sucking his orgasm out of him. Cradling your head and using all his control not to thrust his hips forward, he came deep into your throat, trying to move backward and pull out as quickly as he could to make sure he wasn't actually choking you. 

'Jesus Rookie, are you ok?' He panted, wide-eyed. Well aware that, although you weren't new to deep throating him, this time was clearly much deeper and more uncomfortable than usual.   
  
You fell on the bed beside him, coughing as your eyes streamed with tears, sucking in sweet air, giving him a thumbs up and an eventual grin.

'Just don't get used to that cowboy - think I'll be living on soup for a couple of days.' You rasped, rubbing the outside of your throat, still feeling the imprint of him.

'Fuck sweetheart.' He fell back against the pillows, breathing heavily, his hand over his chest as if trying to calm his heartbeat. 'I'm already worried about flashbacks and panic attacks, I can do without freaking out about you choking to death on my cock as well ok?' 

You started giggling. 'Ok Professor.' You said, crawling over to lay your head onto his stomach and look up at him. 'Did it feel good though?'

'Well right up until the second I started worrying that I was about to kill you... it was frigging spectacular.' He grinned, leaning down to kiss you.

*

'Come on Professor Winchester, gonna give me all of your love?' You winked at him. 'Fill me up? Be my backdoor man?' You begged, making him groan at the Led Zep reference. You smiled, knowing teenage Dean had probably fantasized about anal and jerked off to the song more than once.

'Goddamn Rookie, I'm already as hard as all fuck - and yet somehow you always know exactly the right buttons to kick it up a level and turn me on even more.' He growled, pushing you forward. 

'Because it's so much fun - and because as well as being hard as all fuck, you are also hot as all fuck Professor Winchester.' You smirked, stealing his glasses from the bedside table and looking at him over your shoulder. The sight of you naked bar the glasses making him weak at the knees as he adjusted your hips, placing a pillow underneath them and angling them so your ass was raised, lightly kissing each cheek as he gently withdrew the jeweled anal plug. 

'What's your color baby?' He asked, sliding two fingers inside you and scissoring them easily, the plug having prepped and opened you up nicely. 

'Ah, definitely green.' You moaned. He moved his fingers faster, widening them more, sending jolts of pleasure through you as he added more lube. 

The two of you had taken a much-needed nap after the earlier orgasms and play, but you were wide awake now and ready to go again. Your throat was a little bruised but nothing that you couldn't handle, you might skip the deep throating for a week or two though.

'Please, Dean. Want you inside me, please fuck me.' You pleaded.

'Okay baby, if you're ready we're doing this, but you're on top.' He ordered, withdrawing his fingers and climbing over you to sit against the headboard. Offering you his hand as you moved over towards him, using the other to slowly lube up his cock. 'Now, put your hands on my shoulders, you're going to control the speed and the depth. I'm going to leave my arms under your thighs and hold your hips. You amber or red and I'll lift you right off ok?'

'Yes, Professor.' You breathed, taking the glasses off and putting them back on him, your eyes bright. He had no idea how fucking sexy he was. How godamn hot all of this care and instruction was. The way he kept checking in, so cautious, making sure he wouldn't hurt you. The provocative way his brow furrowed as he watched you, all of his hunter senses on alert just for you. It was heady as fuck and you were at a boiling point of need for him, to have him inside you. To have him take you, stuff you full. Show you how good anal could be. No part of you was afraid or hesitant. He had released that, overwhelmed the bad stuff with care and love and general Dean Winchester badassery. Literally. 

'You ready? Color?' He smiled softly, bringing you in for a kiss.

'Green baby. So ready for you.' You pushed up on his shoulders, feeling his strong arms underneath you, his hands holding your hips steady as his tip rested against you, waiting for you.   
  
Gasping, you cautiously slid down his cock, feeling every inch of him as your body began to accept him, pausing as you felt resistance, everything suddenly tensing up.

'Breathe baby, you're ok. I'm right here.' He soothed, looking into your eyes, letting you rest there, held up by his arms. You took a deep breath, relaxed, and allowed your trust in him to flow over you. After a second or two you felt your body release and you nodded, moving further down as he let you take the lead once again. 

'Fuck you're so godamn beautiful and brave.' He murmured, watching your expression change as it you took more of him in and it started to feel good.

'Oh my god Dean, I feel so... full.' You exclaimed in wonder. 'So good and full, and fuuuck.' Your ability to speak becoming more challenging as your brain went offline, throwing your head backward as your body took the last of him in. Stilling for a moment as you got used to the sensation, used to him. No bad thoughts or memories, just pleasure.

'Still green?' He asked, his voice tight and his breath coming in short pants as he fought the need to move, ensuring you retained full control.

'Yes, Professor.' You moaned, the words sounding husky and ripped from your throat as you began to move up and down, his arms still there, strong under your thighs, ready if needed. The primal feeling stronger than ever, the need to groan deep and low, so insistent you couldn't stop if you tried, shuddering as you picked up speed. 

'Holy fuck baby. You feel so fucking awesome.' Dean growled, looking at you in awe.

You wanted to tell him he felt awesome too, but you couldn't speak. Lost in need and sensation, only able to focus on the incredible feelings moving through you. You thought your brain might explode when Dean slid his hand forward and began to rub his thumb in circles over your clit. You moved faster, impaling yourself on him harder and harder, allowing your body to instinctively do what it needed to, chasing the goodness, the pleasure. Overwhelming you, taking you to a place where there was nothing else, your breath coming in short pants. You heard a keening sound as your whole body shook and realized it was you. 

'That's it. Come for me, Rookie. So good baby. Fuck.' 

You didn't hear anything else as your body exploded and you forgot to breathe for a second, spasms rocking you as your back arched, your body trembled and your toes curled. The keening becoming a shout, Dean's name the only discernible word as you yelled and exclaimed unintelligibly. Tears falling down your cheeks as he fucked you through it, the echos of his release vibrating through you as he finally let go and thrust upward, filling you, holding you, loving you.

'Dean.' You whimpered, not knowing why you were crying. Reaching for him and covering his face in kisses.

'I'm here gorgeous girl, I'm here.' He soothed, wiping your face.

'Thank you.' You looked at him, meeting his eyes, sending messages that words weren't going to cover. 'Thank you.'

'Anything for you.' He smiled, holding you close as he carefully pulled out of you, eventually moving so you were lying in his arms, your head nuzzled in his neck. Warm, safe, and relaxed. The ghosts of your childhood all but gone, your body fully yours once more. 

'You're amazing.' He whispered, eyes shining as he stroked your hair. 'The most incredible person I've ever met. I don't know how I got lucky enough for you to be mine, but I'm fucking yours forever baby.'

'Forever.' You agreed, barely able to speak, unable to express the appreciation and love you felt for this godamn extraordinary man. All the patience and care he'd shown in bringing you to this moment. Able only to place a soft kiss on his jaw, holding yourself against his cheek in silent gratitude, before you fell exhausted and satisfied into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin  
> [ Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) //  
> [ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQmmM_qwG4k)  
> 
> 
> GIFS:  
>  Where I know who to credit - I've added it, including those that I've edited/changed from original. If you spot something and think its yours - please let me know as I'm happy to add credit. Either that or its one of mine I created. I don't have a tumblr - I just upload them to gify and add them here.  
>  If you read this in real/original time - you'll notice half the gifs were back added two months later (at end of April). This is because its a whole creative process in itself. I really try to keep the females as non descript/cropped in the gifs as much as I can where possible, so hair/skin tone/body shape don't get too defined in readers mind/vision and ruin their own version.  
>  I also try and change gifs from context of the show so it stands alone and doesn't draw the reader too much back to a show moment (unless I want it to like Chapter 5), or redefines the moment in context of this story and ensuring it is adding to, not distracting from the story.  
>  I spend surprising amount of time editing speed, frames, cropping etc. to get it right and in context (slight perfectionist - has to fit my vision! haha) and of course every now and then I get a bit naughty and manipulate them a bit too much...Uh.. Chapter 13 Oops #naughty naughty) anyway I do think they add a little something to the story which is why I take the time to get them right and I hope you enjoy.


	3. Running up that Hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 9 ... with some changes, rearranges and a sprinkle more angst...
> 
> NOTE: Trigger warning - there is slightly unpleasant non-con scene, read with care.

**[RUNNING UP THAT HILL](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) **

_**  
You don't want to hurt me** _

_**But see how deep the bullet lies** _

_**Unaware I'm tearing you asunder** _

_**Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts** _

_**And if I only could**  
_  
 _**I'd make a deal with God  
** _  
_**And I'd get him to swap our places**  
_ _  
_  
_**See if I only could, I would...  
  
**_

**KATE BUSH**

'Rookie, uh Agent - shake the lead out, we gotta go.' called Dean, obviously not appreciating the fact that your thighs and glutes were like jelly after last nights 'class' and the repeat again this morning. The heels required for your FBI outfit, and the fact that he and Sam had the longest legs in the world, not exactly helping you keep up with them.

'What's up?' You asked, excusing yourself from the military police you'd been talking to.

'Abaddon.' He snarled, his voice low.

'What? I thought you said she died back in the church during the last trial?' You asked.

'Apparently not. These 'deaths' we're investigating here is just her getting demons to smoke out of their old meat suits and into new shiny soldier ones. Looks like she's building herself an army and thought this naval base was the perfect place to start. Now she's left a godamn message with Kevin saying we need to head to Oregon or more hunters will die.' Dean rolled his eyes, climbing into the impala with annoyance.

'More?' You queried, wincing as you sat in the back, your thigh muscles complaining strenuously. Dean gave you a quizzical look in the rearview mirror and you shook your head, nodding at Sam. It took him a second before he broke into a grin, clearly taking pride in realizing your pain was from awesome orgasms and sex with him.

'Yeah.' Responded Sam, his head down looking at his phone, oblivious to your silent conversation with Dean. 'Seems killing and kidnapping hunters is her new game. She's got Irv, an old friend of Bobby's and kindly left coordinates for us to come get him.' 

He glanced at Dean. 'You know its a trap.' 

'Oh, its definitely a trap.' Responded Dean. 

'And we're just going to walk right into it?' Sam raised an eyebrow.

'Guns blazing.' He shrugged, winking at you in the mirror. Still smirking about the fact that you had sore muscles because he's a sex god. You shook your head and let him smirk because he basically was, and you knew he'd massage them for you later. 

'You with me?' He asked, looking at Sam.

'You know it.' Sam shrugged in return.   
  
The fact that Dean didn't even bother asking you made you smile. 

  
It had been nearly a year since you had begun training with them and you had learned a lot, apparently becoming a 'not bad' and 'fairly decent' hunter. Honing your skills as the megalomaniac angel Metatron, Knight of Hell Abaddon, and King of Hell Crowley provided steep learning curves on all things angel and demon, not to mention the usual things that go bump in the night. The three of you had become a tight team, especially with all that Sam had recently gone through with the trials in an attempt to close the gates of hell. 

So much so that Dean rarely bothered to try to dissuade you from coming along on anything these days.  
He'd only managed to keep you away from Abaddon till now because they had needed you to stay behind and research more information for the demon cure when they initially resurrected her, and because you had decided not to be at the church during the final trial. You knew Dean was afraid that Crowley would get free and somehow find a way to use you against them, so you'd offered to watch over an antsy Kevin instead, who - despite pulling some courageous and badass moves in recent months, was still not loving his role as prophet, having had it thrust upon him unexpectedly at the tender age of 17. He was still very much a scared kid at heart and needed watching and support. 

Dean had enthusiastically agreed, the look in his eyes and his kiss telling you he knew what you were doing - and how much he appreciated it. A wise decision as it turned out, with Abaddon crashing the party at the last minute. She would have loved torturing Dean by finding a way to possess you and you weren't about to do that to him - then or now. But with the gates of hell still open, Abaddon on a rampage and Sam seemingly back to full strength - without the distraction of the trials, you figured the three of you could hold your own, and you were more than ready to join them in taking the demonic bitch down. 

'Hey, it's a long drive Rookie.' The low rumble of his voice bringing you back from your musings. 'You should put your feet up - rest those lovely legs.' He grinned, looking pleased with himself as you rolled your eyes and kicked off your shoes, stretching out in the relative comfort of baby's back seat.   
You knew he only meant the comment as a way to remind you he was a sex god who made your thighs hurt, but you decided to get a little payback and take him literally, moving to rest your feet up along the top of the back seat, letting your skirt ride up mid-thigh. Sam would have to turn around to see anything, but the stretch of your legs made them look longer, revealing tantalizingly bare skin which, combined with the wonder of just how high your skirt had ridden up - would be a constant tease at the edge of Dean's vision as he drove. You watched his adam's apple bob up and down as he glanced back and gulped, laughing to yourself silently as you snuggled your face into the seat and tried to get some much-needed rest. 

  
* *

'What the hell happened here Sam?' Asked Dean as you finally arrived at the location in Oregon specified by the coordinates Abbadon had given to Kevin, looking around the crumbling buildings and remnants of what obviously used to be a thriving part of town. Weeds, rotting timber, and broken windows the only inhabitants now. 

'Apparently, a local chemical plant sprung a leak years ago. Cordoned off three square blocks to contain it.' Said Sam, explaining why you'd left the car and gone in the back way, scaling a number of fences to get here. 'Guess it's still toxic and contaminated.' 

'Maybe you should stay back Rookie - don't want our kids to have green skin and an extra limb.' Said Dean, protectively moving his hand over his cock. 

'Uh - we're having kids?' You stuttered, raising an eyebrow in shock. The topic had never come up before, even jokingly. Till this very second, you hadn't even considered the idea.

'Hey, just thinking ahead. Better safe than sorry.' Winked Dean, giving you a shrug and sheepish cheeky grin, moving slowly forward.  
  
You and Sam threw each other surprised looks. What the fuck? He'd thought about the two of you having kids? He couldn't just throw that out there and keep walking. But apparently he could, signaling all clear as he checked around the corner. Dismissing it as a topic for another time, you shook your head and continued in.

You searched the town quickly, eventually finding Irv tied up and unguarded in an abandoned diner. The three of you looked around the diner to the street outside. It was quiet, too quiet, and everything had been far too easy. Freeing Irv you decided to split up to find Abaddon and the soldier demons, you and Dean taking the main street, Irv and Sam circling round back.

You had barely turned the corner when Abaddon appeared in front of you. Instinctively you unloaded a full clip of demon bullets into her chest, only to have her laugh and show you the Kevlar bulletproof vest she was wearing. 

'Pathetic.' She chuckled, looking at you with interest. 'New toy Dean? She's pretty. She might be fun to wear for a while. Very fun.' Laughing as she licked her lips, eyeing the both of you up and down lasciviously. She stopped laughing when Dean threw a hip flask of holy water over her, her hands covering her face as she fell to the ground, writhing in pain.

'Rookie - go get the car. Bring everything we've got from the trunk.' He ordered, putting the keys in your hand. You nodded, turning quickly to run. 

'Hey, hey.' He growled, grabbing your waist and kissing you. 'Be careful - yeah?' 

'Back at you Winchester.' You grimaced, looking over his shoulder as Abaddon began to recover from the holy water. 'She's tricky as fuck and I think she has a thing for you.' 

He nodded, giving you a quick grin. You turned and ran, your heart pounding and anxiety meeting your every step. Trusting, hoping, knowing that Dean could kick Abaddon's ass, that he'd be ok until you could get back with the impala. Thoughts and fears racing through your mind and spurring you on, moving faster than you thought you could run. Making you oblivious to the demon soldier until he had already grabbed you and thrown you up against the wall with a painful thud.

'Hey, hunter slut. Nice meatsuit. Very nice indeed.' He purred, boxing you in. 

'Get fucked.' You spat, struggling against his grip.

'You really should be more selective about who you're sleeping with darlin', those Winchester insects are a terrible choice for a cute little cock whore like yourself.' He moved closer, his putrid breath and black eyes overwhelming.

'Thanks, but taking advice from demon scum isn't on my to-do list.' Your voice dripping with venom, wondering what your play was. You had used all your bullets on Abaddon and stupidly started running before loading a new clip. You had a hip-flask of holy water, but you didn't have a chance of grabbing it the way he was holding both your wrists, and you were no match for godamn demon strength. 

'Awww. You look good sugar, but this mouth could definitely be put to better use than sassing me.' He snarled, using his powers to remove your voice. 'As much as I want to hear your screaming, it might draw attention and get us interrupted.' 

You blinked in fright, your throat frozen and on fire as you tried to speak, scared and frustrated as no sound came out.

'Much better.' He snickered, licking your neck, tasting the fear and sweat on your skin. 'Hmmm. Fucking deelicious.' He growled.

You took a deep, slow breath, using every ounce of willpower you had to force your central nervous system to calm the fuck down. Feeling the edges of a panic attack crowding in as he pushed his hand up under your top, kneading your breast through your bra and kicking your legs apart. Fuck.  
'Stay calm, you got this' became a mantra repeating in your brain, your mind going into slow and cold calculation, ignoring what was happening to your body. This was no time to have a panic attack, you needed every sense available to you to get out of here. You swallowed hard, realizing you wouldn't get many opportunities and you had to pick the right one, even if that meant getting raped again. Your body beginning to shake at the thought. If it was a choice between death and that - then you would deal, and have the break down later, your brain racing to map his likely next moves, so you could plan yours. 

You flinched as he ripped open your tee shirt, black eyes glinting as he reached for you, his hands rough and unforgiving, leaving bruises in their wake. You blocked it out, ignoring it, ignoring the flashbacks threatening to worm their way in, waiting for your chance.

'Ooh, baby. Look at these waves of knowing fear coming off you ... this isn't the first time someone bad touched you is it my little slutty Princess?' He grunted, your stay calm mantra becoming louder as you felt the bile rise in your throat. You knew he was going to ramp up the psychological torture to match the physical, and you resisted giving him any indication he was right.  
  
'Oh yeah, I'm gonna take my time with you. See if we can add to that trauma and fuck you up real good.' He chuckled. 'Lemme guess - was it Daddy? Your local priest? Your piano teacher? Can't trust anyone these days can you? We're everywhere.' You froze for a second, what was he saying? That your stepfather might have been fucking possessed? Maybe it wasn't him all along but a frigging demon? Your head spinning with possibilities, only snapping back to the present moment when he reached for the button at the top of your jeans and the gun on his shoulder shifted and moved against his arm, much to his annoyance.  
  
Realizing you might be able to use this to your advantage, you crumpled your face and looked as weak and terrified as you could, giving the impression you were too scared to move. Watching as he naturally took advantage of it and your stature, underestimating you and not bothering to restrain you as he pulled back to take the M4 he was carrying off his shoulder, leaning forward to rest it up against the wall beside you. 

Deciding it was as much chance as you were going to get, you kicked out and raised your clenched fists upward at the same time, catching him off guard and sending him tumbling to the ground as you reached for the hip-flask of holy water, pouring it over him as you pulled your phone out your pocket and quickly found the exorcism spell Dean had recorded on your phone all those months ago when you had first begun training with them. You hit play and sent him back to hell, leaving the soldier he had been riding unconscious on the ground.  
  
'Fuck.' You gasped, once your throat was finally free again, rubbing it in reassurance.  
  
Not allowing yourself any time to process, you quickly reloaded your gun and began running. Making it the remaining two blocks back to the car in record time, despite your shaky legs. You ran to your bag in the trunk and quickly changed tee shirts, leaving what was left of your old one behind on the ground in disgust. Jumping into Baby, you floored it, taking the corners at speed, only slowing down as you neared the buildings where you had last left Dean. Your eyes quickly scanning the street for any signs of life, relieved to see them emerge from the diner as you drove up, all the windows in the street blown out like there had been an explosion, but both thankfully in one piece. Irv had apparently not been so lucky. 

'Abaddon?' You asked, your breathing still labored from the adrenaline and the running. 

'In the wind.' Grumbled Dean, looking at Sam, distracted. Not noticing your change of top or the fact you were shaking as you moved to the back and he sat in the driver's seat. All of you silent and lost in your own thoughts on the drive home.

* *

You got back to the bunker in time to discover that Kevin had lost his shit with Crowley in your absence and was done, his bags packed and ready to leave. Sick of being a prophet, tired of everything and hoping to find his mother, he wanted out badly enough that he was even willing to take his chances with the angels and demons out there itching to get their hands on him. You watched as Dean talked him down, touched by the way he cared for him, the things he said. Telling him that he was family, that you all would die to protect him, that you only had each other. Both of you relieved when Kevin decided to stay.

Leaving the two of them in the War Room, you turned and headed down the corridor to unpack and shower, wanting nothing more than to scrub your skin raw, almost walking straight into Sam who seemed to be stood completely still. He looked zoned out and didn't seem to recognize you at first.

'Sam?' 

'Ah, Rookie - how are you?' He asked, his voice sounding off. He rarely called you Rookie, saving it for joking and sometimes sincere moments... but never as a general greeting. It was Dean's pet name for you, not his. 

You frowned at him. 'Are you okay?' 

'Yes, yeah. I just need to lie down.' He said, moving stiffly past you, seeming to take a minute before he remembered where his room was. You wondered if he had gotten more hurt than you any of you realized when he was knocked out at the diner. You watched him go with concern, confused by the whole exchange.

Later that evening, Sam seemed to be himself again, though in an albeit reflective mood. You caught the end of a conversation with Dean as you entered the library, having helped Kevin unpack and get settled again, talking with him until he eventually fell asleep. 

'Sam you've helped a lot more people than you've hurt.' Dean said, sipping his drink. He motioned for you to sit on his knee, pulling you close and absentmindedly handing you his glass to share. 

'I know. I've made my peace with opening the cage, letting Lucifer free... it just sucks when you hear about the people it harmed.' He sighed, clearly reflecting on something either Irv or one of the demons had said to him earlier.

'Always going to be people getting hurt, Sammy. But all of that Lucifer stuff is in the past, here's to now.' He rumbled, squeezing your thigh with a soft smile and taking the glass back from you, clinking it with Sam who nodded slowly.

'So you guys ready for all this?' Sam asked, clearing his throat. 'Heaven shut down, confused fallen Angels, Abaddon, human Cass - somewhere out there without his halo, Prophet in our back room and King of Hell in our basement?' 

'Hmm. Just another dull day at the Winchesters.' You teased, kissing Dean's temple. 

'It all sounds like a freaking bad sitcom.' Dean scoffed, rolling his eyes and quickly flicking them back to Sam.

'What about you Sammy? Feeling ok? How's the engine running?'   
  
You looked up with interest, given what had happened in the corridor earlier. 

Sam sighed. 'I'm good. I know there's a truckton of crap going on, and I know its crazy out there... but I look around and I see friends and family.' He smiled at you. 'I'm happy with my life for the first time in long time. Things are ... things are good. I feel good.' He shrugged.

'Amen to that brother.' said Dean, grinning and kissing you, but it didn't quite match his eyes. You studied him quietly.   
He was worried and hiding something. You only saw flashes of it, mostly around Sam since he had gotten so sick after the trials.   
You had been stuck in the bunker with no cell service and a freaking out Kevin, but Dean had told you Sam was unconscious for nearly a day and he had been worried at one point that he wasn't going to make it. 

Ever since he had been watchful and guarded. At first, you had put it down to Dean's big brother paranoia and Sam recovering. But now it was almost like he was monitoring him, looking for something, waiting the other shoe to drop? After what you'd seen, perhaps it was justified.  
You'd asked him about it and he'd given you a non-committal reply, hedging and vague. You knew better than to press him. Dean eventually told you everything, either when he felt it was safe to do so, or when he was emotionally able - it was usually just a matter of timing. It was unspoken that he asked you to trust him until then.   
Given that you had remained silent about your encounter with the demon earlier, you weren't in a position to throw stones. You would tell him eventually, you just needed some time to process - so you understood his need for the same. You faked your own smile and drank as much whiskey as you could without drawing attention, wanting to numb out and forget for a bit. Eventually being carried to bed by Dean who teased you about being a sleepy lightweight who couldn't handle her drink.

*

You were woken in the middle of the night by screaming. Sitting up you tried to move, but strong arms held you in place.

'Sssh baby it's me. You're ok. You're ok.' You heard Dean's voice, realizing it was his arms that were holding you, but the closeness of them and the trapped feeling made you claustrophobic.

'Stop. Please, Dean, I can't breathe. Let me go.' You begged, clawing at his arms and scrambling out of bed to stand in the middle of the room. Sweating and gulping large breaths of air, putting your arms out either side of you to get your balance, make sure you had space, that you were free.

'What the fuck were you dreaming about Rookie?' Dean's eyes wide with concern, taking in your movements as he flicked on the bedside lamp. 'You have bad dreams about hunts sometimes, but baby that was proper night terror shit..'

'That didn't sound like the usual happy screaming - you guys ok?' Said Sam, knocking at the door and interrupting him.

'Yeah Sammy, we're fine, bad dream - go back to bed.' Rumbled Dean, both of you taking in Sam's words with a small smile and no comment. 

Dean moved across the bed, itching to reach out to touch you, but well aware that you didn't look ready for contact.

'I - I... ' Your throat suddenly dry, the words unable to come. The moments with the demon today becoming worse somehow in the semi-darkness of your room, your sub-conscious having just played them out differently in your sleep, re-enacting the scenario but using your stepfather instead. His voice still clearly reverberating in your head as you looked around the room and tried to remember you were safe.   
You gratefully accepted the glass of water that Dean carefully offered you, gulping down some sips and passing it back to him, but remaining where you were, arms still outstretched.

'Can you talk about it yet?' asked Dean gently, no stranger to night terrors himself after his time in hell and purgatory.

You whimpered and shook your head, glancing downwards, missing the way his heart broke while watching you.

'Was it about your stepfather? The foster homes?' Noticing your body tense when he said the word stepfather. 'Was it about the stuff we've been doing?' He asked softly, knowing he was referring to the anal play, as you vehemently shook your head.

'No - not that. That's all fine still.' You murmured, lowering your arms, feeling your heartbeat and breathing finally beginning to return to normal.

'Come back to bed?' He suggested gently, holding out his hand.

You nodded, climbing in beside him, wrapping your arms and legs around him, guiding his arms to your waist, so you didn't feel restricted, encircled, trapped. You didn't realize you were trembling until he began stroking up and down your back, soothing you, telling you how safe you were, how loved, how he was right there.

You were almost asleep before you had the courage to voice the question that had been pounding in your head all day.

'Dean?' You whispered. 

'Yes, baby?' He asked, his arms still caressing you, his touches feather-light.

'Is it possible my stepfather was possessed?' You held your breath.

  
He paused, pulling back to look at you, obviously wondering what was going on in your head and how it related to your dream, his eyes full of concern, his jaw tight. But Dean being Dean, he gave you space and didn't ask, switching to pragmatic questions instead. 

'Maybe sweetheart. Did you smell sulfur? Did his personality change? Ever remember seeing the black eyes now that you know what they look like?' He kissed the top of your head.

'No sulfur - or black eyes...' You took a deep breath, letting go of the memories of the soldier. 'Personality - I don't know. He was a pretty good Dad when I was little.. well until....' Your voice trailed off.

'It doesn't sound like he was a demon baby. Just a fucking pedophile human monster.' Growled Dean.

'Oh.' You replied, your voice small, finally giving in to exhaustion and letting sleep take you once again. Unaware that Dean spent the rest of the night watching over you, his rage building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Running up that Hill - Kate Bush  
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
> [ Music Video ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp43OdtAAkM)  
> 
> 
> GIF 1: https://lost-shoe.tumblr.com/post/148407590033/dean-in-devil-may-care-902  
> GIF 2: https://ellen-reincarnated1967.tumblr.com/post/173178524831/saucynewf-for-science-for-sis-tafics-for


	4. She talks to Angels

[ **SHE TALKS TO ANGELS** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)

**_  
Says she talks to angels  
  
Says they all know her name_ **

**_  
Oh yeah, she talks to angels_ **

**_Says they call her out by her name..._ **

**THE BLACK CROWES**

A few days later there was finally a lead on Cass. He had been missing since not long after the trials failed and the angels fell. Having called Dean the first day to tell him he was human after Metatron stole his grace, Dean had told him to make his way to the bunker, but more than a week later he still hadn't shown up and you were all worried. The angels were out for his blood, thinking he had colluded with Metatron to expel them all from heaven, and it just wasn't safe for him out there alone with no angel mojo. 

The three of you managed to track him down eventually, finding him in Detroit of all places. He was being held and tortured by a nasty little 'reaper for hire' piece of work named April. In typical Winchester style, you went in guns blazing, resulting in both you and Sam being knocked out, and Cass being killed. Dean then managing to negotiate a deal with the reaper, agreeing to spare her life if she brought Cass back.

'And then you double-crossed her and killed her anyway?' You asked woozily, looking over at her body, the room still not quite in focus. Sam and Cass quietly listening as they too got their shit together mentally and also tried to understand what had happened.

'What? She knocked you and Sam out and killed Cass. Of course I double-crossed her baby.' He smiled, gently kissing your forehead and checking your neck and the back of your head. Fussing over you to no doubt hide the overwhelming fear and dread he must have felt at seeing you and his brother unconscious and his best friend dead.

You allowed him to help you up, carefully stepping over the reaper's body as you left, wondering what the repercussions would be.

*

Later the next day you were glad to finally get back to the bunker. Human Cass was quite something and you just wanted to hug him and keep him safe until he was ready to go out in the world... if he was ever ready to go out in the world.

'I certainly appreciate this bunker far more than I did previously.' He said, coming into the war room after his shower. 'It's dry and warm, there's nourishment and great water pressure.' He nodded, making Dean grin smugly and wink at you, clearly thinking of your many shower exploits together.

'Oh yeah, this place has all sorts of benefits.' He smirked, running his hand down your arm.

'Yes. I understand that now too. My time with April was very educational.' Smiled Cass, a knowing look in his eye that you'd never seen before.

'You understand what exactly?' You asked curiously.

'Sex.' He answered simply, causing Dean to spit out his soda.

'You what now?' He spluttered, turning from Cass to you and Sam. Both of you returning his look of incredulity.

'Sex. I had sex with April. It was very good. Until she tortured and killed me. That was not pleasant.' Cass nodded solemnly. 'I am aware that is not the usual way of things post-coitus of course. The human race would not have gotten very far if so.' He glanced around pointedly. 'The two of you, for example, would be dead hundreds of times over by now.' He said, the smallest of grins tugging at the edges of his mouth. 

The three of you stared at him in shock, your mouths hanging open. Did he just make a joke? About sex?

'I can also understand now why the two of you are so loud. It is difficult to stay quiet when something is that pleasurable.' Cass continued, 'Especially with the whips and bondage aspects you are so interested in. We did not try that, but from April's request and reaction to my spanking of her behind, I can see how it causes some of the louder exclamations and prayers I sometimes hear from you both.' Unconcerned as your face turned pink and Sam snorted, turning away to hide his smile. Dean started to say several things before looking at you and shrugging.

'Uh. Yeah, Cass. I guess it does.' He said eventually, making a 'what?' face at you when you smacked him on the arm.

'It has all been very enlightening. I look forward to learning more. You will be excellent teachers and I will observe closely.' Cass said sincerely.

'Huh-uh... Excuse me?' Growled Dean, you could feel him prickling up at the mere suggestion that Cass would watch you in the bedroom and this time it was your turn to hide a smile.

'All three of you are excellent examples of humans leading exemplary lives. I look forward to learning more from you about all aspects of humanity.'

'You. ah... Yeah - well we're out for tonight. Come on Rookie - Sam, you're it.' He said, tapping Sam's chest. Sam bent down to mutter something to him and you turned back to Cass.

'You still hungry?' You asked, rubbing a reassuring hand across his back and steering him across the room as you passed him another burrito, giving the brothers some space to chat. 

'Ravenous. These are quite spectacular.' Cass responded, taking the burrito and smiling at you.

'Thank you for your kindness as always. I'm beginning to see how important it is to humans, why it is one of Dean's favorite things about you.' 

You looked up at him in surprise. 'It is?' 

'That and certain parts of your anatomy. Though his thoughts do get jumbled and torn just picking one part. Until I had sex I found it difficult to follow the way his mind would leap from one thing to another about your body, but I think I have a better understanding now. Women's bodies are truly a myriad of wonder and beauty.' 

His eyes glazing over for a few seconds before he remembered himself and cleared his throat. 

'Oh, but to answer your question, yes he definitely loves your kind heart.'

You stared at him in amused disbelief, shaking your head.

'It's so good to have you back safe and sound Cass. I'm really glad you're ok.' You grinned, giving him a kiss on the cheek and leaving him sitting at one of the large tables in the library, happily munching on his burrito. 

Heading back to your room, you checked your emails for a few minutes before grabbing a shower. Sighing into the steam as your muscles relaxed and began to loosen. Dean joining you shortly afterward, wearing the glasses.

'Oh, I didn't realize we had class tonight, Professor Winchester.' You smirked.

'Baby, class is always in session.' He grinned, making you laugh as the mist from the shower fogged up his glasses and he began to work those gorgeous lips up and down your neck. 

'So uh, Cass told me that you have trouble picking a favorite part of my anatomy?'

'What?' He rumbled in surprise, lifting his head from your collarbone.

'Uh-huh. Seems your mind is just a confused jumble of so many things you like - its hard to pick just one thing.' You smirked, taking the fogged up glasses and putting them aside.

'Oh, it's hard alright.' Dean grinned wolfishly, pressing his growing erection up against you. 'And Cass stay out of my head goddammit.' He muttered. 

'I thought you could control what he sees?' You asked.

'Well, I can now he's human.' He chuckled, the smile quickly sliding off his face.

'What? What is it?' You asked, immediately aware something was up. 

'Just worried about him is all. He's uh - He left. He thinks if he stays he'll put us in danger, you know hundreds of crazy angels coming for us. So uh - he left.' He shrugged, not meeting your eyes. 

'But he didn't say anything - I was just talking to him.' You frowned.

'What can I tell you, baby. He thought it was the right thing to do for everyone and wanted to slip out without making a fuss.' Shrugged Dean, moving away to wash himself, leaving you staring at his back. 

There was that feeling again. A beat, a disconnect. Dean wasn't telling you everything. You were tempted to call him on it, but you didn't know how without being confrontational. You had a feeling he knew, you knew anyway. That's why he was turned away from you right now, shoulders tense. 

You sighed and hugged him from behind, laying your head on his back.

'Dean?' You called, making sure you had his attention. 'This is just your regular reminder that besides the many parts of my anatomy you're so fond of, I'm always here. You know - sounding board and judgment free.'

You raised your head. 

'Well reserved judgment, I'll tell you if you're being a dumbass, but I'm here either way. With you no matter what. You know that right?'

'Hmmm? Course I do baby.' He turned in your arms, kissing you.

'Everything's fine. Crazy as all hell, but I'm good. Nothing to worry about okay?' He kissed you deeply, his tongue pressing against yours as he pulled you toward him. Nuzzling your neck as his hands roamed. 

'Now about these favorite body parts of mine...' He smirked. 

'Maybe the reason I can't pick one is because I haven't done enough research.' 

He pushed you back against the wall, his hand roaming your folds as he looked you up and down, his eyes hungry and appreciative, boxing you in as he moved closer once again.

'You know Cass's little revelations earlier reminded me, its been a while since we played.' He murmured into your neck. The scratch of his stubble and his fingers making you gasp for breath already, bolts of electricity crackling through you at the mention of playing.

'Well, the playroom has a full-time tenant at the moment.' You replied, referring to the fact that Crowley was currently occupying the chains that the two of you had often put to much better use in the last few months. The dungeon becoming 'the playroom' as you explored some of the tame and slightly less tame aspects of bondage and bdsm.

'Guess we'll just have to improvise.' He raised his eyebrows, his fingers sliding inside you as his mouth moved to encircle your nipple, licking and biting as you arched against the tile.

'Fuck.' You exhaled, not realizing how much he'd worked you up already, your whole body electrified and responding to him. 

'Feel good?' He asked, his mouth full of your breast, his hands filling you as his fingers worked your pussy and your ass, the persistent strokes against your g-spot sending you right to the brink almost immediately.

'Ahhhh. So fucking good Sir.' You panted, knowing he was going to withdraw his fingers just before you came, edging you and beginning the fun.

'Good little slut. Don't forget the rules.' He ordered, making you clench around his fingers and remind yourself you weren't allowed to cum unless he said so. 

His fingers moved inside you again, bringing you that bit closer to the edge before removing them abruptly, staring at you as he licked them clean.

He switched off the water. 

'Dry my cock with your tongue little whore.' He demanded.

At first, it had surprised you how much you got off on being called degrading names when playing these games, and more so the fact that you definitely got off on it more than Dean did. It didn't work for you as well any other time, but in these sessions, it hit something in your submissive/pain kink that took it up a level. He had fun with it, found it hot sometimes, but it was you who wanted it as a fundamental part of playtime. You had wondered after the demon encounter if you would still enjoy it, if it would trigger a flashback, but the sense of safety Dean had created around this and the familiarity of his voice meant it was only sending thrilling little spikes to your core.

'Yes Sir.' Not missing the fact that he'd dropped a towel down on the tiles for your knees. There were always considerations for you, even when indulging and exploring your kink for pain play. Fuck you loved this man. 

You licked up and down his shaft, enjoying the weight and thickness of him. You loved this cock so much, the way it jumped to attention for you, bought you so much pleasure, how fucking beautiful it was... The fact that it was all for you. You licked all the way to the top till there were no more drops of water, kissing the velvety tip as you finished.

'All dry Sir.' Looking up through lowered lashes, noticing he had lost himself for a moment, staring at you with adoration. He quickly pulled it back. 

'Go to the room. Make yourself ready.' He growled. You hurried to obey, your pussy already beginning to throb.

You quickly went to the drawer and got the sexy strap harness he had gotten you for Christmas. Stepping into the strips of leather that came around your thighs and up over your hips, you adjusted the two strips at the front to sit flat on either side of your pussy and the ones at the back to cradle your glutes ensuring Dean still had full access to all of you. Bringing the remaining straps up over your stomach and around either side of your breasts, you fastened the neck collar and checked it with a little tug, making you shiver. 

You felt the change come over you as soon as you put it on. You felt sexy and badass, but also subservient and willing to do whatever you were told. You put your hair in a slick ponytail, added patent leather shoes, selected your favorite riding crop, and stood waiting. Legs apart, palms up, the crop resting on them, raised as an offering. Your eyes on the floor.

You heard him come in and circle you. He was wearing a long white bath towel wrapped around his waist and you found the casual domination of it next to your elaborate outfit a massive turn on. 

'Such a naughty little whore. Think you've forgotten something haven't you?'

'Sir?' You asked, not glancing up.

His hand came down hard on your ass, leaving a handprint. 

'You think I'd forget?' He went over to the drawer and came back, immediately attaching a nipple clamp to your left breast. You gasped at the strength of the pain shooting through the tender skin, leaning forward, welcoming it even as you resisted it. 

He lifted your chin.

'Look at me slut. Wanna see how much you love it.' He growled, threading the chain link to other clamp through the silver ring in the neck collar of your harness, before at attaching it your other nipple and watching you with fascination as you shuddered and your pupils dilated, blowing wide.

'Back straight.' He ordered, his hand delivering another loud and shiver-inducing smack. Watching as the collar pulled at the clamps, tugging and lifting your nipples in delicious pain that made your pussy ache. 

He grunted his approval, his green eyes locked on yours as his tongue snaked out from between his lips, flicking and teasing each nipple, moving around each clamp, hovering, randomly attacking, making you throw your head back in pleasure, only to bring it quickly forward again as the chain stretched and caught, causing more pain that you were ready for. The intensity of the sharp jolts of pain tempered by the wet indiscriminate attention of his tongue driving you mad. Living for the little kitten licks that provided exquisite relief. The biting pain a satisfying challenge to switch pain into pleasure.

'Fucking love it don't you cock whore?' He growled. 

'Sir, yes Sir.' Your body beginning to shake a little with need.

He took the whip from your palms, still held in offering in front of you, moving quickly, causing you to jump as he bought it down on the desk behind you. 

'Have you been a good little slut?' He demanded. 'Do you think you deserve to choose the whip today?' He moved in close behind you, his breath hot in your ear. 'Or maybe I should choose something else?'

Your breath caught. Knowing he'd go with what you'd chosen, but that he wanted to mess with you anyway. Adding to the fun.

'Bend over.' He commanded. 'Palms on the sofa'.

You quickly leaned forward with your palms resting on the low green sofa, the spread of your legs and the angle making your pussy and ass obscenely open and easily accessible to him.

You felt a finger stroke from your clit, across your pussy and up past your tight hole. 

'So wet already. Fucking dripping.' He whispered, using his hand to smack your pussy three times in quick succession. 

You groaned, clenching with need. Focusing on making sure your legs didn't collapse, feeling desperate already. So turned on you were almost levitating.

'It's not my hand you want there though is it?' He bought the whip down on your soaking cunt, the thwack reverberating around the room, the sting causing you to cry out. 

'Is that what you want?' He taunted, trailing the edge of the riding crop along your inner thigh and skimming it across your pussy lips.

'Sir, more Sir - please.' You begged.

He brought it down, again and again. The sparks and vibrations rippling through you as you moaned and cried out, struggling to keep your legs steady. Feeling the orgasm building, the repetition and release of each hit from the small tag of leather at the end of the riding crop against your clit and pussy rocking you, again and again, threatening to carry you away. Luring you closer into sub space as the crop came down over and over, stinging and pinging through your pussy, making you wetter and more strung out with each slap. You bit your lip against the intensity, still resistant to capitulate and go there completely. 

As if reading your mind, he suddenly stopped. It was so abrupt you nearly collapsed with the tension change, breathing heavily, forcing yourself to keep quiet, remain still, and see what was next. 

You felt him kneel between your legs, your eyes opening wide as his tongue licked slowly across your clit and pussy lips, soothing the sting.

He licked you twice more. Long broad sweeps with his talented tongue, then blowing gently. The sensation both relaxing and turning you on at the same time, bringing you back from sub space.

He stood, reaching over your back to grab a handful of your hair, bringing you upright and sending tingles straight to your clit as he tugged it a little harder, pulling your head backward. Your head spinning a little after the intensity of the whip and bending over for so long.

"Such a pretty little slut for me," he murmured against your ear. "You taste delicious and look so good when you think you're about to come. And the sounds you make, they make me so godamn hard, that's what you want, isn't it? To make me so hard I have to use you. Give you my cock? Slam into my little fuck toy again and again. Pounding this hot little pussy until you beg me to stop.' His voice even lower than usual, his chuckle menacing as he turned you to face him, his hand still in your hair. 'As if you get to decide when we stop.' 

'Whatever you say Sir.' Nearly delirious with the need to cum and the wetness between your thighs, strung out by the pleasure, tension, and games so far.

'Remove my towel.' He growled, releasing you abruptly.

'Yes Sir.' You purred, eyes downcast and your hands trembling as you moved forward, slowly loosening the towel, letting it drop to the ground.

There was something so intimate in it, almost as if you were doing it for the first time. Your breath caught and you saw his chest move as if in unison with yours, each of you exhaling with pent up need. His thick beautiful cock straining upward, leaking pre-cum and clearly as hard as you were wet.

'On the bed.' 

The deepness of his voice, the menace, and the domination was nearly enough to make you cum already. You been on a constant knife-edge ever since the shower. It was always like this, desperate to cum, not wanting the feeling to end.

You moved quickly to the bed, laying with your legs spread wide.

'Hmmm. Wanna be tied up my little fuck toy?' He rumbled.

'Please sir, want to touch you.' You panted. Arching and crying out as he bought the crop down on your pussy again. Waiting a few beats before bringing it down twice more. The vibration and sensation of receiving it while lying down entirely different. In other sessions in this position, you'd squirted just from the whip and a slight touch of his fingers.

'This isn't about what you want, little cock slut. It's about fucking you to my pleasure. If I touch you it's because I want to.' He commanded, walking around the bed. He dropped the whip and trailed his hand across your breasts and down your side. Pulling at the chain that held the nipple clamps, watching your body arch and smirking as you tried to remain still. His hands drawn to the spaces of skin in between the leather of the harness. 

'If I let you touch me, it's because I want you to touch me, no other reason. You are just a fuck toy. Are we clear?'

'Y-Yes Sir.' Watching him as he moved onto the bed, his hands touching your body once more, in his element, occasionally stopping to suck or bite at a favorite spot, making your body jolt with pleasure, taking what he wanted while silently worshiping you, your skin on fire. Fuck, you were definitely going to die from the hotness of this man one day.

'Hold your legs open for me.' He demanded moving between them, leaning over you, rubbing his shaft along your soaked pussy. 

“Hmmm. So hot down here after that spanking, little one. And wet as fuck. Such a perfect little fuck toy.' He growled. 

You were too desperate for him to touch you to respond coherently. Filled with need you could barely describe.

He slid inside you with no further warning, filling and stretching you. Swearing as he did so, pausing as he bottomed out, making you writhe beneath him despite yourself, stilling as he pinned you down with just a look. 

You knew he was as worked up and close to the edge as you were, and you admired his control and commitment to playing this out fully. You knew he loved it too, but he was playing it to the end for you. Most of this game was for you.

'Move. Use your pussy and your hips to make me come.' He demanded, keeping his cock deep inside you, forcing you to lift up on his broad shoulders, raising your hips, grinding against him, feeling your clit spark with the friction as you rubbed yourself against him, pushing upward, clenching and pulsing your tight internal muscles. Wrapping your legs around him and pulling him closer, feeling the strength in his arms and those fucking massive biceps as he held himself above you and you climbed him like a tree.

'Come on you little cock whore, that all you got?' He taunted.

You grunted, moving faster, fucking up into him, lost in the pleasure, domination, and delicious shame. Pushing and grinding, humping him harder and harder. Coming undone, lost and clinging to him before you realized it was happening, mouth open in a silent scream as he watched you, love and fire dancing in his eyes.

You had barely come down, the aftershocks still reverberating through you as he began to move.

'Did I say you could cum?' He growled, his voice low, his thrusts deep and hard.

You froze.

'Did I say you could cum?' He demanded, pounding you harder, each deep thrust sending new sparks through your still shuddering walls.

'No - no Sir. Sorry, Sir. I couldn't help it.' You moaned, your body filling with volcanic heat once again.

'Such a disobedient whore. Look at you. Taking all of my cock like the hot little slut you are.' He growled in your ear.

'Think you're done here? That I'm through fucking you yet?' His voice menacing and hot as fuck.

He raised up onto his knees, lifting you and bringing you with him, your back arching up off the bed as he set a bruising pace, his hands digging into your hips as he fucked you faster, bringing you back to the brink again.

'You're MY fuck toy and we're done when I. say. we're. done.' He snarled, enunciating each word with a snap of his hips. Taking you harder and rougher with each thrust, pounding up into your g-spot, causing your eyes to roll back in your head. White noise rushing in, your thighs and his abdomen drenched as you squirted all over you both.

Dean barely noticing as he set you back down on the bed and let himself go completely, jackhammering you and shouting your name as he fucked you through orgasm after orgasm, each aftershock a fresh explosion. 

Both of you loud and visceral, intermingling praise and calling each other's name with a string of expletives. His stamina and strength overwhelming, your body completely at his mercy as you shook beneath him, the pleasure and orgasm overload causing you to lose consciousness temporarily. 

Coming back as Dean finally shuddered to a halt deep inside you, holding you down as his body bucked and slammed into you, turning rigid with the force of his release. The passion and fury of past few minutes leaving you both dazed and confused for a few moments as you each fell back onto the pillows and tried to catch your breath. 

Dean recovering first and coming back to pepper your face in kisses, his face concerned.

'You ok?' He checked, stroking you, removing the nipple clamps, gently sucking them, and controlling the blood flow so it wasn't too painful. 'You're so perfect baby, so good. Fucking awesome.' He praised.

'Back at ya Sir'. You wheezed, still out of breath. 

'Fuck I needed that.' He said, flinging the clamps across the room and pulling you into him.

You nodded. Both of you finding a release in bondage and bdsm that was different to your usual amazing sex and naked fun. The tension of hunting, anxiety, angel demon crap. It all fell away. You lay there cradled in his arms, just breathing each other in, as your phones went off simultaneously - messages from Sam and Kevin.

Sam was more diplomatic:

_'Guys, your bedroom isn't as soundproof as the dungeon when you're doing that stuff. Try to remember that next time!!!!'_

Kevin less so:

_'Seriously, keep it down - or better yet, shut the fuck up completely!'_

You both laughed. 

'I think Kevin might need to get laid.' Said Dean, clearly about to type that back to him.

'I think they both probably do, but he will also punch you if you type that back to him.' You giggled.

'Yeah, you're probably right.' He chuckled, putting the phone down and pulling you close, going into aftercare mode. Gently undoing and removing the harness, checking you over once again. Wiping you down with a soft damp cloth. Stroking and reassuring you, covering you in kisses and soft touches, making sure you knew that it was only play, that none of those words were real.

You watched him in quiet awe. Neither of you had ever had a partner that was so intuitive to your needs and able to shift so quickly to find things that worked in any given moment. Combined with your electrically charged attraction for one another and the fact you both liked to use your bodies to talk for you - your sex life was fucking incredible. If one was interested and the other didn't have a hard boundary... you explored. If you liked it - you explored some more. 

You had both agreed months ago, after realizing just how many different things you were discovering and enjoying together, not to bother analyzing any of it - if it worked for you, you went with it. Both of you quick to acknowledge and adapt if the other wasn't feeling it... had you not clenched around his fingers earlier, he would have stopped with the name-calling right at the beginning of the session - knowing today was not the day for it. Not questioning it, just following the flow.  
  


'What?' He said, noticing your look as he gently lifted you under the covers and climbed in beside you. 

'Just happy. Grateful as fuck for you - for this. I didn't know... this - us was even possible.' You murmured.

'Oh baby. You have no idea how grateful I am for you. This.' He agreed, kissing you deeply, holding you tight. 

You quickly fell asleep in his arms, both of you exhausted and blissful. Safe. Sure there would be no bad dreams of your stepfather tonight at least.

The King of Hell might be in your basement, but in your room with Dean, the whole world went away.

* 

You were right, that night it wasn't your stepfather in your dreams.

'Rookie. That's what Dean calls you I believe?' You turned in the direction of the voice, surprised to see Metatron standing in front of you. 

'What is this?' You asked, knowing immediately that it wasn't simply a dream. 'How did you get inside my head?'

'Eh. Some souls are purer than others - makes it easier for us angels to talk to you.' Shrugged Metatron. 'I thought it was time we had a chat.' 

'Hah. If you're after pure - I think you're barking up the wrong tree. That ship sailed a long time ago.' You replied, turning to go.

'Oh, you'd be surprised.' Called Metatron. 'Despite the tragedies of your past young lady, it seems you have managed to keep a fairly clear heart. Still, it can't possibly stay that way while tangled up with a Winchester... ' He paused, circling you, his tone creepy and insidious. 'They have a way of darkening things they touch.'

'Is there a point to this?' You sighed, too tired even in your dreams to entertain his crap.

'I'd be careful my dear. There are many things hanging in the balance right now - your precious Dean is going to be one of them.' He snarled, looking you up and down. 

'Unless you help him choose more wisely. Distract him, persuade him to leave me alone and I'll leave him...' He paused meaningfully, 'And you alone. You can live happily ever after in your bunker with dear little Sammy, killing ghosts and demons to your heart's content.'

'Look, you unleashed a load of angel crap in our backyard, and no doubt have some pathetic plan to make yourself God or some other bullshit - so I think it's a hard pass on the 'leaving you alone' request Metatron.' You declared irritably. Not sure how safe from him you were in your own head, but going for it anyway. 

'How about you open up the gates of heaven, get all the angels out of our hair, and we'll call it even?' You suggested, crossing your arms, your face impassive.

'Hmm. I should have known you wouldn't be much better than your neanderthal.' He sighed. 'You do know Dean's already meddling where he shouldn't, lying to you and his precious Sammy. On your current trajectory, the two of you aren't going to last much longer anyway. I don't know why I bothered. You're not an end player.' 

He snorted.

'See you round... Rookie.' 

*

You woke with a start, turning on the light, surprised to find Dean wasn't still asleep beside you. You slipped out of bed and eventually found him in the library, engrossed in his laptop.

'Dean? When did you get up again?' You asked, moving over to him as he looked up with a start, quickly closing the laptop and leaning back in his chair.

'Little while ago. Couldn't sleep.' He stretched. 'Thought I'd do some research. You ok babe? Another bad dream?' He asked, his sweet green eyes checking yours and pulling you into his lap.

'Definitely bad, but different bad.' You said, telling him about Metatron. Skipping the part about Winchesters darkening your heart.

'The fuck? That dickwad is showing up in your dreams?' He growled as you finished. 

You also didn't mention Metatron saying your relationship wasn't going to last much longer or the part about Dean lying to you, especially given it was probably just a ploy to mess with your head. You already knew Dean was waiting to tell you something, it wasn't exactly news to you. And besides, you still hadn't told him about the soldier demon, there hadn't been a right time, and you just didn't feel like talking about it. He'd already babysat you through so much - you didn't want him to think you were going to fall apart every two minutes or any time you got near a demon. You were tired of dealing with old trauma, it was time your past stayed in the godamn past. You shook it off, focusing on other topics.

'Yeah, so apparently my 'pure soul' is as good as angel frigging radio. They can stop by for a chat whenever they want because my channel is such a clean frequency.' You exclaimed, rolling your eyes, stopping when you caught Dean's expression. 'What? You don't believe it do you? Why are you looking at me like that?'

'Like what? It just doesn't surprise me that you have a pure soul.' He smiled, stroking your hair. 'Annoying as fuck that my girl gets dream calls from douchebags, but I don't doubt it's true and it's not surprising to me at all.'

'Okay, I'm definitely watching a different tv show to all y'all. In here...' You replied, motioning to yourself. 'Is a mess of fucked up aftermath, dealing with things badly and just hanging in there. It's only ever felt close to being good to be me since...' You stopped short of finishing the sentence.

'Since?' Dean inclined his head, leaning forward with interest.

Goddammit, suddenly you felt awkward and vulnerable. You said nothing, mutely shaking your head.

'Since..' Repeated Dean, his fingers under your chin, bringing your eyes to meet his. Locking you in their green depths.

'Since being with you.' You whispered, gulping, and gathering all your courage. Knowing he knew anyway, but still scared to say it out loud. 

'Everything just fits when I'm with you. I know where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing - and who I'm supposed to be with. I have purpose and calm. Like - uh, for the first time... I really belong.' You blushed.  
  
Fuck. Despite all the love and trust between you, there were layers that still felt like skin peeling off. These words held such deep truth for you. You could feel the echoes of the commitment-phobe, along with the fear of rejection and abandonment that still lingered deep within you, all of them having a frigging heart attack at once right now.

Dean took it in softly, seeing it, all of it, all of you. Knowing from the way you held your eyes that part of you was having an internal freakout.

'Me too baby. Fuck. Exactly me too.' He whispered, pulling you in for a searing kiss. Using his body, his tongue, and those gorgeous lips to let you know he felt it just as deeply, that your feelings were returned, that you were loved. That you helped him feel like he belonged too. That it freaked him out a little to admit it also.

You laughed inwardly at the fact that not only were you united in your feelings of belonging with one another, but also in your insecurity about it as well. Not exactly the stuff of rom com's, but so much better than any movie you'd ever seen or could imagine. Two pieces of fucked up, that fit together and formed something good.

It was strange then that you had this horrible sense of foreboding. The visit from Metatron crystallizing it. You realized with dread that you didn't really think he was lying. And you wondered how long you had left before something tore you and Dean apart. And how the fuck either of you were going to cope when it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She talks to Angels - Black Crowes  
> [ Spotify Playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)
> 
> [ Music Video ](https://youtu.be/H58gMiQQRm0)
> 
> GIF 1: https://saucynewf.tumblr.com/post/161607951597  
> GIF 2: https://valeeng.tumblr.com/post/29463628902
> 
> * * *  
> Phew - that got bit hotter than originally expected🔥  
> PS. How's cute was human Cass? Had to re-watch recently to ground this series - he's the cutest.


	5. I just want to make love to you...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So decided on this song because as soon as I did, I began re-imagining the chapter and Dean with a Diet Coke ad flavor ...  
> The last of the fluff and smut before the angst storm... Enjoy 💙

[ **I JUST WANNA MAKE... LOVE TO YOU** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)

_**And I can hear by the way you  
talk that talk** _

_**  
There is nothing for you to do  
  
..And I just want to make  
love to you ** _

**  
ETTA JAMES**

Every now and then, your limit of 'what the fuck' went off, leaving you bewildered and bemused as to how you ended up where you were. The fun part was, you never really knew when it would happen.   
King of Hell in your basement - cool. Boyfriend being one with dogs and speaking animal for a day - funny and kinda sweet. Your angel friend losing his mojo and becoming human - pretty worrying ... But the three of you becoming virgins by signing a form and sitting in the back room of a church listening to a sermon on chastity? Having to explain why you were giving up sex and becoming virgins again? It was frankly a step too far into the 'what the fuck' tree and suddenly you were questioning the life choices that led you there.

The case had come from Jody, an unusual death and a string of disappearances in a neighboring town that she deemed weird enough to call the boys about. Though you'd chatted over speakerphone, you had yet to meet her in person. Even this morning you had missed each other, the boys having breakfast with her and getting a debrief while you stayed back at the motel, dealing with emails and calls from one of your former startups. You made yourself available to them from time to time whenever they needed your input and had recently been consulting on a new proposal.   
It was always strange dipping back into your old life. It still held some interest for you and you tried to stay current, but your knowledge was starting to get left behind as you immersed yourself in all things supernatural and the tech world continued to evolve at a rapid pace. 

The boys got the low down from Jody and returned to pick you up in the early afternoon, just as you finished up. So far there was one body and several people missing, all of whom were members of a local church. The three of you headed over there, simply planning to ask a few questions and see if anything looked suspicious, but thanks to Dean, the plan had evolved.   
On hearing that all the missing churchgoers were part of a purity group, Dean spontaneously announced that was actually why the three of you were there - to join the purity club. He quickly concocted a cover story - you and he were getting married and wanted to be purified for your union, with Sam coming along as support and in hopes of resetting his own love-life. Earning raised eyebrows from Sam and a near jaw drop from you that fortunately Bonnie, the Church secretary who looked like a poster girl for the pure and pious, did not see. 

One little form, some virtue signaling from Bonnie, and you were officially purified and re-virginized. She led you from her office to the meeting in the backroom, making introductions as the three of you sat down in the circle of chairs awkwardly. Suzy, the surprisingly hot chastity counselor who ran the meetings then asked each of you to play show and tell with your 'virgin again' backstories to a group of women, who - more than anything, all looked like they desperately needed to get laid.   
  
Sam played the 'things turn out badly for most women I sleep with' card for his story - which to be fair was true, then suddenly all eyes were on you and you were back to questioning your life choices. Wasn't there a vampire head you could chop off somewhere instead? Fuck.

'I - uh.' You stuttered.

'Its okay honey, you can tell them.' Dean encouraged gently, teasing fucking smirk all over his face as he waited to see what you were going to say.

'Well.' You said quietly, he wanted to play? Okay, you could play. 

'I - uh, haven't had many lovers, so I when I met Dean and knew he was the one... we decided to wait, you know - so our wedding night would be special. But I - I wished I'd waited - uh, before him. ' You looked around the room, all the woman smiling back at you encouragingly. 'I'm just - worried about my past, that's why he suggested coming here.'   
You glanced at him, pretending to be nervous, his green eyes returning your gaze, challenge dancing in them. He couldn't wait to hear where this was going.   
  
'You see the last man I made love with was... ' You dropped your voice to a whisper. 'Very well-endowed. And he - well he made me feel all sorts of crazy things.'

You licked your lips nervously.

'In fact, I was practically his sex-slave, my body was all hot and shaky whenever I was around him. I would do anything he said, any time, any.. where.' You bit your lip, keeping your eyes focused on the floor as if you were ashamed. 'We even did role play and - terrible things with pie...' You gulped and shook your head, as if it was too obscene to tell them the rest.   
'It was like I had no control, I just wanted him so much.' You made your voice breathless. 'Taking me, doing naughty, bad bad things to me. Like I had this fire under my skin that burnt hot just for him and the terrible wicked things we did together. It was awful. So dirty. So ... sinful.' You emphasized the few words, verbally underlining them. You heard Sam cough, telling you to wind it up.  
You reached over and put a hand on Dean's cheek, noticing how his eyes were low lidded and blown with lust. 

'I know my darling Dean would never do that to me. He's so sweet. So good. But my last lover said it was my fault, that I made him that way - I just hope I don't corrupt Dean. I want our lovemaking to be sweet and pure. I don't want to be like that again.' 

You cast your eyes down once again, pretending a sob as you finished. 

Peeking around the room from under your lashes, you noticed with amusement which of the women were now flushed, most of them showing some signs of arousal and curiosity at your story, checking out Dean to see just how corruptible he might be, only the pure and pious Bonnie looking uptight and annoyed.

'Oh, baby. Don't you worry, I have control.' He smiled reassuringly. 'So much fucking control.' He muttered under his breath, nearly making you laugh as he took your hand and squeezed it. The tight grip, and the way he was leaning forward, letting his flannel shirt cover his lap, telling you exactly how hard he was for you right now. 

'Ah - um. Yes. I'm sure it will be fine, we'll help you.' Said Suzy, looking a little more flushed than you would expect a celibacy counselor to be. 'And Dean? Would you like to share now?'

Dean tore his eyes away from you.

'Uh, what? Oh, yeah.' They narrowed slightly and you knew he was going to try a little payback for making him so horny. 'Well you know I too have had ... experiences. I mean sex has always felt ... good, really good.' He paused.  
  
'But you know, what's the big deal? He said, trying to play it off before smiling that grin of his and licking his godamn sexy lips. 

'Sure there's the touching and the feeling... all of each other... the way that when she looks at me, I get these crazy sparks of electricity that go right to my co - core. The way it feels to slowly slide the clothes off her soft skin... my hands everywhere, tracing every inch of her body... and then the world falls away and it's just the two of us moving together, pressing, pulling and grinding...'   
  
You watched the women in the room reacting to Dean, his full lips and husky voice had their absolute attention. Their breath quickening, their legs crossing and uncrossing, faces flushed with desire, eyes raw with need. His voice got lower - not quite the whiskey rumble he had during sex, but close.  
  
'And then you hit that sweet spot, when you can't stop, even if you wanted to... when everything just builds, and builds, and builds, and it all just...' Sam cleared his throat and gave him a hard stare as Dean made a noise that sounded like a soft explosion. 

He finished with some excuse about being ready to give it all up because waiting for marriage was worth it, but no one was listening by then. It had clearly been a long time - if ever, since any of these women had had decent sex with a hot man. And here Dean was with his gorgeous face, smoking bod and husky voice talking about how good it felt... You were amazed none of them had slid off their chairs. Hell, you had just had him this morning but were so turned on right now you would easily have jumped over there and straddled him in front of all of them. 

'Well, uh let's take a quick break shall we?' Suggested Suzy, all the women around you quickly agreeing, gulping and getting up. 

You looked up to see Sam giving you both a death stare. 'Really?' He glared.

'Sorry, Sam. I didn't mean to be quite so..' You began, trying hard to keep a sweet and contrite look on your face.

'Oh please. Save it.' He rolled his eyes and walked over to the refreshment table.

'Hey, he shouldn't speak to my fiancée that way - want me to punch him?' Dean smirked.

'Of all the things I want you to do with your hands right now - punching Sam is not one of them.' You murmured, keeping your voice low and watching Dean visibly respond with a shake of his head, followed by a full-body shudder and a deep breath out.

'You two ok here?' Suzy's voice was bright and cheerful behind you.

'Yes. Uh - good.' You replied, your train of thought about Dean's hands leaving you at a loss for words.

'I understand how difficult celibacy can be - especially for couples who know what they're missing and want to wait.' She said softly. 'I have some books I can lend you if you'd like?'

Dean glanced at you, clearly thinking it was a good opportunity to get her alone to ask some questions about the disappearances, reminding you why you were in fact there, the little game of show and tell having distracted you entirely. 

'Uh - thank you, that would be really helpful.' You agreed, finding yourselves following her back to her apartment nearby shortly afterward. She was pretty - tall, blonde, and leggy... you wondered what her story was. She seemed a bit too knowing and smoking hot to be celibate and hanging out in a small town church group. It occurred to you that she may be the monster you were looking for, and this could be a trap.   
You threw Dean a look, but he was immersed in the conversation, asking her questions about the case while staring at her profile as if he was trying to place her from somewhere. Funny, you thought she looked familiar also. 

You eventually reached her apartment, where she encouraged both of you to make yourselves at home. You wandered around the living room, looking at the art on the wall, casually asking questions about the missing church members and their habits, whether she might have any ideas about what had happened to them. Dean taking advantage of the distraction to find little ways to test her. She knew surprisingly little about the disappearances, but you could tell she genuinely cared about them.

'Uh, sorry I should have asked sooner. Can I get you anything?' She murmured, clearly keen to change topics. 'Some tea perhaps?' Tears prickling at the corners of her eyes.

'Are you okay?' You asked.

'I'm just really worried about them, they're all such good people. I've prayed and prayed - I just want them to be ok.' She whispered, tears falling down her cheeks. 

You moved closer and gave her a hug, looking over her shoulder at Dean, who shrugged. She could be acting but it seemed pretty genuine, plus she'd passed all of the surreptitious testing, she wasn't your monster.

'I'm sorry. I'm sure they'll be fine, you must think I'm a mess. Look, I'll get the books for you.' She said, wiping away the tears and bustling past you and down the hall.

You moved out the way and bumped into a chest of drawers, knocking one of them open a little. You were just about to close it when a pile of dvds caught your eye.

'No way.' You grinned, pulling several out the draw and looking at the covers.

'What?' Asked Dean.

'Its Carmelita. She's Carmelita. From Casa Erotica.' You exclaimed, practically jumping up and down. You and Dean had spent many a happy hour watching porn together, and Carmelita had been a favorite for a little while.

'I knew she looked familiar.' Dean's voice full of wonder as he grabbed one out of your hand.

'Hey, so here's some of the...' Suzy returned to the room, her arms full of books, stopping when she saw the two of you with the dvd's in your hands. 

'Sorry, I didn't mean to snoop.' You said, dropping the dvds back in the draw guiltily.

'Uh, look I can explain.' Stuttered Suzy.

'No - you don't have to explain anything Carmelita. You're amazing.' Assured Dean, raising the dvd he was holding in awe. 'This is one of our all-time faves.'

'No, listen. I'm not that girl. She was dreadful. Awful. Horrible. I moved, changed my name - I don't want to be that girl anymore.' She turned away, visibly upset.

'Hey, hey.' Soothed Dean, taking the books from her, squeezing her hand. 'I promise you - I've seen horrible, the stuff of fricken nightmares. You, her, whatever - are definitely not that.' He held her chin, looking directly into her eyes, his voice soft. 'Your work, the things you can do. You're the stuff of good dreams Suzy. You make a lot of people happy. Don't ever be ashamed of that.' 

You watched her visibly relax as he grinned at her encouragingly, letting go of her chin and giving her some space.

'Thanks for saying that, I appreciate it.' Her smile genuine. 'But um - no one here knows.' She whispered, looking concerned.

'It's ok - we won't say anything.' You reassured her, looking at Dean as he moved beside you, his arm resting on your waist.

'You're both so kind. Look, if you want to swap counselors I get it.' She replied, looking apprehensive. 'I mean, who wants to be taught celibacy by a former porn star.' 

'Well, to be fair we have our own secret.' You said, hoping to get her on side and trust you both. 'We actually have had sex together already - a lot. We just thought it would be a good idea to try and do a little restart, have a do over before we got married. Make our families happy.' You shrugged, hoping she'd buy it.

'I wondered.' Suzy said nodding. I mean the two of you are so attractive, I would have been surprised if you could keep your hands off each other. I bet you look super hot together.' She exhaled, looking at you both with longing, the energy in the room changing quickly. 'Threesomes with hot couples was always my favorite type of movie to make.'

Dean made a strangled noise and you wouldn't have been surprised if he just came in his pants. He was literally speechless at her implied proposition, let alone whether you'd be willing to consider it.

'Is she a good kisser Dean? I bet you're both really good kissers.' She murmured, eye fucking the both of you, need coming off her in waves.

Dean turned to look at you with his best puppy dog eyes, he might have even whimpered a little. You knew he was having an apoplexy right now at the thought of it, and wanted to see your reaction. He wouldn't dare entertain the idea unless you were into it, but you knew it was literally all his Christmas's and birthdays come at once.

It was tempting as fuck. You didn't have much experience with women, but you'd definitely had some fun during that one-off with Charlie before you and Dean got together, and how often do you get to have a threesome with a famous porn star? You nodded subtly, giving him permission to explore this a little, take charge, knowing you could traffic light at any time and he'd stop. His eyes went wide.

'Yeah. She's uh - she's a fantastic kisser Suzy.' He breathed, looking at you with love and adoration. 'Best I've ever had.' He smiled, leaning down to kiss you, his tongue entangling with yours, his hands in your hair, exploring your mouth with slow sensual grace before pulling back. You heard her groan softly. 

'She's the best everything I've ever had.' He rumbled, kissing your neck, his tongue seeking that little spot that made you gasp and arch into him.

'Would you like to kiss her?' He asked, pulling back as Suzy moved closer, his eyes on both of you, watching as her tongue slid across her bottom lip in anticipation.

'Please.' She whispered as she stopped in front of you. Smiling as you leaned in the rest of the way, her lips soft and warm as they met yours, yielding as you pushed your tongue against hers, the heat intensifying as you tasted each other. Moving in and out of each other's mouths, chasing, and intertwining. Gently plundering then pulling back. 

'Fuck'. You heard Dean exclaim as you trailed off into a series of little kisses.

'Would you like to kiss Dean?' You asked, looking up at him. He looked back at you in return - questioning whether you were really ok with him kissing her. You smiled and shifted to show you were fine. 

He kissed her softly, the visuals surprising you. You would never have expected to find it tolerable, let alone arousing to watch him kiss someone else, but this situation, the fact that she was a porn star - gave it all a surreal quality that allowed you to let go, getting lost in the sensuality of it all. 

Dean turned back to you, kissing you once more and unbuttoning your shirt, his eyes blown with lust as he slid it off your shoulders and moved behind you, kissing your neck as he undid your bra, dropping it lazily to the floor and nuzzling your shoulder. Suzy moving forward to kiss you as he did so. 

'Feel how soft she is, how perfect.' Murmured Dean, taking her hands and putting them on your bare breasts, his breath hot on your neck as you arched up into the feeling and Suzy complied, thrusting her tongue deep into your mouth as she did so, flicking your nipples with her thumbs, pushing upward as her tongue filled your mouth. You moaned, your body humming with the attention.

'You are so beautiful.' Whispered Suzy. 'Have either of you ever done this before?' 

'No. Not uh three... No.' You replied as Dean hummed an affirmative and nodded over your shoulder, his mouth still busy with your neck. Of course he'd had threesomes, he's probably had loads, you thought groaning with need, your body twitching and finding it more and more difficult to breathe as she began to kiss her way across your chest, her lips focusing on your nipples, flicking them expertly as Dean ran his hands down the side of your body, unbuttoning your jeans and sliding them down your thighs, kissing the backs of your knees as he helped you out of them and your boots, leaving you in only your panties. Your focus lost in a haze of kisses and touches from both of them until you felt Dean stand behind you once again, and you were suddenly aware you were the only mostly naked one in the room.

You turned your head, reaching up for him, bringing his lips down for a hot and heavy kiss. Knowing he felt your slight nervousness.

'Hey baby girl, going to take care of you ok?' He smiled, putting his arm forward, stroking Suzy's hair as she continued to work your nipples, her hand delicately tracing your hips. 'Both of you.'

She smiled up at him and nodded. Happy for him to take the lead. 

Suzy took your hand and showed you the way to her bedroom, allowing the two of you to kiss her and remove her clothes once you got there. Dean taking the lower half, while you pushed off her hoodie and sports bra, hungry for skin on skin contact, to touch her.

Dean moved with leisurely grace, peeling off her tights until you were both wearing nothing but panties, reveling in the little mewls and moans of appreciation coming from you both as you kissed above him. 

'Fuck ladies, those noises alone could make me come.' He groaned, stroking each of you through the fabric of your panties, making you both to rub your thighs closer, demanding more friction. He growled as he kissed your pussy, his tongue flat against it as he pulled your panties down, the sudden soft heat of his breath and skin on skin causing you to gasp into Suzy's mouth, making him chuckle beneath you. 

Leaving your panties on the floor, he moved over to Suzy to do the same, working them down her legs as he held his tongue against her, until the two of you were standing naked and making out. Dean stepping back to watch as your hands roamed, tracing the softness and tone of the other's body as your tongues pushed deeper, exploring one another's mouths, wanting more, moaning as your fingers slipped through each other's folds, chasing the sensation Dean had begun with his tongue.. teasing, touching and tantalizing. She was already soaking wet, you could feel her body trembling with need and pent up energy, the sexual tension crackling, your own pussy humming and soaked also.

'So beautiful.' Dean groaned, his voice thick with that whiskey rumble of sex now. Grinning as you both turned to him hungrily, kissing one last time before Suzy reached her hand out, offering him her fingers that had just been inside you, letting him taste you. It looked so fucking hot watching him lick them clean, you couldn't resist offering him yours also, watching as he held both Suzy's fingers and yours together in his mouth, sucking and slurping, as his tongue flicked around them.

'Godamn delicious.' He grinned, smacking his lips, looking so fuckable, and happy and hot you could hardly stand it. He was also wearing far too many clothes.

You raised an eyebrow at Suzy, both of you moving quickly. You rolled his shirt off those gorgeous broad shoulders, raising his tee over his head and pulling him into a searing kiss, before moving down to nuzzle the little spot under his ear that never failed to make him growl and curse, your hands trailing deliciously across his chest in appreciation. 

Having undone and lowered his jeans, Suzy was slowly tugging on his boxers, sliding them down and placing small kisses on his hips like she was unwrapping a present.

'Wow.' She exclaimed, taking in his rock hard gorgeous cock, and looking up at you both with shining eyes. 'You are one lucky woman.' 

'Fuck, you have no idea.' You giggled, kneeling down beside her as she took him into her mouth, watching as she expertly began to roll her tongue around his tip, dripping saliva so she could stroke him up and down. You watched in awe at first, remembering and comparing it to the many times you'd seen her do it in her films, the thought of it getting you wetter as you watched. 

She paused and smiled at you. 

'Remember Tango el Trio?' She grinned, referencing one of your favorite films of hers.

You nodded and quickly leaned in, copying the film by sucking gently on Dean's balls as she went back to giving him head, her spare hand reaching for you and rubbing your clit as Dean ran his hands through both your hair. 

'Holy fucking shit ladies.' He rasped, gazing down at both of you, his face contorting and eyes blown with lust. 'You're both frigging incredible.'

You smiled up at him under your lashes, pushing your fingers into Suzy's pussy, causing her to moan around him, making his leg twitch. You pushed in deeper, coating them with her slick before moving your hand and sliding it up near Dean's hole as you continued to work over his balls, reaching for his sweet spot, wanting to intensify the feeling for him, but not end it too soon. Noticing his tells, that he was getting close, the short twitches and trembling giving it away. 

'Jesus Christ.' He whispered, his voice desperate.

'Give me it all. Cum for Carmelita.' She panted in Spanish, using a line from one of her films before doubling down and deep throating him, Dean only able to utter a small exclamation of 'fuck', as you slipped your finger in a little deeper and massaged that sweet spot.

He held on as long as he could, watching you both, using all his willpower to stay in the moment until the intensity became too much and he let go, hands on each of your heads, shouting and arching as he came. 

'Fuck, oh fuck.' He yelled, his body shaking and shuddering. His face and the two of them a thing of beauty as he emptied himself deep down Suzy's throat, even as she kept working your clit, your own body shaking with little explosions in concert with Dean's as you came. 

You leaned in as he pulled out, giving his gorgeous cock tiny kisses before turning to kiss her, licking little bits left around her mouth, then plunging your tongue deep inside. She tasted of Dean, it was familiar and strange and hot as fuck and you couldn't stop. Wanting more, tasting more. 

'Shit. I'm not sure I'm going to survive this, but what a way to go.' Dean panted, grinning and sitting down on the bed, watching you both.

Eventually, you pulled back, looking up as he held his hand out to each of you, bringing you to sit either side of him. He kissed you first, soft but dirty with lots of tongue, then turned to Suzy to do the same.

'I have just one rule and one boundary.' He said gently, turning to you then Suzy. 'And it's ok if either or both have an issue - we can work it out.' He stroked your hand reassuringly. 'But my rule is that my girl is my first consideration - so she has veto over everything here except my boundary ...' 

He grinned at you, running his hand down your face. 

'Which is that, I'm cool with whatever else... But hers is the only pussy I ever want to be in. Especially since we got re-virginized this morning, it's a fresh slate - and I kinda love the idea that she's it, my one and only.' His voice even huskier than usual as he smiled softly. 'Is that ok with both of you?'

You might have actually fucking swooned, your insides definitely melted and you could only gulp and nod when he looked at you. This man was too much.

'That's so sweet Dean. I'm fine with that.' Agreed Suzy. 'There's more than a few ways to work around it.' She smiled sexily, leaning over to open the drawer next to the bed and grabbing some lube that was sitting next to an array of dildos, leaving you both staring open-mouthed.

'What - I'm celibate, not dead.' She laughed.

'Think the celibate ship has just sailed Suzy.' Chuckled Dean, giving you both a gentle kiss and then moving up the bed, lying flat on his back. 'Now get on up here and sit on my face, my sweet Carmelita.' 

You watched her look at the length of him, from his beautiful face to his gorgeous cock that was already beginning to recover, and you kissed her lightly.

'Go on - you are in for a treat.' You told her, watching as she happily moved to straddle his face. 

'Fuck you smell so good.' He grunted, Suzy's expression of bliss immediate as he began to work his tongue through her folds, laving back and forth, making her writhe almost immediately. You moved forward to join them, rubbing your pussy back and forth against Dean's hardening cock as you straddled him, leaning forward to kiss Suzy as you did so. It was crazy hot to be sliding up and down Dean's cock and kissing her as she rode his face. You moved down to suck one of her nipples, your hand flicking and kneading the other one.

'He's good isn't he?' You grinned around her nipple as her body spasmed and she cried out. 

'Fuck, so good. So fucking good.' She moaned, almost growling. 

You watched as Dean took one of his hands from around her thighs and pushed it between the two of you, reaching for your pussy. You automatically lifted your hips to give him better access and watched as he moved in and out, making you sigh. His fingers causing little earthquakes as he took some of your slick and then moved his hand back up and backward, using it to rub up against Suzy's tight hole, pressing in, opening her up a little, never missing a beat as she continued to slide back and forth over his face.

You watched entranced, as her face contorted in pleasure and you leaned forward once again, your mouth working her nipple much faster as you slipped your hand down to her clit and pressed little circles, knowing by the way she gasped that Dean had felt your fingers and thrust his tongue up inside her. The tip of his now fully hard cock pressing deliciously against your pussy lips adding extra friction to the fun you were having at helping Dean make Suzy come undone.

'Come for us, Carmelita.' You whispered, grinding her clit harder as you sucked and lightly bit her breasts. Dean's hand working one hole while his tongue fucked the other.

'Fuck. Yes. Oh. my. God.' She cried out, clinging to your shoulders, shuddering and shaking. Her eyes rolling backward as she came. It was a surreal moment because you'd seen her cum so many times in her movies, but this was so much more visceral, exciting, and hot.

You both released her and she fell sideways, blissed out and grinning. 

Dean smiled softly as you turned to look down at him, his face shiny with her slick, his hands already busy and gently roaming your body, as his lips began their work of driving you crazy, kissing and sucking anywhere they could reach.

'Ready to lose your virginity to me, Rookie?' He rasped, pulling you in for a kiss.

'Fuck yes Dean. Be my first? My one and only?' You smiled back, feeling cheesy and awesome at the same time. The idea that you were truly re-virginized was obviously laughable, but the surprising sentiment that both of you felt towards the idea, the fresh slate, and complete devotion, was giving you all sorts of feels.

'So perfect. Things you do to me, you have no idea babe.' He growled, nipping, and licking at the skin under your breast.

'Back at you Sir.' You replied, trembling with need, unable to hold back as you looked down at Dean's glistening face and pounced, licking and cleaning him before thrusting your tongue down into his mouth, just as he thrust his cock up into your pussy. Moaning as he filled you and you felt that usual stretch, maybe even more than usual. You felt electrified, connected, full of his cock and tongue, he tasted tangy and sweet, slick with her juices but still distinctly Dean too. His green eyes watching you hungrily, lit up with love and need. It was so hot, the whole experience strangely intimate, the two of you working together on that next level of intuition and communication you'd developed and perfected over the last year, trusting and knowing each other so well, so in tune with no words spoken that a third person was only adding to your connection. 

For a moment you were both lost in each other's eyes, appreciating the revelations the experience was bringing, each other, the moment and the symbolism of losing your virginity to each other, kissing deeply then watching each other again, the rhythm of your hips never faltering, meeting hungrily and with precision timing.

'Fuck you two are hot as fuck.' Suzy whispered, breaking the spell and making you grin. You slowed your hips, giving Dean one last lingering kiss before sliding off him. You knew he wanted to have a lot more fun before he came again, and you were pretty sure you knew what move he wanted to try next - both of you having some faves from her movies. 

You moved back towards the pillows, rearranging them and propping yourself up slightly, your legs and ass half off the edge of the bed as Dean moved to stand between them.

'You're amazing. My forever girl.' He whispered, low enough so only you could hear. Kissing you deeply, staring at you, his eyes telling you more about his love for you than words ever could, before kissing you hard once again and pulling back to get Suzy into position.

'Come over here gorgeous.' He commanded, offering her his hand. That thick whiskey rumble making her shiver and immediately comply. 

'Now I want you to put your legs either side of this beautiful woman's hips.' Emphasizing his words by kissing first your left and then right hip before turning back to Suzy. 'Then bend forward from the waist sweetheart, and start kissing her.'

Suzy nodded and moved immediately into position, knowing exactly what he meant straight away. From the way she was grinning it was one of her favorites too. Spreading her legs wide either side of you, she bent forward and began kissing you, Dean trailing his hands lightly down her legs as she did so, kissing her pussy as she bent over. 

You reached up for her, stroking and kneading her breasts, gasping into her mouth as Dean slid back inside you, hooking his arms around your thighs and slamming you hard a couple of times before falling into a slightly softer rhythm. 

'Fuck right there Dean.' gasped Suzy. Letting you know that Dean had slipped his tongue against her ass, rimming her as he thrust deeper and harder into your soaking pussy. Nodding your head in agreement, his cock filling you over and over, pounding you into the mattress as Suzy's fingers found your clit, flicking expertly as she moved her head closer to your ear, kissing your neck.

'You want me to show you what your fiancee is doing to me with that tongue?' She whispered, her breath hot in your ear. 'Want me to show you how hard, how good it feels?' She groaned. Her words making your pussy clench.

'Fuck yes.' You panted, welcoming her as she angled your head back, pulling your hair as her tongue attacked your mouth, thrusting, dipping, and pushing. 

Your mouth was full of her, allowing her to take what she wanted, your hands full of her breasts as she circled and flicked the bundle of nerves that would have had you arching upward, were it not for the hold Dean had on your thighs and the deep thrusts of his cock dragging against your g-spot. You were in full-body touch and sensory overwhelm. It felt like every part of you was on fire, stimulated and fritzing with need and molten waves of heat that were already making you ache with the need to come. You looked into her eyes, the pupils blown wide with lust, rolling back every few moments as Dean hit the right spot with his tongue and worked it a little more. Her tongue repeating the motion into your mouth. The pounding of his cock making the thrumming in your body becoming more insistent, roaring through you as you felt yourself coming undone. Your ears ringing and white explosions lighting up your closed eyelids as you screamed your release into Suzy's mouth, her tongue and Dean's cock rocking you through it.

'Fuck.' You gasped when Suzy finally let you up for air.

'Yeah, baby girl.' Rumbled Dean, stroking your hand and grasping it. 'Now hold your legs for me, Rookie, you're not done yet, I know there's another not far behind that one.' He panted, getting you to grab your legs and hold them wide so he could continue to fuck you and use his fingers on Suzy at the same time. Bringing you back to the edge almost immediately, his thrusts coming harder and faster as his tongue pushed inside her and he used the slick from her pussy to begin scissoring her and opening her up. 

'Fuck, you two are so fucking hot.' Dean growled, his fingers working her as his cock filled you time and time again. His hips slamming you faster and harder, as his fingers moved faster inside her ass. His pace nearly faltering as he felt your walls tightening and shuddering once again, watching as the two of you kissed deeply, her fingers gently rubbing your clit and his cock being choked by your clenching cunt as you came hard once more, expletives and praise falling from your mouth.

'Now that's what I'm talking about, you okay baby girl?' Dean asked as he slowly fucked you through your orgasm, his hands still busy and full of Suzy.

'So good Sir. Fuck.' You panted, mewling at the loss as he pulled out of you.

'Ok Princess.' Said Dean, stroking Suzy's thigh. 'Why don't you lay yourself down on my hot little fiancée here and we'll see what we can do about filling up this gorgeous ass of yours huh?'

'Fuck yes, please Dean.' She moaned. 'Need to feel full. God, I've missed real cock so much.' 

You smiled at her as she bought herself down on her knees either side of you, kissing your neck as you heard the click of the lube. Her kissing moving up to your mouth and becoming deeper as Dean began working the lube into her hole, rubbing himself with the other hand as she groaned into your mouth, her knees sliding outward till her pussy was resting against yours, her hands groping your breasts as she kissed you harder.

'Fuck you two have the prettiest pussies I've ever seen.' Dean grunted, taking in the sight of the two of you laying on top of one another, both of you wet and open for him. He put his hand inside you both, his thumb working her pussy as his fingers worked yours, pulling you together, rubbing your clits against one another. You both gasped and arched simultaneously, causing you both to giggle and begin kissing once again.

'You ready Suzy?' asked Dean, stilling his hand that was inside you both, and holding her steady with the other one as he began to slide inside her tight hole. 

You brought your arms around her and grabbed her ass cheeks, loving that you were holding her open for him, watching him over her shoulder as his eyes met yours, green spotlights that held you mesmerized. His expression of love and adoration for you in this moment, his appreciation for the way you were all in and enjoying it too, causing your heart to explode, the lust building once again as you observed his facial expressions as he slid deeper, the pleasure on his face making the molten waves churn within you. His fingers continuing to work you once again as he bottomed out inside her ass. The bliss and concentration on his face the hottest thing you'd ever seen.

'Oh my fucking god Dean.' Suzy cried out. 'You feel so big, and good. Fuck you feel so good.' She grunted, rising up just the smallest amount above you, her breasts swaying with the rhythm of his thrusts as he pushed in, and out, of her. 

Dean closed his eyes, his hips bucking to drive his cock deeper. He looked so godamn beautiful as he thrust in, buried to the hilt and pulling back until the tip was barely inside her before pushing back in again. Suzy gasping and moaning, her hips rolling with Dean’s pace. His thick cock pounding into her over and over, his fingers in both your pussy's, his thumb pushing down on her g-spot, his fingers pulling upward stroking yours. Fuck this man is definitely a sex god, was the last coherent thought you managed before your body began to shake once again, Suzy cumming with you, both of you kissing, licking into each mouths, tongues entwined, lips connected, clits, breasts, bodies rubbing against each other and looking into each other's eyes as you came.

'Jesus Christ you two are so hot, I can't fucking hold it.' He growled, cumming hard, calling both your names. Dropping prayers and praises, slamming his hips against her as he let go. Painting her walls with thick ropes of cum, leaning his body over both of you and dipping down you kiss you deeply while still inside her. It was hot as fuck.

Eventually, he pulled up and out of her, throwing himself at the foot of the bed, completely spent after two orgasms and giving you both several each. You didn't even know what number you were up to, you'd gotten to the point now where you were pretty sure they were just rolling into each other anyway.

'Fuck Dean that was amazing.' Suzy purred, looking over at him before looking back down at you. 

'I can feel his cum dripping out my ass down through my pussy and into yours. Got enough energy left for a little cleanup?' She grinned, raising an eyebrow at you.

'Why not?' You moaned, feeling boneless and tired, but unable to resist the idea of cleaning her ass and pussy of Dean's cum, watching her move and turn until her pussy was hovering over you, and she was face down in yours. You licked upwards, feeling your body already beginning to shake at the first few passes of her tongue. She kept it flat at first, then began to flick it, circling around your sensitive clit before moving back and forth. You'd been so caught up in the last few moments, you'd almost forgotten she was a porn star, but right now her mouth was reminding you. You tried to mimic what you felt her doing to you, but you were pretty sure that it was nowhere near her level. Before you knew it she had you cumming in her mouth, and you were floating slightly above your body as it spasmed and shook. 

She gave your pussy a final kiss before kneeling up and throwing herself on the other side of the bed.

'Holy fucking shit.' You moaned, utterly wrecked, barely able to catch your breath.

'Wow.' Agreed Suzy. 'I've really missed that.'

'I - uh... You're awesome.' Dean stuttered, making a gesture towards the two of you. Still blissed out and unable to form coherent sentences, watching the two of you for the last few minutes clearly doing nothing to help his state of mind.

The three of you lay quietly, simply breathing and taking it all in. Slowly Dean crawled up behind you, hugging you from behind and gathering you in his arms as he kissed your temple.

'You okay baby? Still green?' He whispered, checking in. Turning your head slightly so he could see your eyes.

'As green as your beautiful eyes Sir.' You rasped, giving him a soft smile as he kissed your nose. 

'Both of you were incredible.' Sighed Suzy. 'That was just - incredible. Thank you.' 

Dean shuffled closer and you reached out to her, the three of you resting in each other's arms.   
  
Eventually realizing it was getting dark, Dean nudged you, and the two of you got up. Passing on the offer of a shower, knowing it'd end up in all sorts of trouble once again - and that you still had a case to work, you both accepted the warm damp towels Suzy offered and wiped away the worst of the sex and sweat. 

Once you were finally dressed, you smiled as she thanked you once again. Dean's light touch on your arm checking in, telling you how much he cared, how awesome he thought you were. You squeezed his hand and looked up at him, letting him see how good you felt and how much you'd enjoyed the afternoon. 

'No offense Suzy, but we might just skip the whole virgin/celibacy thing from now on.' Smirked Dean, his eyes dancing with yours as the two of you kissed deeply.

'I just don't think its for us.' He chuckled, kissing the tip of your nose and stroking your face, happy to stay close as you lazily dragged him towards the door. 

'I think I might have some thinking to do about that also.' Grinned Suzy, following you down the hallway.

Giving her a final soft kiss goodbye, you opened the door to find yourselves enveloped in blue light and hit with a body numbing pain. Losing consciousness, you eventually came to in some sort of underground cellar. The two of you trapped with Suzy and a number of the other missing church members.

'Shit. Well, I guess this is one way to find monster HQ.' You sighed, glancing at Dean. 

'Always impressed with your dedication to the cause Rookie.' He grinned, giving you a wink and checking you were ok, before you both turned to see how the others were doing, and how the fuck you could get out of there.  
  


*

Fortunately, Sam and Jodie managed to track you via Dean's cellphone GPS. Their research and combined brainpower discovering that the monster you were hunting was Vesta, the Roman Goddess originally served by vestal virgins who like most deity's - had hit hard times in recent centuries.   
She was currently masquerading as Bonnie - the uptight Church Secretary. Being well placed to discover virgins and born again virgins, she had been taking those who had broken their vows of celibacy and chastity - draining their blood and eating their livers. It all related to some sort of purification ritual and crap that just made you roll your eyes. 

It seems Sam and Jody had quite the epic fight to the death with her, Jody getting hurt and saving Sam at the last minute, just as Dean managed to find a way through the door.

'What did I miss?' He deadpanned, looking at the destruction and what was left of Bonnie, making you chuckle as Sam rolled his eyes and moved to help push the large metal entrance to the cellar aside. You turned and motioned to the others below that it was safe to leave, helping them up the ladder, and watching as Dean led them across the room and to the stairs that led outside.

'I get you two giving in and getting kidnapped having sex somewhere, but how did Suzy end up in there with you? I thought you were just going back to her place to get some books?' asked Sam, looking confused as she walked gratefully past and thanked you all.

'Not now Sam.' You muttered under your breath, moving towards Jody.

'Hey Jody, thanks for saving our asses. Great to finally meet you in person.' You said, giving her a careful hug. 

'You too. Gee Dean wasn't exaggerating about you was he?' Mouthing 'wow' at him as she moved back from hugging you. 

'And hey - impressive.' Jody congratulated, her eyes flicking across to where Suzy was standing nearby, huddling with the others, but still giving you and Dean unmistakably appreciative looks. Damn, you should have known from what the boys had told you already that Jody wouldn't miss a trick. So much for first impressions.

'Really Sam?' Jody laughed. Her eyes glinting with amusement at his continued confusion. 'Even I recognize her and I'm not exactly a Casa Erotica regular.' 

'Wait, what? She's ...'

'Carmelita.' Grinned Dean, raising his eyebrows looking remarkably pleased with himself.

Sam looked between you and Dean. 'So you two...uh three... whoa.'

'There you go Sammy, knew you'd get there eventually.' Grinned Dean, patting Sam's chest and taking your hand, peppering your face with tiny kisses and smiling at you like he'd won the godamn lottery. 

* 

Later that night when Dean came to bed he was in a strangely somber mood. He and Sam had been up late talking, and you were mostly asleep when you felt him get into bed, surprised when he didn't take you in his arms.   
You had basically gone to sleep every night of your relationship either cuddling or touching, waking up in his arms if he came to bed after you. The strangeness of it was enough to fully wake you.

'Dean, you ok?' You asked, rolling over and placing your arm around him, his body turned away from you and facing the door. 'Did you have an argument with Sam?'

'Huh? No. Uh No. Just tired.' He replied, patting your hand, his breathing quickly moving to deep and even. It seemed silly but you felt distinctly rejected, shut out. You shook it off, he probably was just tired, after all, you'd just been kidnapped by a goddess, held hostage and had a threesome with a porn star, even for a Winchester it was kind of a big day. You smiled to yourself remembering the afternoon with Suzy, it was fun, you were surprised how little jealousy you felt watching Dean with her. You just enjoyed the pleasure, his, hers, yours - it had all blended into one. You didn't want to make a habit of it, but fuck - it was definitely a tick for the bucket list. 

* * * *

Despite saying everything was fine, Dean had definitely been avoiding you for the last couple of days since the Vesta hunt and the afternoon with Suzy. Coming to bed late, not touching you, spending hours researching, or heading into town without you. You didn't know what you had done, but he was definitely off with you, cold even. You walked into your bedroom to find him packing his duffle.

'Hey, where are you going?' You asked, confused.

He looked sheepish, caught out.

'Garth's turned up, he uh, needs my help.' He replied.

'Dean - there's so much going on right now and you're going to help out Garth? So he's back? I thought you were mad at him for going AWOL??' You didn't understand. Things felt off. Way off.

'Just for a couple of days Rookie. I just need to check it out. I'll be back before you know it.' He soothed, kissing the top of your head, the closest he'd been to you in days. 

'Is everything ok? Did I do something? Are you mad at me?' You gulped, the building fear and rejection anxiety from the last few days prompting questions to fall from your lips faster than you could sensor them.

'Is this - do want a break or something? Do you uh - not want me since... ' Your voice trailed off, stopping short of saying - since we banged a porn star.

'Whaaat? Fuck no. Baby no. You're awesome.' He exclaimed, looking shocked. 'Hey, I mean it. You are frigging everything to me. That was fun but she's got nothing on you - nothing and it didn't change anything... well except to maybe think you're even more amazing.' 

He pulled you close, kissing you softly.

'I'm sorry if I've been distracted and distant, Rookie but it isn't your fault. You haven't done anything wrong and I'll totally make it up to you when I get back alright?'

'So we're okay?' You whispered, unaware till now just how afraid you'd been.

'Fuck yes. Forever yeah?' He looked at you, reassuring you, stroking your cheek.

'Ok.' You breathed. 'Can you tell me what this is really all about?'

'Uh. Not yet baby.' He sighed, dropping his hand, packing the last of his stuff and zipping up the duffle, shutting down once again.

'Dean?' He looked up, his face softening at the fear and confusion in your expression. 

'Look, sweetheart. You know how much you mean to me right? You and Sam - I'd do anything for you. Fucking anything.' He soothed. 'There's not much I can do about some things - but this, this is a thing I can do.'

'Is this about your nightmares? Who's Zeke?' You asked gently, his head snapping up.

'No. I don't know what you're talking about.' His face quickly blank. Fear behind his eyes.

You looked at him. Knowing that was as much of an answer as you were going to get right now.

'Just be careful - please?'

'Always Rookie - look what I've got to come home to.' He smirked, relaxing his face into his trademark sexy grin, giving you a final kiss, and then he was gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to make love to you - Etta James  
> [ Spotify Playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
> [ Music Video ](https://youtu.be/RJiL5siOqqw)
> 
> [ Diet Coke ad](https://youtu.be/O1bsFn0F5vI)
> 
> GIF: Dean (Edited - orig is longer/more fun): https://whydidithavetobeclowns.tumblr.com/post/118712523056  
> Dean & Suzy: https://saucynewf.tumblr.com/post/68232025986  
> ***
> 
> So clearly some canon tweaks 😁 - but if you know this episode from season nine then you probably remember the conversation at the end with Sam/Gadreel where Dean realizes he's lost control of the situation. I've used it as final push that causes Dean to spiral/do something drastic to take back some sort of control ...  
> Beware the next few chapters are coming... and they're angsty. Thanks for reading. Thoughts and comments are always awesome 😘


	6. Africa

[ **AFRICA** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) _  
  
**I seek to cure what's deep inside,** _

_**frightened of this thing that I've become...** _

_**It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you** _

_**There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do…** _

**TOTO**

Dean had been gone a few days, he’d called and sent you regular texts at first but they had dropped off and you were worried.

Something was wrong. You felt it. It had been prickling up and down your spine since the day he left, turning into a gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach.

‘Sam?’ He looked up as you walked into the library. ‘Have you spoken to Dean recently?’

‘Not for a day or two. Why?’ He asked.

‘Somethings wrong. He’s not responding to my texts, but it’s more than that Sam – he’s off. I can’t tell you it’s anything more than intuition, but I’m really scared. What the fuck is this hunt he’s on? Really? And don’t give me the Garth bullshit he gave me.’

You could see by the look in Sam’s eyes that you had hit a nerve.

‘Look – let me try giving him a call. I’m sure everything’s fine. Sometimes when he gets deep in a hunt, he blocks everything else out.’ 

You looked at Sam, disbelieving, but wanting to believe him. Not surprised when Dean’s phone went to voicemail. Sam left him a message and you left the room. The gnawing feeling in your stomach worse than ever.

Sometime later you heard Sam talking in the kitchen, you rushed down the corridor but stopped before entering, listening quietly.  
  
‘Dean – what’s going on? I thought you were just going to investigate some leads.’

You held your breath, unable to hear the other side of the conversation, but you knew Sam well enough to know he was worried and agitated.

‘Dean don’t do anything stupid.’ … ‘So call the cops.’ … ‘Dean it's their job to handle this stuff – this is not in our wheelhouse. This is not why we got that information for you.’ … ‘Dean it’s not that simple ... you’re completely biased.’ …’Dean – you need to take a step back before you go dark with this and you know it.’ … ‘I’m coming out there.' ... 'She's worried out of her mind. No - I haven't said anything. I promised I wouldn't didn't I? Look. Don’t do anything stupid. Promise me, Dean. I’ll be there tomorrow.’ 

He hung up with a sigh, jumping as you walked into the kitchen.

‘Sam?’ 

‘He’s ok. I just need to go get him. He gets a bit… obsessed sometimes.’ Sam said reassuringly.

‘Sam, I know he’s your brother and you have literal death pacts between you, but I’m scared as fuck. What's this about? Can’t you tell me the truth? What’s going on? Please?’ You pleaded as he shook his head sadly.

‘I’ll bring him home safe. I promise.’ He said, giving you a hug and kissing the top of your head.  
  


* * * *

  
Sometime in the early hours of the morning, Dean finally answered his phone. He sounded tired and way off normal, but he seemed to be trying to keep up the pretense.

‘Hey, what are you wearing?’ He asked as he answered the phone. ‘I’m missing my beautiful girl.’  
  
‘Dean please…’ You said, your voice breaking. ‘Please tell me what’s going on. I’m so fucking worried.’

‘Hey, I’m fine. Everything is fine baby, please don’t be upset.’

‘Dean – every instinct I have is screaming at me that everything is not fine. I know you’re lying to me, that you’ve been keeping something from me for a while, but I don’t know what or why and it’s killing me. It’s killing us. Stop whatever you’re doing. Come home. Talk to me. Please.’

‘Rookie – I ….’ His voice breaking also, like he couldn’t do this anymore. Lie to you anymore. ‘Its too late to stop it. And telling you won’t help baby. It might make it worse. It's already fucking bad enough.’ He croaked.

‘Fuck Dean, you’re scaring the crap out of me.’ You pleaded. ‘Please. Whatever it is, let's talk about it. Why won't you tell me what's going on? Don’t do this to me. To us. I can’t lose you. I can’t lose us.’ Your throat dry with fear.

He was silent. Your labored breathing the only sound on the line for several heartbeats.

‘I need some time. I need to figure this out. I’m sorry I lied to you, but please – don’t give up on us? Please don’t give up on me? Ok?’

‘Dean. I..’ You literally didn’t know what to say. The last thing you wanted to do was give up, but you were sinking and he was giving you nothing.

‘Hey, Rookie?’ He rasped, his voice low and strained. ‘…I love you.’

‘I love you too Dean.’ You replied, holding your phone long after he had hung up, shaking and more frightened than ever.  
You had felt it, implied it, used it in context of being in love and loving, you both knew you loved each other – but that was the first time either of you had said those three words directly.  
And now they sounded like goodbye.

You stood up, your heart in your mouth. You couldn’t ask Sam – it was already obvious shit ran too deep between him and Dean to hope that he’d tell you what was going on, even if he didn’t agree with it. Besides, you knew he was on his way to find Dean – you just had to hope that whatever plan he had in mind would help.   
You picked up your phone again.

‘Hey, Dude. What’s up?’ She said, answering the phone in her usual cheerful way.

‘Charlie, I need you to tell me what Dean’s doing - do you know?’ You didn’t even pause. And you weren’t surprised by the silence on the other end of the phone.

‘Uh, doing?’ She bluffed – badly.

‘He’s gone to some dark place, Charlie. He’s out there somewhere. He won’t talk to me. He won’t tell me what’s going on. Or what he’s doing. Sam is worried enough that he’s gone to find him, but no one will tell me why or what’s happening and I know you've been emailing him a lot lately. I've seen the notifications come up on his phone.' You took a breath, her silence deafening. 

'He's been stealth shady about letting me see what he's looking at on his laptop on and off for weeks... What's he doing Charlie?’

Still silence on the end of the line.

‘Please Charlie. Please tell me what it is.’ You begged. Hoping she at least, couldn’t lie to you.

‘Dude. I can’t. I love you but I promised Dean.’ You could hear her squirming. Knowing it was physically hurting her to keep this secret. You wanted to respect that, you should. But you couldn’t handle this awful hurt. Being shut out.

‘Charlie, please. I can’t stand it. I feel like I’m suffocating. This horrible feeling of being lied to and betrayed. I feel like my heart is breaking, and you and Sam are helping him break it. Fuck. You guys are all I have, all of you and you’re all lying to me. I don’t know what to do.’ Your voice broke and you sobbed. You generally didn’t cry if you could help it, but this was tearing you apart.

‘Shit. Shit. Shit.’ You could hear her muttering down the phone. ‘Damn you, Dean Winchester.’ 

You waited, trying to cry quietly. No idea what she was going to do. You knew how loyal she was to Dean, what they meant to each other. 

‘We are not trying to hurt you or break your heart – I promise.’ She finally whispered. You could hear she was on the verge of tears too. 

‘Then tell me. What is it?’ You sobbed, your throat feeling raw.

‘I just… Rookie, he loves you so much. This is all because he loves you so godamn much.’ Her voice catching as she held back her own tears. ‘Because he has to protect everyone, and can’t handle people he loves being hurt. It eats him up inside. This voice – probably his father’s – tells him he has to fix it. Do something about it. Get justice. Stop others being hurt. It eats at him and eats at him until he breaks – until he goes and does something stupid…’ Her voice trailed off.

‘Oh my God.' Your body went cold, all the pieces suddenly clicking together. 'It's my... my stepfather and the foster families isn't it?’ You asked in horror. ‘That morning - after the Tulsa hunt in the motel room, after I had a panic attack during sex the night before... ’   
  
You remembered the guilty looks and muted greetings from Charlie and Sam, the way he hustled you out the room and couldn’t tell you what he was working on.   
‘He was asking you to hack into restricted government agency files, wasn’t he? Asking you and Sam to track them down for him… so he could… fuck Charlie – what’s he done?’ You were shaking. Sure they were monsters, but they were humans. And he could go to prison for killing them. And fuck.

‘I don’t want this Charlie. He can’t do this because of me. I mean I hate the fuckers – they nearly ruined me, but shit, I don’t want their deaths on my conscience.’

‘Dude, it would be on them and Dean – not you… if it’s even gone that far.’ She whispered.

‘Do you think there’s any chance it hasn’t?’ You asked. You both knew Dean. ‘He said telling me would make it worse – that it was bad enough already. And you didn’t see him that night Charlie – he…’ You felt your knees give way and sat down on the bed.

‘You must have known Charlie. What did you think he would do?’ 

‘Dude. He’s pretty persuasive. He said he just wanted the information, to make sure that they weren’t hurting more kids…’ she paused. ‘...look maybe he's just torturing them a little - to be sure they never hurt another kid... Though he did learn to torture people in hell... So that can't be good either. Ok, I'm going to stop talking now.'

Your breath caught. In all these years you hadn’t thought about there being other kids. How could you have been so stupid.   
You were convinced when you were younger that those things had happened to you, because of you – because there was something defective and wrong with you that only predators could see.   
It never occurred to you that you were one of many.   
That your silence and unwillingness to pursue it in court meant that other children suffered. So many thoughts and information suddenly crowding your brain, you could feel your defense mechanisms kicking in and your mind shutting down to protect you.

‘Fuck. What do I do now Charlie?’ You whispered, curling into a ball. 'I don’t know what to do.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AFRICA - Toto  
> [ Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
> [ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTQbiNvZqaY)


	7. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note: References to past abuse - nothing graphic. Hopefully no triggers for y'all

[ **GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
  


_**Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones  
** _  
_**...And girls, they wanna have fun** _  
_**  
Oh girls just want to have fun** _

**  
CYNDI LAUPER**

Your phone rang, startling you out of a sleep you didn't remember falling into. You looked around your room disorientated, reality crashing in as you reached for the phone, your heart stopping when you saw the caller id.

'Sam?' You choked out. Terror racing up and down your spine. Why wasn't Dean calling? What the fuck had happened... Was Dean ok? Alive? Fuck. You couldn't breathe as you waited for him to respond.

'I'm with him - I've got him.' Said Sam. 'He's ok - he's asleep now. I'm going to bring him back as soon as...' His voice faltered slightly. 'As soon as I can.' He finished.

'I know Sam.' Your voice flat as you allowed oxygen back in your lungs, relief washing over you. 'Charlie told me.' You gulped, taking in more air. 'What has he done? What did he do to my stepfather? To the others?'

There was silence down the phone. 

'I don't know all the details yet.' replied Sam carefully. 'I'm still working out what happened - and what needs to happen next.'

'I'm coming out there.' You said, deciding as you said it. Relieved to have a plan. Focus the anxiety that had been building for days.

Sam sighed. 

'I really don't think that's the best idea. Things are ... messy here, and neither of us wants this to drag you back to a bad place - emotionally or physically. I really think its better for you to stay there right now.'

'This isn't a random hunt.' You replied through gritted teeth. 'It's my godamn life, Sam. My fucked up past that was supposed to stay in the past, until my godamn fucked up boyfriend brought it all into the friggin present. And his godamn fucked up brother who is supposed to be my best friend, didn't manage to stop him making this mother of all fuck ups, nor did he manage to warn me about the fucked-upness that was coming.'

You exhaled, aware you were mostly venting on the wrong person but unable to stop it.

'... And now I'm thinking it's my fault that those pedophile monsters are likely tortured, dead, in several pieces or all of the above - and I don't even know why I don't want to be responsible for that - but I godamn don't. I don't want any of this, but here we fucking are. So yeah I'm coming out there, and you tell that godamn brother of yours I want the truth. All of it, when I get there. No more lies or there will be no more us.'

You finished your rant and waited for a response.

'Sam?'

'Yeah. sorry. Sorry. I just forget what a badass you are sometimes.' He chuckled.

'Don't think the Winchester charm will work for this one Sam.' You muttered, unable to help a small smile. It was nice that at least someone was buying your badass act - you certainly weren't. You felt like you were coming apart at the seams, unraveling slowly. Every piece and thread was being pulled at from the echos of a place you weren't interested in returning to, but now had no choice.

'I'll be there tomorrow - tell Dean I'll send him the details of where I'll be staying.' You exhaled. 'And you Sam - You do your friggin best to help him figure which is the stupid stuff he's likely to say that will make it worse, and make sure he doesn't say that.'

'Yes ma'am. Already on it.' He replied, trying to keep the mood lighter, soothe you in whatever small way he could. 'But I will also tell you this.' His voice softening. 

'We both care for you a lot - and you need to remember that. I'm sorry I couldn't warn you about all of this - I really didn't think it would go this far, I know I should have known - that it seems pretty obvious now, but I really thought he was more level headed these days. I underestimated how deep his feelings for you are - how much they clouded his judgment with this. I promise you - in his own fucked up way, this really was something Dean wanted to do to help you, to protect and look after you, because he loves you. We both do - and I'm so sorry that its come to this. You have changed both our lives for the better, you don't just make Dean happy - I love having you as a best friend. You're smart and funny and kind... and just the last fucking person this shit should ever have happened to.' 

He cleared his throat. 'I guess I let him go because I hoped it would help - that he/we could find a way to make some of the awful things that happened to you... a little better somehow.'   
  
You could almost hear him shrug as he finished, leaving you slightly speechless. The silence stretching between you as you easily imagined the look on his face right now.

'God, I can feel your pathetic puppy dog eyes over the phone.' You complained, sniffing slightly as a tear slipped down your cheek. 'We're not fine yet Sam Winchester - but that very pretty and fairly touching speech may have bought you a little leeway... but only a little.' You warned, silently smiling along with him as he gently laughed.

'Ok - I won't let it go to my head then.' He replied. 'You gonna be okay?'

'Honestly? I don't know. I don't know what I'm walking into. I don't know what this is going to bring up for me, but all of that I can probably handle - I've handled it before right? But Dean and I ... Fuck - there is so much to unpack - the lies, deception, whatever he's done... I don't know...' Your voice trailed off, unsure how to finish the sentence.

'Do you think you can forgive him?' He asked quietly. 

'That Sam - is the wrong question at the wrong time.' 

'Ok. Fair enough. I'll uh - let you get some more sleep.' He said softly, getting ready to hang up.

'Sam?' You stopped him, your voice dropping to a whisper. 'I'm uh... I'm really scared I won't be able to...'

'I know. Me too.' He murmured. 

* * * *

You felt your stomach clench as the plane landed. You hadn’t been back here since Suze’s parents' funeral, your final year of college. After their car accident, the two of you had cleared out the family home and sold it. Neither of you having any desire to live there or visit this place once her parents were gone. You had figured you’d might come back one day for some reason, you'd never thought you would return like this.

You picked up a rental car and headed out of the airport, driving slowly. The desperation to see Dean, giving way to anxiety and apprehension. Bad as this limbo was, it meant you didn’t have to make decisions. Know facts. Face whatever it was that he had done and have feelings about it.   
The feelings you were having just being back here were bad enough. As soon you as you left the airport behind and turned off the freeway your mind began to assault you with memories and flashbacks.   
You drove in a fugue of thoughts, not realizing where they had led you until you found yourself on your old street, outside the house you lived in with your mother and stepfather, horrified when you stopped the car and looked up at the second-story window that used to be your bedroom.

‘No, no, no.’ You heard yourself say. Shaking with emotion. ‘I don’t want to fucking be here. I fucking hate this place.’ Your body erupting into goosebumps as you went cold, unable to think fast enough to push the memories and overwhelm away.

> _‘Come on princess – lie down next to me, be a good girl for Daddy. You know how much you like making Daddy happy. How happy you make him when you touch him. You don’t want to make Daddy sad do you?’  
>  _ _Y_ _ou shook your head, your nine year old body trembling. You looked over at your teddy bear Humphrey lying next to you. This wasn’t for teddy bears to watch you thought, tears streaming down your cheeks, too afraid to reach out and turn him around. Humphrey was your only friend right now, but he shouldn’t see this – it would upset him and you didn’t want to make him sad or let him down either. You couldn’t let anyone be sad. It was your job to keep them happy. Humphrey, Mommy, Daddy. They needed you to be a big girl. To do as you were told and not cry like a little baby. ‘I’m sorry Humphrey.’ You whispered in your head. ‘I’m sorry for making you sad.’_

  
‘Fuck you mother fucker.’ You sobbed as you found yourself back in the car, your heart pounding. Your breath coming in rasps as you tried to find something to anchor you, bring you back to the present.  
  
Picking up your phone, your hands were shaking as you looked at the picture of you and Dean you used as your wallpaper.   
It was taken by Sam, the two of you stood together in front of the impala. The sun was setting behind you, setting off crazy beams of orange, yellow and golden light, Dean’s arms wrapped around your waist as he looked down at you, your noses touching as you smiled at each other - only your silhouetted profiles visible. It looked posed, like some cheesy romantic set up, especially with Baby in the background. But neither of you had known Sam had snapped the picture, too caught up in each other to notice. You zoomed in, remembering how good it felt inside that picture. How warm it was that day...

  
How Dean’s eyes sparked and changed color with the light, warm amber flecks dancing through the usual green, his skin honey and golden, his voice low and sexy as he told you how beautiful you were in this light, switching quickly from corny to heartfelt, then back to lighthearted and teasing, telling you that it was a shame you didn’t look this good all the time, before sealing it all with a fucking kiss that took your breath away and made you wonder how his kisses could still have such an effect on you, given you kissed the godamn man several times a day, every day. 

You flicked to the photos stored on your phone, feeling your heartbeat calming. Dean was a tenuous choice given he was the reason you were back here reliving this shit in the first place - but his smile, the way he looked at you in each picture... the hot as fuck - and sometimes silly, naked pictures he sent you on a regular basis, the selfies you’d taken together, the shots with Sam, Cass, Kevin, Charlie, and Arianne… they reassured you. Grounded you. Brought you back to the new life you’d built over the past few months. The happiness you’d experienced with Dean. This was your reality now. The other stuff was from several lifetimes ago. 

‘Let it go.’ You said to yourself aloud. ‘You’re loved. You’re okay. He can’t hurt you anymore.’   
You breathed in and out, your chest relaxing slowly. You closed your eyes, intending to open them and start the car, but suddenly your Mother was there. Dancing to Cindy Lauper in her underwear on the front porch.

> _‘Come inside Mom. It’s cold. People will see.’ You pleaded, glad it was dark early in the winter. Knowing it was your job to stop her from doing things like this. You were only eight, but you knew the drill._
> 
> _‘I just wanna have fun baby girl. Come on – dance with me… girls just wanna have fuu-un. Woo hoo… they just wanna..’_
> 
> _It was freezing, but whatever she had been drinking had warmed her up nicely, because she was feeling no pain as she jumped and danced across the porch in her bra and panties. Right up until the point when she slipped and hit her head, sending her tumbling to the ground, blood pouring from a cut just below her hairline.  
>  ‘Mommy – please wake up.’ You pleaded, dragging her by the arm through the front door. She wasn’t a big woman by any means, but you were not exactly a big eight year old either, and it took all your strength to finally get her inside. You ran and got a towel and a blanket, wiping away the blood and holding it against her head, draping the blanket over her to warm her up. These were the times that scared you the most, she’d be angry if you called an ambulance and people found out, but what if she was really badly hurt and needed one? You looked over at Humphrey who was laying on the floor in the hallway where you’d dropped him earlier in a panic, realizing she was outside with no clothes on.  
>  ‘What do I do Humphrey?’ You asked him, your voice high pitched with fear, wondering if he’d call an ambulance for his Mommy or wait for her to wake up. You wondered if Teddy Bear Mommies drank like this too.   
>  ‘Sssh baby. Why are you shouting?’ Your mother groaned, causing you to hiccup a sob and swallow it back down, she didn't like it when you cried. Relief flooded through you as she tried to sit up, moaning about her head hurting. She was going to be okay. Everything was okay again.  
>  ‘Thanks Humphrey.’ You whispered, knowing somehow he’d helped. He was your best friend, he always helped. _

  
You raised your head from the steering wheel. No idea how long you’d been parked there but desperate to get out, get away.   
You started the car, your eyes still blurry with tears. You headed to a hotel you knew downtown. A nice one.   
There was no way you were going to deal with whatever it was that Dean had done in some seedy shit hole. You were fine when it was a hunt, the need for discretion, and the ability to move things from the room to the car easily and without having to go through a lobby or car park full of cameras made sense, but this wasn’t that. This was Dean and you. He wanted to explain. Apologize. Fix things. So, he could do it at a place of your choosing.  
You took a breath and prayed there would be no more flashbacks on the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song ref: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun  
> [ Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
> [ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A)
> 
> ***  
> Hope this didn't trigger anyone, tried to keep it relative without being too graphic... tissues may be required going forward...


	8. Romeo & Juliet

[ **ROMEO AND JULIET** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) _  
  
**  
I can't do the talks  
  
like they talk on TV,  
** _  
_**And I can't do a love song  
  
like the way it's meant to be...  
** _  
_  
**I can't do everything - but I'll do anything for you,  
** _  
_**I can't do anything except be in love with you  
** _

**  
DIRE STRAITS**

You checked in and sent him the room details, ordering a bottle of Laphroaig and drinking half the mini-bar while you waited for him. An hour later you heard a knock at the door. Your stomach dropped, clenching with nerves. You took a deep breath and opened the door, each of you simply staring at the other for milliseconds that felt like hours. Then you were in his arms, clinging to him as he pulled you closer.

‘Fuck I missed you baby.’ His voice tight as he kissed the top of your head, smelling your hair, breathing you in. You said nothing, listening to the rumble in his chest as he spoke, feeling his ribs expand with each breath, the wall of muscle around you…safe. Home.

Finally, he relaxed his grip and you stepped back, your eyes searching his. Fear, regret, longing, sadness… Love. It was all there in those beautiful green eyes, so strong that you had to look away. 

‘Hotel and one of the best suites at that, huh Rookie?’ He asked, eyebrow raised as you merely shrugged and moved out of the doorway so he could come in. You noticed he looked slightly uncomfortable and it was not something you were used to seeing. Generally, Dean adapted and was relaxed anywhere and you got the impression it wasn’t just the situation, but the hotel room itself that was disconcerting to him. You were sure he knew you had money, but then you'd never really discussed it. It’s not like your lifestyle with the boys afforded you many opportunities to splash the cash. You contributed regularly and offered money whenever possible, but they never really took you up on anything other than paying for the supply runs you went on, fuel for Baby sometimes, or paying for the odd motel. It occurred to you that maybe Dean didn’t actually understand just how financially comfortable you were. 

‘Drink?’ You asked, pouring him a whiskey and handing it to him.

He took it gratefully, barely pausing as he slammed it back, placing the empty glass down with a sigh.

‘So.’ You said, refilling his empty glass and taking your own with you to the sofa, tucking your legs underneath you and suddenly wishing Humphrey was here. Fuck, you’re wishing for your childhood teddy bear, this is going great already. You pulled a cushion towards you instead and held it to your chest, taking a deep breath. ‘Tell me.’

He looked over at you, wincing at your posture. Your pinched expression and the tightness around your eyes telling him you were already experiencing flashbacks and memories you’d spent years avoiding. Taking in the dark circles that told him you hadn’t slept well in days, the tightness in your neck and jaw that spoke to your fear, the way you were clutching the cushion as if it could mitigate it, offer you some protection against the words he was about to share with you and the damage they may cause. The sad and wary look that was sizing him up, trying to discern how damaged he was, how damaged your relationship was.  
  
He saw it all, took it all in, and then he crumbled. His facade falling, his face etched with pain and sorrow, his emotions tumbling to the surface as he fought to get them under control. 

You knew he had trouble holding back from you. The rest of the world, even Sam to a degree – he could push it down, keep his shit together. Be the tough guy that everyone needed.   
But with you, with you he lost it. With you, the walls were all but gone. You had given him a safe space to be himself, love him no matter how ugly the thoughts, and his battle-weary brain had taken full advantage.   
  
You realized with a pang it was why he had been so distant and cold the couple of days before he left, unable to be around you because you would have guessed, broken him down. With you, it took supreme effort to not let you see everything, all of it. All of the pain and fire that was looping in his head. But this time he had to. Because this was about you, protecting you, and you could see his determination not to dump his emotions on you as best he could. He pulled himself back together, pacing in front of you fists clenched. Clearly unsure where to begin. You took a breath. 

‘Where is my stepfather?’ You asked softly, your heart jumping as he glanced up at you sharply, green eyes full of fear. ‘Is he still alive Dean?’

He stared down at his feet, slowly shaking his head.

'Fuck.' You exhaled. You'd still been hoping that maybe he was just badly hurt, tortured, in pieces... just not dead. Anything but dead. 'Did you test him?' 

'What?' he looked up at you, his face reflecting his confusion and fear.

'To see if he was a demon or a shapeshifter? Did you test him?' You demanded, your voice unnaturally calm. Cloaking the storm of emotions steadily building inside you.

'Baby he was human. Just human.' His voice barely audible.

'I want to see him. Where is he?' Your heart thudding in your chest, your mind trying to comprehend why you felt like everything was spinning out of control. 

'He... Uh. We burned him. Last night.'

'What? So he was human but you burnt him and buried him in a pit like some standard frigging monster?' The illusion of calm disappearing as rage exploded within you, the ferocity of it overwhelming, making your heart-pound. 

'What about his family? What about me?' You yelled, feeling powerless and furious that he would do all of this behind your back. 'You had no fucking right to do that Dean.' 

Dean flinched at your words, but remained silent as you stared at him.

'Fucking fuck. Godamnit.' You snapped, throwing your glass across the room at the wall. Blood rushing in your ears and your body shaking as you put your head in your hands, covering your face. Years of suppressed terror and anger bubbling to the surface, shifting within you, and making you lose all reason at an alarming pace. Dean watched you, his mouth opening and closing as he chose his words carefully.

'Baby he definitely _was_ a monster, just the human kind.' He said quietly, watching you with haunted eyes. 

'It's not that simple Dean.' You snarled, your hands coming down into fists, resisting the urge to fly across the room and start hitting him, lashing out, release the surges of venom racing through you.

'You can't just kill him for no reason. He was my Dad for a long time. Yes, I fucking hate him for what he did, but there's a little girl in me that just wanted her Daddy to be happy. That if she could she just be a good enough girl, if I could be enough, do enough, be a proper daughter - then he and my Mom would be all better... On some level, I needed to believe that they could be all better. That he wasn't really a fucking monster - that he was just a good man who couldn't stop himself. Just like my Mom with her drinking. That's how I let it go. That's how I got the fuck through it.' Snapping your head up to glare at him.   
  
'You don't just go around killing good men who couldn't help themselves. If my Mom and me hadn't been so difficult and hard to handle... then maybe...' You floundered with finishing the sentence. 

‘No. no. no. You did nothing wrong.' He yelled pointing at you. 'He. He… He was fucking entrusted to look after you baby, and he... You were nine – I couldn’t just let that shit go.’ He growled.

His own fists clenching and unclenching as he paced in front of you. 

‘I kept thinking, ‘how many other little girls has he destroyed? What if he tries to call you or get in touch with you again? It was like a loop in my brain. I had to track him down, find the fucker for myself. Try and make sure you were really safe from him.’ He gulped, rubbing a hand over his eyes.  
‘So I found him. Followed him. When I saw him with this little girl and she called him Grandpop - I just fucking lost it. I couldn’t help myself.’

‘What did you do?’ You asked, your voice quiet, your chest tight. 

You looked at him silently. Unsure what you wanted to hear. Whether you wanted to hear it. Unsure why you were finally sat in a room with this man you loved, and all you wanted to do was run until your lungs bled.

He glanced away, his jaw so rigidly clenched you expected to hear teeth crack.

‘I took him. I tied him up in a warehouse … and I - I questioned him.’ 

You snorted at that. You could only imagine Dean’s ‘questioning’.

‘And did he even admit to anything?’

‘He did.’ Dean’s voice was low. ‘You weren’t the only one baby. There were two others, but not his granddaughter, he hadn’t touched her… yet. He even frigging said that you know – like he should get some sort of fucking medal. But it was the way he said ‘yet’. The way he reacted when I said your name – he fucking grinned at me, _grinned_ at me. Like we were in the same fucking club. Like the experiences you have as a grown woman with me, are the same as the messed up sick shit he fucking did to you when you were a kid.’ His breath came out as a growl. ‘I couldn’t help it. I started punching him and I couldn’t stop…’

He looked down at his hands.

‘All I could think about was how much he’d hurt you. How fucking young you were. How he… I’m so sorry baby, I couldn’t fucking stop.’

Tears were pouring down his face, his shoulders shaking as he turned to look up at you.

‘I know you didn’t want this, I didn’t mean to do this to you. Bring it all back. Make you come here and fucking re-live it. Deal with this fucker and the memories again. I wanted to take care of it – take care of you, make sure you were safe, and never have you know.' 

He took a breath, glancing away, and wiping his face. Swallowing hard before locking his eyes with your once again.

'I tried for months to leave it alone, but when you had that nightmare, watching you shaking, thinking he might have been a demon... it set me off. I couldn’t sleep at night knowing he was out there. Free. I had to do something. After all the things he’d done to you....' 

His eyes glistening with tears as he looked down at the floor.  
  
'I know it was selfish and more about me than you. I can see that now. I fucked up completely Rookie but Please? Don’t hate me? I swear the last fucking thing I wanted to do was hurt you more.’ He swallowed hard, looking so lost that part of you just wanted to give him a hug. But another part was repelled, reeling at the thought of what he'd done.

'Please baby. I'm so sorry for dragging you back here. I just wanted a win, to make things okay. I thought this was the one thing I could do to help... I know it was wrong. So fucking wrong, but I got obsessed with finding him, keeping you safe, and I - I couldn't stop.' He shook his head sadly, trying to mitigate and soothe the hurt that was bewildering you, shaking you to your core. Begging you to understand.

  


  
‘Dean.’ You breathed, not quite taking it in. He’d killed your stepfather. He had beaten him to death with his bare fists. Because he loved you. Because that’s what monster killers do. This monster killer was in love with you, and you’d been harmed by a monster. So he killed him.   
  
You could literally feel the cogs of your brain clicking into place. Understanding, comprehending. This is who he is. You’d chosen not to look at this side of Dean, or to only see it heroically. But he was a killer. And killing things that threaten his sense of world order will always be second nature to him. Killing things that hurt or harm his loved ones is always going to be at the top of his to-do list.   
What you had to decide now…. Now that you were really seeing what that meant, now that you knew how it played out in real life, what it looked like from another side… What you had to decide is whether it was something you were willing to accept. To live with. Because if you couldn’t, if it gave you pause, then you shouldn’t be hunting. And you couldn’t be with Dean anymore.

He came down onto his knees in front of you, staring up at you, his green eyes wide and wet with tears. You could see the absolute fear in them. He was terrified. The fear of losing you outweighed any monster he’d ever faced – including hell hounds, Alastair, and Lucifer himself. 

Was this who you were now? You and this man you loved, kneeling before you? You didn't just kill monsters but humans too - your stepfather was dead now because of you. And suddenly you couldn't remember the bad things, lost in memories as all of the good things he did, the times he was nice to you, loving like a proper Dad, taking you to school, teaching you to ride a bike, building a swing set and cubby house... wincing as years of your childhood flashed before your eyes. Disorientating you. Making you nauseated.

'Baby please.' Dean whispered tentatively stroking your thigh. 

Your skin crawled at his touch and you jumped away from him, staring at his hands as the bile in your stomach rose, causing you to run to the bathroom, vomiting, and retching. Heaving until there was nothing left. Not even noticing Dean holding your hair, rubbing your back, wiping your face with a damp towel, until he began stroking the side of your face and you suddenly realized what he was doing.

'Stop it.' You screamed at him, shaking and instinctively pushing him away. 'Stop touching me. I don't want ...your...those hands touching me.'

'Okay.' He dropped his hands immediately, his voice small. 'Let me get you some water.'

'I can get my own fucking water. Just go.' You gasped, not even sure of what you were saying, but you couldn't breathe with him in the room. You couldn't think. Couldn't see anything but your stepfather being beaten to a pulp by Dean. Your Dean. Your beautiful Dean who was your hero, who kept you safe. Why didn't this feel like keeping you safe? He'd done this for you - but this made you feel more scared and afraid than you could remember being in years. Now your hero was the monster with Daddy killing hands and everything was upside down.

'I don't want to leave you on your own like this Rookie.' He said, his voice breaking as he gave you space. 'I can't.' 

'Its a bit fucking late to be thinking about my feelings now isn't it?' Your voice shaking as you tried to get up, using the bathroom sink for leverage because your legs were too wobbly.

'I...' He said, staring at you forlornly. Watching miserably as you rinsed your mouth and brushed your teeth, trying not to gag on your toothbrush.

You walked back into the living area of the hotel suite, if only not to be in such an enclosed space with him. You sat back on the sofa, not acknowledging the glass of water he placed beside you as he sat across from you. The air heavy with labored breathing as each of you tried to deal with your emotions. It was too much, you needed him to leave.

'Please, just go. I can't have you here right now - you have to go.' You pleaded, rubbing your hand over your forehead, unable to meet his eyes. The weight of them on you unbearable. Wanting too much from you. Things your swirling mind and pounding heart wouldn't allow.

He got up heavily, silent sobs racking his large frame. Wiping tears that streamed down his face.

'Rookie, I've never loved anyone the way I love you.' He rumbled, broken. 

'I was doing what I thought was right and clearly - I have no fucking clue what that is. I cannot tell you how sorry I am. How much I wish I could take back all this pain I'm causing you. I guess that Olivia/Alternatha bitch was right - our family lineage, we're poison, we destroy the ones we love, because we just don't know how or what it means to love someone right. I should have stuck with my instincts and never started this relationship. I should have known that I would fuck it up. I'm so sorry baby.' 

His voice cracked and he reached out to touch you goodbye, pulling away at the last second when you flinched and he remembered, staring with regret down at his hands. 

He gulped, taking a deep breath. 

'If you ever need anything, anything at all - please know I will always come.' He chuffed a sad laugh. 'Or I'll send Sam, you probably should have gone for him in the first place. He's much better at this shit.'

Your heart broke as you listened to him, staring at the cushion beside you, unable to make yourself talk. Stop him. Stop this. Surely you didn't want this? This was your everything, wasn't it? He was your destiny? But all you could see was his bloody hands as he beat your stepfather to a pulp... Your godamn monster rapist stepfather you tried to remind yourself as you heard Dean walk across the room, stopping just before he got to the door. 

'Why?' He asked, not turning to look at you. 'I get everything else and what I've done wrong. But why are you so upset about someone who hurt you so badly? Who was supposed to look after you - not take everything away from you?' 

'I don't know - I truly don't. I'm trying to figure it out. But isn't that what you've just done?' You replied, your heart aching as his shoulders slumped. 

'How did you become the monster, Dean? You're my hero. But I can't be around you right now, it's physically making my skin crawl and I can't stop it. I can't explain any of this. I'm so fucking lost, I don't know which way is up.' You gasped, struggling for breath.   
  
'I don't even know why what you've done scares me so much, I get it that this - you stopping him was supposed to make me feel safe, but it doesn't. I'm terrified. I - I can't even cry because I don't even know which thing to cry about. I'm... I just...'   
  
You rocked bad forth on the sofa, your mouth opening and closing, but you had no more words.   
  


He stood in the shadows near the door, lifting his head as if to turn back to look at you but stopped. Steeling himself he turned the handle, opened the door, and left. Unable to say anything further, unsure what else he could say. Knowing it was too late anyway.  
  


You sat frozen, the words the two of you had exchanged repeating and colliding around your head, crashing into one another, making no sense... Until they did. Until you understood. Until you realized what had just happened. What you had said and done.

The tears came then. Convulsing sobs that threw you to the floor. Your heart in a million pieces as you realized there was no coming back from this. No apology that could mend it. There was a chasm between the two of you, and your last words to him burnt any hopes of building a bridge to cross it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Romeo & Juliet - Dire Straits **(awesome song and great vid)****
> 
> ****[ Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)   
>  [ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rC95MEenIxA) ** **
> 
> ********
> 
> ********
> 
> GIF: DEAN WINCHESTER CRYING GIF TUMBLR ****
> 
> ********


	9. Slave to Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still got some work to do on next few chapters, but I know that I've been looking for updates on stories I'm following the last few days as form of distraction from this global pandemic shit storm and been sad when nothing popped up. So decided to post this for those of you looking for same. Enjoy x

[ **SLAVE TO LOVE** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
  


_**Tell her I'll be waiting  
  
In the usual place  
  
With the tired and weary  
  
There's no escape  
** _

_**  
To need a woman  
  
You've got to know  
  
How the strong get weak  
  
And the rich get poor** _

**  
BRYAN FERRY**

You were still on the floor when Sam arrived. Only you were near the end of the bottle of Laphroaig, stinking of whiskey, and not exactly coherent. You'd also tripped and hit your head at some point and there was quite a bit of blood everywhere.

You had no idea how he got in through the supposedly secure keycard door - Winchester brother magic no doubt, but suddenly he was there and lifting you up, calling your name and sounding panicked.

'What happened?' Are you ok?' He exclaimed, laying you on the sofa and checking you over.

'Dean happened.' You moaned.

'What? He did this?' Sam stopped in shock, indicating the blood that was drying down your face and across your dress.

'Huh? No that was me.' You slurred. 'Tripped. Stupid. So stupid. I mean we're both stupid - but your brother? He's a godamn dumbass.' 

Sam sighed.

'This cut doesn't seem too bad, no stitches needed, but we do need to get you cleaned up.'

'S'okay. Everything is fine, just fucking fine.' You muttered. 'I mean your brother killed my stepfather... He called him a monster - and he's not wrong but I can't seem to..' You threw your arms wide in exasperation, '.. understand that little fact. I was horrible Sam. Said mean things. Let him leave and now I don't have a stepfather or a boyfriend anymore. But it's fine. It's my fault anyways.' You hiccuped a sob.

'Shower first. Then we'll sort out the rest.' said Sam, lifting you easily and carrying you to the bathroom, putting you down next to the sink and turning the shower on.

'Think you can manage?' He asked.

'Yep.' You said authoritatively, just as you began to woozily slide to the floor.

'Okaay.' He said, catching you before your head bounced off the tiles. 'I gotcha. Guess it's a team shower then.' 

He sat you down and pulled off his shirts, wearing only his jeans as he walked into the bedroom to drop his phone on the relative safety of the nightstand. You watched as he came back towards the bathroom, staring at you and wringing his hands apprehensively, clearly wondering what you were wearing underneath your blood-soaked dress. 

'S'fine. You can see me naked Sam - I don't mind. It's only fair really.' You giggled, thinking of your first few weeks in the bunker, when you and Dean were caught up in sex games that somehow had included you peeping on Sam in the shower.  
  
Of course, Sam didn't know that, and looked at you confused. 

'Uh, let's try and work around that shall we?' He suggested, clearing his throat and getting rid of his jeans, leaving his boxers on. 

'Okay,' You shrugged. Your face falling at the memories of Dean. The thought of him like stabbing knives in your heart. 

Sam lifted your blood-stained dress over your head, clearly relieved to find you had a bra and underwear on underneath. He had obviously heard from Dean that it wasn't always a given. 

'Alright, let's get this blood off, huh?' He said softly, sitting down in the huge walk-in shower with you. Letting you rest against his chest as he used a face cloth to gently wipe your face and neck, moving gingerly across your breasts as he noticed the blood had trickled under your bra, tactfully handing you the cloth to finish off. You just looked at it and sobbed. 

'Don't know what to do Sam.' You turned and curled into his chest. 'Everything is fucked.' 

'Hey, we'll work it out ok?' He soothed.

'How? How do I get him back? How do I make Dean my hero again? Cause I think of him and I just see him killing my Daddy. Like I'm five years old and the man is some sort of Saint, instead of the filthy pervert I haven't fucking spoken to in years. I don't know what's wrong with me.' You cried, choking on your words. 'I just wanted to fix them. Be the best daughter, if I was just good enough this never would have happened. It's my fault.'

'Hey, hey. You just need some time to process all this. I'm so sorry I didn't stop Dean sooner. I'm sorry he hurt you. Fuck I'm even sorrier your stepfather and those other assholes hurt you. You don't deserve any of this. It's not your fault ok? None of this is your fault.' 

He held you tight and suddenly you found it difficult to breathe. Your mind spinning with the alcohol, blood loss, and heat from both Sam and the shower. You dropped your head backward to get some air and stifled a giggle at the sudden change in perspective. 

'Hey, you still with me?' He asked, concerned as you stared glassy-eyed at the ceiling, your head a little too floppy. 

He tilted your face towards him, his worried hazel eyes on full alert.

'Huh?' You asked, eyes swimming back into focus, realizing you'd suddenly forgotten he was there - glad when you remembered again.   
'Ah. Beautiful Sam. With your beautiful hair and your beautiful body.' You sighed, not seeing his raised eyebrow.   
  
You dragged your hand down his face, tracing his lips.

'So beautiful. Dean's right - should have gone for you. You're smart. Too smart to want fucked up little ole me, but you're definitely a better bet than your lying, stepfather-murdering godamn dumbass brother.' You said, your face scrunching up at the thought of Dean, trying to ignore the gaping hole in your chest where your heart used to be. 

'Hey, you're not fucked up. You're beautiful and smart, and amazing.' He said, gulping. His adam's apple moving up and down as you kept tracing his lips. 'Let's get you out of here hey?' 

He lifted you up, turning off the shower and quickly wrapping you in a towel. Your bra and panties soaked and clinging to you uncomfortably.

'Stay.' He ordered, leaving you sitting on the bed in the towel as he headed back to the bathroom to change. 

He emerged seconds later wearing his jeans and a tee, leaving his boxers drying on the heated towel rail. You heard him make a high pitched gurgling noise as you turned around. You had shed the uncomfortable wet bra and panties - stepping out of them as he walked out the bathroom, spinning to face him fully naked, your alcohol addled brain taking a minute to realize what you'd done wrong.

Sam was frozen, seemingly unable to look away.

'Sorry, they uh - felt horrible. Wet and yucky.' You said, indicating your lingerie on the floor and screwing up your face like a small child, looking around in slow confusion for the towel you were wearing only a minute ago.

'Uh, it's fine.' He stuttered, his face pinking up as he grabbed a hotel robe from the back of the door and held it around you, trapping your arms. 

'Haha. s'backwards.' You giggled, looking down, pulling one of your arms out and causing the robe to drop slightly from its position around your neck, Sam moving quickly to pull it tightly around the rest of your body, and inadvertently bringing the two of you closer.

'Awww. Such a gent.' You said sweetly, stroking his face with your free hand. 'You're so lovely. Do you know how lovely you are?'

'Please, stop - I, I can't.' He cleared his throat, his face scarlet as you realized you could feel him hard against you. You looked at him in surprise, your breath catching.   
  
Even in your drunken state, you could feel the energy change, could see more in Sam's eyes than best friend brotherly love. They were on fire with need and yearning, his body shaking with the restraint it was taking not to lean the rest of the way forward to kiss you. 

'Sam?' 

He looked down at you and shook his head.

'Dean is fucking luckier than he knows.' He said, his voice husky.

'How - how long?' You stuttered, trying to get your scotch soaked brain back online. The question loaded with things you didn't want to say out loud.

'Since the beginning.' He rasped, his eyes devouring you as he stroked your face and pushed your hair behind your ear. 'It was a slow awareness - either way it was far too late. Dean was head over heels from the start and so were you.' 

Sam laughed hollowly. 'Don't think I didn't sit in that bar that night wondering if I should finally make a move. Then you hooked up with rodeo boy, Dean showed up...' He shrugged. 

'Oh Sam.' You reached up for him, this lovely man who was so sweet, so good to you. He could kiss you if he wanted to, you decided, instinctively tilting your head back and closing your eyes as you felt him lean toward you.

He pulled it back at the last second, switching the intended kiss to your forehead. The want and desire for you restrained once again. Your squeak of surprise betraying you as you swayed a little, looking up at him confused.

He glanced down at the floor, gulping hard as he composed himself.

'I am not kissing you when you're drunk, fucking heartbroken over Dean, likely concussed, and completely messed up over the death of your stepfather.' he said through gritted teeth, taking your arms and putting them the right way through the robe, wrapping it around you and tying it tight as you blinked up at him.

'I'm not kissing you full stop.' He exclaimed, softening at your expression. 'It's nothing. Just a silly crush. You and Dean belong together - anyone spending five minutes with the two of you can see that. You're destined for one another. I just want you to know you're amazing. I- uh. I think you're amazing.' He said, his eyes wide with his own admission.

'O-okaay.' You said, not sure what to do next. How to process the last few minutes on top of everything else. 

'Good. So we're going to forget all this, get you something to eat, and then get you into bed.' He said, the brotherly best friend Sam fully back now.

You nodded and let him guide you into bed, pulling up the covers and calling room service. You sat amongst the pillows like a naughty child, trying not to do anything else wrong. Your mind reeling, wondering if you'd ever noticed Sam looking at you or behaving differently. You realized your thoughts were so consumed with Dean most of the time that even if Sam wasn't a typically stoic Winchester master of hiding feelings, you probably wouldn't have noticed anyway. 

'I'm sorry Sam.' You said, your voice small.

'What for?' He asked, hanging up from room service. 

'For being so oblivious. God - for walking around naked in front of you... for being so drunk and fucking pathetic..'

'Hey.' He interrupted, grabbing your hand. 'The naked bit was not bad at all. Like ... wow - and uh, nice spot for the tattoo by the way.' He grinned, rubbing his hand behind his neck and breathing heavily. '..and you are not drunk and pathetic.' 

You raised your eyebrows in disbelief, and he chuckled.

'Ok, well not pathetic.' He soothed. 'And you were supposed to be oblivious. You're madly in love with my brother... Even if he is a dumbass...' He smiled. 'He's a dumbass doing his best, and I should have known how this would play out and stopped him sooner. Also, he should stop being a dumbass.' He acknowledged, holding your hand a little tighter. 

'But in all of this - all of it - from your stepfather first touching you to this moment right now. Not one second is your fault and you haven't done anything wrong.'

'You all keep saying that... But then how come I feel like I've done everything wrong?' You whispered, hot tears running down your cheeks. 'Pushing Dean away for trying to protect me instead of being fucking grateful. Not being able to save Suze from friggin vampires, not being able to stop my mum from killing herself.. not being able to get her to stop drinking...' You huffed a sad laugh. 'Falling in love with someone who is a killer... Shit... who killed my stepfather...' 

Room service knocked at that moment, interrupting you.

'Back in a minute.' said Sam, kissing your forehead and hustling out of the room.

'And now thinking about possibilities with the man I love's brother...' You whispered, rolling your eyes and mentally adding to your list of many faults. Man, you were fucked. If Crowley wasn't trapped in the bunker, he'd be preparing you some accommodation in the deep recesses of his fucking kingdom.

You suddenly missed Suze and smiled a sad smile, wondering what her take on all of this would have been. She wouldn't have pulled any punches, but she wouldn't have let you wallow either. 

'OK. Time to eat - I'm guessing there wasn't much food with that bottle of scotch you drank?' 

'Not really been hungry.' You frowned, the thought of food still unappealing. 

'Just try to eat something. You'll need it to cope with the hangover tomorrow.' He encouraged. 

You pouted and reached for the tray, doing your best to swallow, even though each mouthful felt like sawdust, pointless, and tiresome. You could hear Sam in the other room, clearing up the glass you'd thrown at the wall earlier and no doubt wiping away the blood from when you tripped and fell. 

Eventually, he came back into the room and let you push the tray away, despite the fact you'd barely cleared any of it. He looked down at you with a sigh, placing his big palm reassuringly against your cheek and letting you lean into it. Unable to stop the expression of heartache on his face at how sad and lost you looked. 

'Sam?' You asked, 'Would it be too hard for you to stay? I don't want to make things worse for you ...' Your voice trailed off. 'I just don't want to be alone again tonight.' You shivered, realizing you were going to be alone every night from now on. 

He looked at you with soft eyes. 

'No. No, it wouldn't be too hard. I can stay.' He said, climbing on top of the covers, moving close but keeping a small distance between the two of you as he turned out the light. You lay together in the dark, the silence stretching. Your mind racing to comprehend everything as your drunk and exhausted body welcomed the opportunity to finally rest.

'Thank you for tonight. For everything. I'm going to miss you so much.' You finally said, your voice shaky.

'Hey, I'm not going anywhere. You need some time, but we'll work this out.' He soothed. 'Do you have someone you could maybe talk to? Help you work through this stuff? A therapist maybe?' He asked.

'Yeah. I think that might be a good idea.' You breathed. 'Might leave out the bit about my monster hunting boyfriend killing my stepfather though - huh?'

'Maybe don't lead with that.' He chuckled, suddenly turning serious. 'Perhaps tone it down to 'beating him up?' 

'Yeah. Good idea. Wish Dean could have thought of that.' Your throat dry as you tried to comprehend how much everything had suddenly changed, and how you couldn't see it ever going back to the way it was before. How you could ever find your way back to each other.

  
'Hey, Sam?' You whispered into the dark, nearly asleep but wanting to say something before you sobered up and were too afraid to.

'I can't promise anything... But may - maybe one day - when I'm past all of this... Well. You're so lovely. Maybe we could see if there's something here?' You suggested tentatively, reaching across the bed.

'Ssshhh. Just relax. Get some rest.' He murmured. Taking your hand in his, stroking the back of it with his long fingers, lulling you into sleep.

Within minutes you were in that twilight haze, the place between barely awake and nearly unconscious when you felt his lips brush yours, so lightly you weren't even sure it happened.

'I don't think you'll ever be anyone's but his.' He whispered, his voice so quiet you barely heard him. 

'I love you. But I love him too - he's given up so many things for me. It's my turn now.' A dreamless sleep pulling you under before you could respond. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Slave to Love - Bryan Ferry ******
> 
> [ Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) //[ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kp3N3wQPO0)
> 
> ********
> 
> ********
> 
> ********
> 
> GIF: Glorious Sam - https://fierydeans.tumblr.com/post/187785462515/shirtless-sam
> 
> ********


	10. Missing You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is providing some distraction for you with all that is going on in the world right now... these chapters are prob not the happiest parts of the story, but perhaps they give you some opportunity to release your tears and angst? Or just something else to think about for a while...  
> Feedback and comments help me write faster so feel free to share your thoughts 💙

_**  
**_ [ **MISSING YOU** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) _**  
  
  
And there's a message that I'm sending out** _

_  
**Like a telegraph to your soul,** _

_  
**And if I can't bridge this distance -** _

_  
**Stop this heartbreak overload...** _

**  
JOHN WAITE**

You went straight to her house from the airport, walking up the steps and ringing the doorbell as you had so many times before. She opened the door immediately, her smile wide and undiminished as you fell into her arms.

'I - I... I need your help.' Was all you could manage in between sobs, allowing yourself to be shepherded inside as she shut the door and brought you into the kitchen.

'Tea?' She asked, making it anyway as you shook your head. 

'So..' she arched an eyebrow, pushing the cup towards you. 'The porch swing, the kitchen table... Or the room?' 

You looked at her and then down at the table. 'I think this is one for the room.' 

She nodded and smiled gently, leading the way. 

You had begun seeing Anne your first year in college. When too much study, alcohol, sex, panic attacks, and general anxiety began to take their toll. You had, of course, insisted you were handling, and Suze had, of course, ignored you and found Anne. Healer and therapist extraordinaire.

It had taken nearly every tool in her considerable toolkit - a mixture of modern psychology and woo woo like Reiki, tapping and breath work - but she had brought you back from the edge. All the way back. You owed her a lot and though you'd rarely needed her since college, you'd stayed in touch and continued to see her annually, almost as a preventative measure.

She opened the door to the treatment room and led you inside. You had started your sessions there originally but as time went on, the ease of the porch swing or kitchen table became just as good a setting as any.   
  
Today you wanted to start back at the beginning. Unravel this shit storm that was breaking you, leaving you emotionally lost and in more pain than you had ever felt in your life. Ever since your conversation with Dean, just breathing hurt. The absence of him was like a constant sharp ache, but equally the thought of being near him made your skin crawl and brought visions of him covered in blood, standing over your stepfather's lifeless body.   
You had no idea how to fix any of this, if it was fixable even... but you knew if you didn't get help soon you might not recover from it and you'd never see Dean again.

'So you're crying.' She observed, settling you in. 'That's new.'

'Yeah. Happened a few times over the last year - happy and sad.' You snuffled, taking the tissues she offered and laying back on the healing table. 'Caught a few uh... feelings.'

'Really?' She asked with interest, her hands hovering over you, checking your energy centers. 'That's new too.' 

'There's a lot that's new.' You sighed, not sure where to start. Watching as she lit a large bundle of sage and began wafting it around you, placing crystals on various chakras on your body as she smudged and cleared your energy. You noticed she stopped to put two crystals over your heart - apparently already knowing double the help was required there.

On autopilot, you went back to the way you always told your life story - big breath, straight in the deep end, and just the facts. No need to overly dramatize it.

'So uh, about a year ago Suze was murdered. Then I met someone and moved to Kansas to live with him and his brother. Everything was good, amazing even... But I had a panic attack during sex because of the - you know....' You waved your hand around. ' - abuse. Anyway, he's an alpha protector type who couldn't let it go. A few days ago he found my stepfather and beat him up quite badly.' 

You took a depth breath and shook your head, trying not to let your emotions overwhelm you. 

'And I got really upset with him. But I don't know why. He's my hero - and my stepfather was scum. But I said terrible things, and now he's gone and I'm so fucked up and lost. And I just want him back, but my mind is all weird and everything is just so godamn fucked.' Hot tears streaming down your face once again.

'Ok.' She said, coming to put her hands on your shoulders. 'I want you to take a deep breath in and hold it for four beats, then out for four beats.'

You closed your eyes and did as she asked, repeating it several times before you felt the overwhelm subside, and some calm return to your central nervous system.

'Better?' She asked, removing her hands from your shoulders.

'Much.' You nodded, your eyes remaining closed.

'Okay. We'll come back to Suze's death because it is a significant loss, and is bound to be tangled up in this somewhere.'

You nodded and gulped 'Ok. Yeah.' 

'Alright. So let's start with his name.' She said gently.

'D-Dean.' You said, deciding to at least be honest about his first name. Everything else you might be able to censor, but you doubted you could remember a pseudonym regularly enough to be believable. 

'So let's talk about with your relationship with Dean. You met him a year ago and moved to Kansas for him? That's quite a move. Your work, your friends, your apartment?'

'None of it seemed very important after Suze died. The friends were just people I worked with - we had some common interests, but I've barely missed any of them, to be honest... only.' Your breath caught. 'Only Suze.' 

'Did Suze ever meet Dean?' asked Anne.

'No - she uh... No.' You said quietly.

'Tell me about Dean. How does your relationship make you feel? How did you feel about it before this incident with your stepfather?' She queried.

'Incredible.' You blurted out immediately, smiling at the thought of it, even though it hurt your heart. 

'He's so kind, caring and thoughtful. We understand each other, like we speak this weird mix of body language, intuition, and shared experience. It's not that we don't talk, but so many times we find we don't need to. I felt so loved, seen and adored just for being me - no matter how ugly my emotional shit is, he doesn't judge, doesn't care, doesn't diminish me. And this crazy sense of belonging that I've never had in my whole life - not even with Suze and her family. It was just ... like nothing I've ever known.' You finished with a whisper. The room suddenly silent.

'I know that sounds lame as hell.' You followed up quickly, suddenly afraid of the vulnerability you'd displayed in speaking about Dean that way, even with her. 

'Not at all. It sounds lovely.' She responded. 'So your relationship moved very quickly I take it?' 

'Not really. I mean it did at first - then he tried to push me away, wanting to protect me. And He thought - he uh. He just thought that I might still be grieving Suze and not in the best place to make decisions.' You shrugged, realizing keeping this straight and not mentioning hunting and the supernatural was going to require more focus than you thought.

'Protect you from what?' Anne was sharp, She didn't miss much. You'd forgotten that.

'Uh. Moving too quickly and leaving everything. And his job is sort of dangerous. He's a - a bounty hunter.' You said, thinking fast. Hoping that would cover any slips and references towards hunting. 'Hence the alpha protective thing.' You added.

'Ok. So what happened to set this all off? You mentioned a panic attack during sex?' 

You took her through the incident in detail, also describing the love and care he took in helping you pull it back.

'So you enjoy anal sex now? And there are no flashbacks?' She asked.

'None. I love it. He...' You gulped at the bittersweet memories of the care and love he poured into helping you. 'He helped me release it and move past it.'

'So if this panic attack was so long ago, why did he feel the need to find your stepfather now?'

'I don't know. He said it had been on his mind for months... then I had a nightmare recently and apparently that set him off in search of my stepfather.' You took deep breaths. 'He wanted to be sure that I was safe - and that he wasn't hurting other girls.' 

'Were you worried he was hurting other girls?' She asked softly.

'I - I... fuck. I'd never even thought about it.' You admitted. 'I thought it was just me. That he'd only done it to me.'

'Why would he only do it to you?' 

'Be - because...' You couldn't finish the sentence. 'I'm not sure.' You deflected.

'Really?' Even with your eyes closed, you could feel the pressure of her look. 

Combined with the years of practice at unloading your emotional baggage in this room and your new-found openness in the past year, you found the words slipped out more easily than expected. Past the walls and filters, you'd been so careful to maintain previously.

'Because I wasn't good enough. If I'd been better somehow - Mom wouldn't have drank so much, and they would have been happy, and then he wouldn't have been so sad and needed me to help him not be sad.' You replied. Aware of your vulnerability in sharing, but completely unaware that you'd reverted to your childhood logic on a level that, as an adult, you wouldn't normally entertain.  
  
'If I'd been better, good enough - then he wouldn't have needed to do that, because he'd have been happy just with me as a normal kid. But I wasn't, so - it made him weird. Need extra.' Your voice was barely above a whisper now. It all just seemed so simple. Obvious.

'So you think the problem, was you? Not him?' 

'Well. I.. I mean I - I know he's a terrible person for what he did, but he must have had his reasons right?' Your voice sounding more and more like a small child's.

You heard Anne suck in a breath. 'And you think that you were the reason?'

'Maybe.' It felt like you were tearing strips off your soul. Removing a very strong protection barrier you'd erected around all of it, this whole damn story, your whole damn life even. 

'I mean it makes sense. Everyone leaves me. Bad things happen to them. And now I've done the same to Dean. Told him he was a monster. All he did was try to love me. I don't know how to be better. Be good enough. I feel like this broken thing that will never be shiny and normal. I'm like a beacon for bad things. That's why my stepfather, the foster homes, my mother... Suze... now this thing with Dean. It makes sense you see? It all makes sense.'

You turned to curl yourself inward on the narrow healing bed. The crystals falling off you as you moved into the fetal position and sobbed once more.

'Okay. We're going to stop for today.' Soothed Anne, putting her warm hands on your back. 'I'm going to relax you and do some sound healing. And then we're going to get back into this tomorrow. Do you want to stay here for tonight?'

You said nothing, nodding your agreement. You didn't care where you stayed, here would do as well as anywhere.

  
* * * *

The next few days quickly turned into two weeks. You continued to stay at Anne's. Each day intensive and filled with varying revelations and insights. Some days it was terrifying and you shut down completely, spending entire afternoons just rocking back and forth on the swing, watching the garden, not speaking at all.

Mostly your sessions were about your Mom and your stepfather, you'd hardly spoken about Dean at all since the first session. You were realizing how angry you were at your Mom. That maybe you even hated her a little. That if she hadn't been so drunk, your stepfather might not have turned to you. Or that she would have seen it. Or worse she did see it and did nothing. And then she left you, after all the things you did to help her, she left.

There was so much you needed to talk to her about. You needed to go see her.

The stone pit in your stomach grew as you drove to the cemetery. It occurred to you that you hadn't been there more than a handful of times since she died. Once you moved in with Suze and her parents, you walled off your previous life, the emotions, and all the hurt that came with it. 

You stood in front of her headstone and discovered you were trembling a little.

'Hey Mom, it's me. Uh, it's been a minute I know, but shit has been a bit crazy.' You said, shifting nervously from one foot to the other, your eyes reading and re-reading the words 'Beloved wife and mother.'

'So um, there's some stuff we need to talk about.. things are pretty bad right now. I really messed up with this guy... this amazing guy that I've been seeing - Dean. You'd like him a lot actually, you'd dig his music taste for sure. And his love of whiskey.' Your face fell a little. 

'I really want to work this out because I love him - a lot. And I know he adores the fuck out of me. He would do anything for me actually, so I owe it to him - and me - to deal with this. No matter how much it hurts.' Your breath coming out in short raspy punches. Your hands beginning to tremble as you clenched your fists, gathering your courage.

'And it does hurt. It really hurts... because I think that part of the reason shit got fucked up ... is because of you. And actually, I found out that I'm pretty fucking angry at you Mom.' Your voice shaking as you fell to your knees on the grass, your chest tight with fear. Saying the words out loud was terrifying. You'd spent your life protecting her, loving her. Needing to be perfect and not a problem for her, this was scary new territory.

'I - I spent all those years looking after you, w-when you were supposed to be looking after me.' You stuttered. 

'I - I was only little, but I kept your secret, I tidied up your messes, hell I didn't even let you or your asshole of a husband see me cry. Not even when he fucked me and it hurt so bad I wanted to scream, I never complained, never upset him - just so he would be nicer to you, and still. Still you fucking left. You just left.' You rasped. Your anger bubbling up, raw and choking. 

'All the years of trying to help you. Fix you - even after you died, I was still trying to fix you in my head, in my memories.. ' You gulped. 'But now I can't help but wonder if maybe it wasn't that I wasn't a good enough daughter. That maybe whatever I did was never going to be enough because the problem... the problem was always you.' 

Your throat catching in a sob, tears rolling down your face.

'Because you never really tried, you know... you never tried to stop drinking. Not once. You never got any help. And you never even told me you were thinking about leaving.' You cried, your voice rising, not caring anymore if anyone heard. You were done with hiding the bottles for Mama. 

'You just fucking left. Just decided you wanted to kill yourself and leave your 13-year-old daughter alone with a rapist who dumped her in foster homes when she wouldn't let him touch her anymore. I mean what kind of mother would fucking do that?' You spat, rocking back and forth, staring at the ground.

'You - both of you... You made me believe that it was me, that I was the answer to your problems. If I had just been able to fix you. Make it better for you... then you wouldn't have had to drink. He wouldn't have done those things. We would have been okay. And I believed it, believed you were good, could change because I didn't want to love bad people. Didn't want either of you to be bad people.' You looked up at her headstone. 

'But you were bad people Mom. Fuck. I thought you loved me, because I tried to so hard to love you - but I don't think you ever did. Not properly. I don't think you knew how...' You swallowed bile. 'And it fucked me up. If I was worth protecting, how come my own mother wouldn't protect me? You should have stopped him, taken me away, but you never did.' You choked, taking a deep breath. 

'And so I made up stories and excuses for you, for him... both of you. Kept hoping that I would have an answer to why the good people I loved - didn't love me properly... See Mom, I think that's why I got so mad at Dean. That's why it seemed wrong and awful and scary when he stood up for me. Because he did what you should have, and if I was okay with that, then I had to admit I wasn't okay with you.'

You exhaled, gathering your courage.

'Dean made me see that I was still a little girl hoping for a magical reason for her Mommy abandoning her, instead of facing the truth. Made me see the lies I'd been believing my whole life.' Your voice thick with emotion and grief.

'Dean showed me monsters - not just demons and vampires... but the two of you. He made me see that it might not be me. He showed me that I could be ok to love... be worth protecting. Because He - he did something to protect me. Because he loves me and that's what you do when you love someone. But not you... You never did that. Shit Mom - why didn't you do that?'

You could feel the rage, rocking through you like an earthquake, exploding as you pounded your fists and clutched at the grass beneath you. 

'Why the fuck couldn't you love me, Mom? Why were you so crap at looking out for me? It's not fair. I did everything I could to help and you did nothing.' 

You lay down in front of her headstone, your breath coming in heavy rasps. 

'I fucking hate you. I hate you so godamn much.' You cried, sobbing into the earth. Releasing years of anger, fear, frustration, and angst into the dirt below.

*

'So I went to the cemetery today to talk to my Mom.' You said, settling in as Anne placed the crystals around you. 

'Uh-huh.' said Anne, holding space as you tried to put it all into words.

'Turns out I'm pretty fucking angry at her.' 

Saying the words out loud was still strange, scary. You'd spend so long protecting her. Lying. 

'That seems pretty fucking valid. Go on.' Replied Anne, causing you to look up in shock. Anne was usually fairly neutral and swear word free, but she seemed definite about this. It gave you the courage to continue.

'Well.' You looked down nervously, knowing you couldn't keep the words inside anymore, even if you tried. It all came pouring out, your conversation at the graveside, and your revelation about Dean and how he loves you. Saying it all for a second time felt lighter, freeing.

'Wow. You really have done the work these last couple of weeks.' Said Anne, pride and admiration in her eyes.

'You are right. Your mother should have protected you, and Dean - however misguidedly and let's not forget illegally - beating up your stepfather showed you another way to be loved.' She looked at you with kind eyes.

'It made you afraid, because love no longer looked like it was supposed to - love was supposed to be you not being good enough. His actions, his willingness to protect and look after you in that way - and by interacting with such a strong part of your past was overwhelming, it changed everything, and to keep safe - keep the status quo, you immediately rejected it. Rejected him. Unable to handle all the truths it brought up - until now.' She smiled. 

'Fuck.' You rasped, her validation being the last piece you needed. Feeling the weight of a lifetime falling away. The freedom in acknowledging that it wasn't you, that you might not be as broken and ugly as you thought. That actually your Mom and stepfather were people who didn't deal with their crap and you got caught in the crossfire. Bad people who not only didn't protect you when they should have, but who actively hurt and harmed you.   
It was almost overwhelming in its lightness. 

'Fuck. I got it so wrong. All this time... and Dean...' You gasped. 'Shit - how can I ever get him to forgive me? He thinks I hate him. I called him a monster... told him he made my skin crawl.' 

'I think you need a day or so for this all to settle first.' Anne said gently. 'Wait till you're a little more comfortable with it - completely sure of what you feel before you start bringing Dean into it, okay?'

You nodded, mostly just relieved at how much clearer everything was. How the world made sense again. Your thoughts were no longer twisted. You could feel and admit the truth of them without the need to protect your Mom or stepfather. Making it easy to forgive Dean, to feel sad and empathetic at his loss of control.

You had always understood how who he is and what he's been through had collided violently with his love and fears for you that night, but what you saw now was that it didn't make him a monster. And while killing your stepfather wasn't exactly a good thing, you also understood Dean's actions on a new level. How it kept him up at night. How driven he would have been by his own demons with the need to make sure you were safe. How he lost control because he cared for you deeply and would always want to keep you safe. 

You gave yourself permission to acknowledge the part of you that was grateful for his actions. The little girl who needed rescuing and maybe loved him even more for slaying the monster that hurt her all those years ago. 

Dean was your hero again. He loved you. He wanted to help you, protect you and keep you safe because he believed with all his heart you deserved that - because that's what people who really love you do. Now all you needed to find a way for him to forgive you, and to stop him torturing himself with the horrible things you'd said long enough to let you back in. Knowing Dean Winchester as you did, that wasn't going to be easy.

  
You sat back with a sigh. No wonder you'd avoided the majority of this crap most of your life. You felt like you'd just climbed one mountain, only to be faced with another. And you knew Anne wasn't going to let you go without discussing the Suze thing, problem was you weren't sure if you were ready for that yet.

* *

The next morning you were at the table finishing off your breakfast and about to head to the treatment room when Anne took you by surprise. She was sitting across from you reading the paper and put it down slowly, holding your gaze with hers, jumping in with a whole series of questions that took your breath away.

'So when you first arrived - you said that Suze was murdered? I was concerned at the time, but left it till now to talk about it. I looked into it and it seems she was attacked by a wolf while the two of you were away at a cabin together? That must have been terrifying - yet you've never mentioned it?' Anne gave you a hard stare over the top of her glasses.

'Yeah. I - uh.' You realized you hadn't really talked about it. Not with Dean, not with anyone. Suze had been killed by a vampire, you'd chopped its head off with an axe, Dean and Sam had shown up and told you to tell people it was a wolf. You'd followed them and learned to be a hunter, killing bad things, falling in love with Dean... missing her, but not ever discussing her death. Avoiding that it was the one year anniversary of her death imminently, purely because you had no idea how to cope with it. 

You just didn't allow yourself to think of that day. Never letting yourself think about how it felt to be holding an axe dripping with vampire blood, while still not believing they were real. Staring at the body of your friend, your sister that was shredded and broken beyond repair, eyes open and staring lifelessly at the sky. The last person you had left.   
Never acknowledging that, unable to comprehend so many mind-altering shifts at once, you'd jumped on accepting the vampire thing and factual part of Suze's death. Deciding to become a hunter and ignoring the massive emotional impact of seeing her die that way. Of seeing her die and of seeing her dead body. Now Anne was asking you about it and you had no idea what to say.

'You used the word 'murdered'' She pressed on. 'That's not a typical word to describe a killing by an animal.'

'Did I say that?' You stalled. 'I guess I meant 'killed' and it just felt like she was murdered.' You mumbled.

'And how did you meet Dean again? He came into your life around this time - correct?' She asked, making you extremely uncomfortable. You weren't prepared for this stuff. You'd been so focused on your stepfather and your mother, you felt blindsided.

'You also called him your 'hero'. That's pretty strong and surprising language for you - why do you think of him in those terms?' She queried, pulling the glasses off now to stare at you directly. 

'I - I don't know how to feel about Suze.' You said, deflecting the conversation from Dean. 'I have tried not to think about her body lying in front of me. How it felt, what a mess she was. I try to block out what that fucking monster did to her because I can't. I don't see a way to talk about it. I don't see any point. It w-was bad, she's dead now.' You stuttered.

'Its incredibly challenging to see the body of someone you love, especially if they've been attacked by a wild animal. But you have personalized this - you're speaking about the wolf as a murderer, a monster - as if it deliberately hunted and attacked Suze with an agenda, like a human would.' She said carefully.

'It fucking did hunt her with an agenda.' You spat, your body begin to tremble. 

'What do you mean? Why do you think the wolf was a monster? It's just a wild animal, unfortunately, that's what happens sometimes.' Anne replied, concern in her voice.

'You wouldn't say that if you'd seen what I've seen.' You shivered, the words out of your mouth before you could stop them.

'Really? What have you seen?' Asked Anne. 

The room silent except for the pounding of your heart. Could you trust her? Could you tell her the secret? The Winchester Family business? Would her spiritual beliefs extend into ghosts, demons, and vampires? The two of you had dissected almost every other detail of your life in the past two weeks, you trusted her implicitly. She was tough and open-minded, maybe it would be good to share everything at last.

You took a deep breath. Fidgeting with your fork as you held her gaze.

'So Anne - uh, how much do you believe in the supernatural?'

* * *

'I'm glad you came in with me to visit Dr Craig.' Said Anne, introducing you as you entered his office. It was several stories up at one of the nicer teaching hospitals, he had an enviable view and a string of letters after his name that proclaimed psychiatry primarily. 'He's a specialist in some therapies that I'm not. I've told him a bit about your case, but I think you'd benefit from some in-house sessions with him. He's much more familiar with some of the things you've told me about.'

'In-house sessions? I thought we were just having a meeting?' You asked, looking at Anne in confusion. Your conversation the prior afternoon had brought up a lot of pain about Suze's death and Anne had suggested meeting with Dr. Craig.

'Anne tells me that she thinks you might have some special interest requirements that she can't help with.' Said Dr. Craig. 'I'd like you to tell me more about your friend Suze's death and how you met your boyfriend - Dean is it?'

Anne had indicated on the drive over that you could trust him with the truth, that he potentially had also had experience with this sort of thing before. You looked at him and wondered how so. Then again it's hard to tell what someone has been through just by looking at them. Undoubtedly you didn't look like someone who hunted monsters with your boyfriend and his brother, while keeping the King of Hell in the basement of your secret underground bunker and a prophet of the lord in one of your spare rooms, but here you were. 

'Anne, why don't you leave us to chat?' suggested Dr. Craig.

'Ok, I'll see you later.' said Anne gently, almost looking sad. You knew she had found the whole story upsetting and you wondered if that was why she hugged you longer than was necessary as she left. You sat down and turned back to Dr. Craig.  
  
'So tell me about vampires and Suze's death.' He said, sounding puzzled. 'Did you know that you could kill them by chopping their heads off before this? Or was it just a spare of the moment thing?'

You looked at him and sighed. It was going to be a long afternoon.

* * * *

You dialed the number on autopilot, your fingers fumbling as you looked around, each ring an eternity, not sure if he would answer, what you would say to his voicemail if he didn't.

'Rookie?' Just hearing his voice, hearing him breathing down the phone was heady. It had barely been three weeks since you last spoke but it felt like a lifetime. 

'Dean...' Your throat went dry, the silence between you stretching.

'Are you ok?' He asked, edgy, and alert with concern. 

'Can you come please?' You managed to choke out.

He sighed, stuttering slightly over his next words.

'Things aren't good right now baby. You're better off away from me.' He rasped reluctantly.

'Things aren't - uh, aren't great here either.' You breathed. 'You said if I ever needed you...' Your voice broke. 'Dean - I really need you.' 

You looked around the locked hospital ward, aware the nurse could be back at her station any second and if they caught you, they'd isolate you and possibly strap you down once again. 

'Please, Dean?' You pleaded. 'Please come?' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Missing You - John Waite ******  
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) // [ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9e157Ner90)  
> 


	11. These arms of mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was fun to write. Nice to have them together again after a few chapters apart. Apologies if there's more errors than usual - not been very well and finding my editing skills have slipped a bit, but trying to get this finished and out there as quickly as I can. I'd hate to leave y'all hanging for ages if health gets worse. Unfinished fics are pet peeve, so def don't want to be one of those peeps :). Enjoy 💙

[ **THESE ARMS OF MINE** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) _**  
  
  
These arms of mine, they are burning** _  
_**  
Burning from wanting you** _

_**  
These arms of mine, they are wanting** _

_**Wanting to hold you** _

_**  
And if you would let them hold you** _   
_**  
Oh how grateful I will be** _

**  
OTIS REDDING**

You felt him before you heard him calling your name. Those big arms wrapped around you, the lips at your temple giving you the softest of kisses... then you smelt him, the familiar scent washing over you, calming you. You were safe, home.

'Hey baby girl, wake up. Let's get you out of here hey?' That familiar deep husky rumble enveloping you.

'Dean? You're here? S-sorry I took tha meds.' You slurred, disoriented. 'I thought it'd take you some of the days to get s'here and they made me take them.' Your tongue felt like it was wrapped in cotton wool and you wondered if you were dreaming. 'How'd you get here so faast? Did Cass get his wings back? Is s'here too?'

'No baby I flew. Sssh, now you've got to be quiet yeah.' He shrugged off his jacket and wrapped it around you. 'Can you walk?'

'Sure. What .. dumb question.' You mumbled, hopping off the bed. Giggling as your legs refused to support you, Dean catching you just before you hit the ground.

'Wow. What happened? Are you ok?' You asked as Dean regained his balance, struggling against your dead weight. 

'I'm fine.' He chuckled, unable to stop himself kissing your forehead. 'We'll go with me carrying you for now shall we?' 

'S'okay.' You shrugged, just happy to be back in his arms. You put your hands around his neck and snuggled your face into his chest. You kept your eyes shut, no clue how he got you out, only opening them again when you felt the cool night air hit your cheeks.

Dean opened the car door and dropped you gently inside. Clicking your seat belt around you.

'Dean?' You asked, tapping the modern dashboard in confusion as he climbed into the driver's seat and looking around. 'Why does Baby look so different?' 

'Oh Rookie, they really got you on the good stuff huh?' He chuckled sadly, reaching out to stroke your cheek. 'It's a rental'.

'Oh.' You squeaked. 'Is she ok?'

'Who?'

'Baby. You'd never leave her behind. You love her.' 

'Yeah, I do.' He said, softly stroking your cheek once more, staring you with an intensity that made you wonder if he was talking about the car.

'How about you try and get some rest?' He soothed.

'Kay.' You sat back, staring wide-eyed out the windscreen as he drove, feeling more and more wasted as you tried to focus on the passing cars, their headlights blinding, turning into weird waves and squiggles that kept zinging in front of your eyes even after they'd gone.

'You might get more rest with your eyes shut babe.' He murmured, taking your hand. 

You immediately obeyed, closing your eyes tight. Unsure what to do as the world quickly began to spin.

'Dean?' You asked, your eyes still shut and gripping his hand. ' Umm, I don't feel so good in the dark. My stomach is moving.'

'Ok eyes open, baby girl' He commanded, sliding your window down from the driver's panel. 'You feel sick? Like motion sickness?' 

'Like I wanna barf, sickness.' You nodded solemnly. 

Ok, I need you to suck on your thumb for a bit, just till I get some distance between us and this place. Then I'll find us somewhere to stop for a bit ok?

He pushed your thumb into your mouth. 'It'll help, I promise.' He soothed. 

'Meh.' You pouted. 'Can I suck your thumb? I love your thumb. Oooh, or your.. ' You tried to dive forward into his lap.

'No baby. No.' He grabbed your hand that was reaching across his thigh towards his cock and put your thumb back in your mouth, pushing you back in your seat.

'Jeez. I can't believe I just said no to that.' He muttered under his breath, shaking his head and shifting in his seat uncomfortably, already hard, dragging his eyes away from you as you continued to suck your thumb while watching him intently. He was so pretty. It's not like you'd forgotten he was pretty, more like just how pretty he was. Man, was it a lot of pretty.

You rode for a while in silence, before he spoke to you again.

'Something funny Rookie?' He raised an eyebrow.

You realized you were giggling and suddenly stopped, pulling your thumb out of your mouth. 

'I - I don't know why I was laughing.' You replied, looking down at your lap. 'I'm actually pretty sad.'

You took a deep breath. 

'Oh, but you'd have been s'proud of me though.' You grinned.

'Yeah? Why's that Rookie?' He asked gently.

'Didn't go down s'without a fight.' You screwed your face up and made a fist, causing him to chuckle softly. 

'S'thats why they gave me the good stuff. I knocked out a security guy.' You declared, reenacting a couple of cross punches to emphasize your point.   
'Plus they think I need it cause I'm hallucinating about monsters - and that maybe even you're not real. That I made you up to cover up a si ...psychotic break. They think maybe I did something to my stepfather.' You paused. 'Cause - you know, he's "missing".' You shrugged, trying and failing to do air quotes.

'Fuck.' He sucked in a breath, shaking his head guiltily. 'I'm so fucking sorry baby.'

'Meh. S'my fault - shouldn't have talked about it. No one likes the truth about monsters. I shoulda known that better than anyone.' You threw your hands up.   
'Till last week I didn't even wanna admit I grew up with two of them... That's s'why I fucked up s'bad - you know. With us.' You replied sadly, dropping your arms. 'I didn't know what it looked like when people loved you enough to stop the bad stuff. I didn't know how to accept it. I'm sorry Dean.'

'Jesus Rookie.' He croaked, his voice raw with emotion and anger. 'You gotta stop fucking taking the blame for shit that ain't your fault. This is on me, not you godammit.' He exclaimed, hitting the dashboard and making you flinch.

'But..' 

'Just stop okay?' He demanded.

'Ok.' You agreed, your voice small.

'But Dean?' You said, bringing your hand up to your mouth, the motion sickness having returned with a vengeance. 

He glanced over and nodded, turning sharply into a dusty side road and over onto the nearby grass. Moving quickly around the car as you tried to get out, forgetting about the seat belt and getting tangled up.

'Ok. I got ya.' He said, undoing the strap and lifting you from the car. Rubbing your back and holding your hair as you leaned against the hood, keeping it out of the way as your stomach tried to exit through your mouth. Retching until it was empty.

'Better?' He asked softly, handing you some water and toothpaste to rinse your mouth once the worst had subsided.

'Huh?' You breathed, starting to sway and lose your balance. Feeling strangely even more wasted and high after puking. These meds were a trip. 

'Hey, hey - ok. We need to get you horizontal.' He said, holding you up. 'You ok if we stop at a motel for a few hours? Nothing funny - separate rooms if you want.'

'Why? You just got here. You can't be in a different room. I s'miss ou too much.' You slurred, looking at him and trying to focus. 'Missed you s'godamn much Dean. Like knives and a hole in my chest. Horrible.'

You shook your head and turned to lean against the car. Not noticing how he stopped. Wincing as though he was physically hurt as you said how much you missed him. Standing behind you with his mouth opening and closing, unable to say anything or even touch you.  
  


  
Oblivious to his pain, you managed to get yourself in the car and do up your seat belt. Feeling a little better and less wasted. 

'Dean - I think I'll be a bit ok if you wanna drive some more first.' You said, slurring ever so slightly less as he climbed in the driver's side, having gathered himself together once again.

'Its okay Rookie, we'll find somewhere close.' He said, patting your hand and focusing on the road.

You stared at his pretty profile, trying to remember how he'd rescued you.

'Wait.' You exclaimed, the thought suddenly occurring to you. 'How - how did you get here so fast? How come you don't have Baby?' You asked, cocking your head awkwardly to one side.

He looked at you and rolled his eyes.

'I flew sweetheart.' He repeated. 'Baby is at the airport parking garage.'

'Whoa. You flew? You got on a plane? You left Baby in an airport parking garage... For me?' Your eyes wide and mind whirling.

'Yeah, I got on a plane. Fuck Rookie - you were alone and vulnerable in a locked ward, angels and demons, Abaddon - anyone could have got to you.' 

'Oh yeah.' Your heart broke a little. 'Of course. Everyone would have been compromised.' You whispered.

'What?' He demanded.

'You had to come get me, if they caught me it was dangerous for everyone. I get it.' 

'Do you now?' He snarled. 'Fuck. You think I came for you because it would endanger everyone else? Screw them.' He huffed, taking deep breaths.

'Don't act like you don't know what I would do for you.' He growled. 'Even if I didn't love you - its the least I can fucking do.

'You still love me?' You asked, your voice small.

He didn't reply, his eyes focused on the road.

'Oh.' Your face fell. 'No. The things I said. I was s'awful. You hate me now. I'm sorry if you hate me now. I didn't mean to make you hate me.' You whispered. 'I was so mean. So wrong. I got everything s'all mixed up. We worked out why. Trauma. PTDS - no. P..T.. ' You stopped. 'Whatever, I got it all fucked up and wrong. I don't want you gone. I love you.'

Dean said nothing, pulling into a hotel parking lot. His jaw ticking.

'You wait here.' His voice husky. 'I'll get us a room.'

'Ok.' You replied. You might be off your face on meds, but you knew enough to know he hadn't said I love you back. You tried to focus, wondering what the fuck to do. Dean felt bad enough to get on a plane even though he was terrified of flying, but he still hated you because you said such horrible things to him. Not to mention you couldn't even hold your head up. It kept slipping down onto your shoulder every two seconds.

The door opened next to you. 

'Ok little bobblehead, let's go. It ain't as fancy as you like, but its nicer than our usual gig.' He muttered, lifting you out of the car and taking you inside the Best Western. 

Pulling back the covers, he lay you on the bed and smoothed them around you, still wrapped in his jacket, given you were unwilling to let go of it when he tried to make you more comfortable. You stayed there for a few seconds before deciding to shed the scrubs type outfit from the hospital that you'd had more than enough of. Happy instead to sit in your underwear with his jacket draped over you, the smell of him calming you. Watching in a foggy haze as he salted the windows, drawing a devil's trap and angel sigils in invisible ink. When he was done he sat on the opposite bed, kicking off his boots. Doing another check to make sure he hadn't missed anything, surprised when you grabbed his hand, his jacket falling to the floor. 

'Dean, why did you get on a plane if you hate me now?' You asked, tears in your eyes. 

He sighed, his face crumpling.

'Fuck. Don't you know there's never a way I could ever hate you.' He said, kneeling down beside the bed and wiping your cheek. 

'But I'm no good for you sweetheart. For anyone. And I love you far too fucking much to destroy you all over again.' He choked down a sob, softly kissing your bare shoulder. 'Look at what I've done to you already.' 

'This wasn't you. It was me and my fucked up past. Please. I need a hug. I need to be in your arms - home.' You pleaded, your face broken. 'If you don't hate me then please - hold me?'

He took a deep breath and nodded, giving in. Biting back tears as he kicked off his jeans and climbed in beside you. Spooning you and smelling your hair.

'S'better be here when I wake up Winchester.' You sighed, leaning into him.

'Yeah? Or what? You'll kick my ass?' He teased.

'No.' You said, your voice tight with honesty. 'I'll be really scared.'

He said nothing but pulled you closer, tucking your head under his chin, his arms pressing you to his chest. You thought you heard him crying softly above you, but you were pulled into unconsciousness before you could raise your hand to his cheek to stroke it and reassure him. Everything was okay now, he was there, you were in his arms, home again. It was going to be okay.  
  


*

Sometime in the night it began. Neither of you knowing who made the first move, perhaps it was pure instinct. Your bodies so in tune with one another, so starved of one another for the last three weeks, that they simply sought each other out of their own accord.

All you knew is that suddenly in the darkness you were aware, awake, and you were moving with him, together, pressing against one another, desperate and hungry. His lips on yours, as your hands roamed his body, pulling at his tee shirt and boxers, tearing them off, rediscovering every ridge and muscled curve of him. Your hand enveloping his rock hard cock as he pushed your panties aside, groaning at your wetness.   
Pulling him on top of you, arching upward to meet him as he thrust inside you, your bodies moving in perfect remembered harmony. The delicious stretch as your body welcomed him, this dance they had done together so many times almost happening on its own. Both of you sucking and tasting each other's skin, devouring every inch you could find and then backtracking in case you missed a bit. You were incapable of thought, allowing instinct and passion to overwhelm you. Heat and desire filling you with fire and molten waves of longing, the crazed need for each other overriding anything else. Gasping into each other's mouths, whispering promises into each other's skin, calling one another's name as you came, clinging and breathless.

Then slow appreciation, smiles, and kisses, feeling him grow hard inside you once more. His heavy cock dragging and sliding in and out of you. The deep thrusts filling and leaving you with aching need. Both of you drunk on each other, lost in one another, primal and raw with emotion, overwhelmed at being connected once again. 

'Never stop. Please don't ever stop being with me, touching me, holding me.' You panted.

'Never baby.' He agreed, his voice wrecked and husky, barely above a growl as he buried himself in you, his face in your neck, breathing you in. 'Forever yeah.'

'Fuck yes Dean.' You cried out, your voice barely audible as your orgasm swept you away again. 'Forever. I promise.'

* * * *

You woke in the morning to find he was already dressed and ordering room service. 

'Morning.' You smiled, sliding out from under the covers. Moving to sit naked on his lap, slowly kissing down his neck as he hung up the phone. 'Thanks for coming to save me.' 

'You're uh.' He looked down at you and took a breath as you hit his sweet spot just below his ear, completely distracted. 'Ah - sorry what was the question?'

'Who cares.' You giggled, taking one of his hands and placing it between your legs. 

'Baby - Uh Rookie. Look I know what I said and last night..' He groaned, his fingers automatically crooking as you opened your legs wider and pushed them deeper inside you.

'Was amazing. I missed you so much.' You whimpered, your hips beginning to grind against his fingers, your ass rubbing up against the growing denim bulge underneath it.

'I missed you too. You know I did..' He growled. His voice cut off by your tongue pushing its way into his mouth, afraid he was going to say something you didn't want to hear. His hands moving of their own accord in harmony with your body's aching need, working you faster, hitting all of your spots immediately. His touch memory and many hours spent learning your body paying off once again.

'Jesus. You're so wet, baby.' His voice husky and sexy as fuck, his lips moving down your neck, totally lost in you. All other thoughts now gone from his head.

'All for you Sir.' You rasped. ' You know if you wanted room service - I have a godamn suggestion about what you should eat.' You panted, keen to feel that talented tongue on you once more after so long.

'Fuck yes.' He snarled, lifting you up and throwing you backward onto the bed, opening your legs wide as he got to his knees and slid between them, his tongue flat, then flicking hard against your clit. Circling through your folds, licking and sucking like a man starved, watching every sigh and twitch as you dropped his name like a prayer.

'Taste so good baby. Godamn I've missed this beautiful pussy.' He groaned before thrusting his tongue deep inside you, his nose nudging your clit as his finger used your slick to work your tight hole. His mouth relentless as molten lava burned through you. The heat building as his finger pushed deeper, your hips rising to meet his face as his tongue and nose took you higher. He looked so fucking hot between your legs, those green eyes flashing up at you. You gripped his hair tighter, hearing him moan into your soaking cunt. 

'Yes. More. Feels so good.' You cried out, every nerve ending screaming. Your body trembling with the need to release the fireworks exploding and popping through your central nervous system, his mouth and hands so persistent and everywhere at once, sending you spiraling over the edge.

'Uh fuck Dean. Oh my god.' You yelled, your body slick with sweat, your toes curling as you came undone. You pussy clenching and shuddering as your body shook.

He pulled himself up, unbuttoning his jeans and pushing them down, leaning forward, thrusting his tongue into your mouth as his gorgeous cock slid inside your still shuddering walls.

'You always feel so good, baby... Your skin, your taste, your touch, your mouth, your pussy.' He rasped. 'So godamn good I can't help myself. So addicted to you. So in love with you. Shit.' He groaned. 

'Harder Dean. Please fuck me harder.' You cried, ripping off his shirt, pulling his tee over his head, needing to touch him, feel his skin on yours. His thick, hard cock filling you up over and over as he pounded you deeper and faster, his hand grasping your breast, thumb rolling over your nipple. His mouth moving down to lick and gently bite it as he hit your g-spot again and again. The pleasure causing your brain to fritz and go offline. Caught up in the wall of muscle that surrounded you, the smell and masculinity of him overwhelming. This man who saved you, loved you, cherished you, breathing him in, taking him into your soul. 

'Dean I love you so much, I... ' Unable to finish the sentence as your body began to spasm once again. The ripples like shockwaves, moving through you, radiating from your clenching walls and the snapping coil deep in your core. He kissed you deeply, his tongue demanding access to all of you as he ground against you, your body bucking and shaking beneath him, pounding you harder, his hips crashing into yours. 

'Fuck I love you too baby.' He cried out, his voice strained, pumping you full of cum, exploding inside you with a ferocity that left you both gasping and clinging to one another. Staring into each other's eyes, unable to speak, unwilling to change anything by talking, wanting to stay in this hazy bliss forever. 

He eventually fell back on the bed and pulled you to him. You lay on his chest, just breathing and being. Letting it wash over you. Safe in his arms, this chest, these shoulders - the only home you'd ever need. You watched as he lazily stroked up and down your back. His fingertips relishing the feel of your skin. 

'Dean? What the hell happened to your arm?' You asked. Suddenly noticing the raised red bump that looked like a blister in the shape of a 7 with two smaller lines beside it. There was something ominous about it that set you on edge, and you knew immediately that it wasn't there by accident. 'Did someone try and fucking brand you? What is that?'

'It's - ah.' Just at that moment, room service knocked on the door.

'I'll get it - you stay there.' He muttered, clearly grateful for the interruption, pulling on his jeans and shirt as he made his way across the room.

'Dean?' You demanded, as soon as the door closed. 'New rule. We don't wait or keep things from each other anymore. You tell me everything that's going on, I do the same and we work it out together.' 

He looked over at you like he wanted to do anything but tell you what was going on, sighing in defeat.

'Ok Rookie. But let's eat first. Please?' He said, setting down the tray. 'We've got lots to talk about, but I can't do it on an empty stomach, and you've worn me out, woman.' He grinned that cheeky sexy fucking grin at you, pulling you into a kiss and you caved.

'Ok, food and shower first. But you're telling me everything, Winchester. I mean it.' You sighed, wondering what you were in for now.

*

You finished breakfast and had a shower while Dean made some calls. You had no choice but to put the hospital garb back on, Dean not having bought any spare clothes with him either.

'What are you going to do about all your stuff at Anne's?' Dean asked, looking away as you got dressed. Clearly trying to avoid being tempted by you again.

'I don't care.' You shrugged. 'I'll just get Charlie to help me clone my phone and laptop. No biggie.' 

'Uh yeah - good luck with that, she's uh - in Oz.' Said Dean, rubbing the back of his neck. 

'Like Australia?' You asked in surprise.

'No like the Wizard and Dorothy.' He grinned, filling you in on their little slumber party and wicked witch gankfest. 

'She came over to kick my ass about you -and then ended up following the yellow brick road.' Finished Dean. 'Not before telling me that you'd better be there by the time she got back of course.' He flashed you a sheepish grin.

'So that's why her phone was going straight to vm. I just figured she was on a hunt.' Your voice full of wonder. 'Man. I miss all the good hunts. How did Kevin cope with being chased by a wicked witch? Bet the bitchface moaning was epic.' You grinned, your smile faltering at the look on Dean's face.

'What? What's happened?' You asked, goosebumps breaking out all over your skin.

Dean gulped and stared at the ground.

'Dean?' 

'Yeah. Uh - I think I mentioned on the phone, things are bad Rookie.' He wiped his face, looking ashen. 

'I've fucked everything up - You, Sam, Kevin... Could have gotten Cass killed too.' He waved his hand, at a loss for words. 'That's why last night... before - I shouldn't have. Us. I can't. I'm sorry.' His eyes blank with pain and starting to fill with tears.

You took his hand and squeezed it.

'Hey. Take a breath.' You soothed, bringing him over to the bed to sit down, resting your hand on his shoulder. 'Start from the beginning.'

You watched him gather himself, unable to meet your eyes as he explained how immediately after the trials to open the gates of Hell, Sam had collapsed outside the abandoned church and Dean had rushed him to hospital. How the doctors had said he wasn't going to survive... And how in desperation, Dean then allowed an angel he thought was Ezekiel, inside Sam's body to heal him - without Sam's knowledge or consent. That same angel advising they keep it a secret so he could work to heal Sam without Sam expelling him before the healing was complete. Dean had checked with Cass first, and on hearing that Ezekiel was a good angel, he had trusted him, tricked Sam's unconscious mind into letting him in... only it ended up being some lying little shithead called Gadreel, who was now working with Metatron. 

Your mind working overtime to absorb the information as you tried to understand and comprehend the last several weeks and why Sam had seemed off at times. Your breath catching and faltering as he told you about Kevin's death at Gadreel's hands whilst using Sam as some sort of awful puppet.   
Your heart breaking as you listened. Charlie away in Oz, Kevin dead, Dean all alone and holding him, some loose cannon fucking angel having taken off in Sam's body, Cass out there powerless and you gone, Dean thinking you hated him.  
Tears streaming down your face as Dean took all the responsibility, and piled it upon himself. Torturing himself once again - using you all to do it. 

You could feel the sadness as he spoke about his argument with Sam and Cass once Gadreel had been found and eventually evicted from Sam's body. His decision to leave them both because he believed he was no good for any of you. Managing to keep your face impassive when he talked about working with Crowley and meeting Cain, gaining the mark so he could kill Abaddon, making it clear the depths of self-loathing and lack of self-care he had sunk to in such a short period of time without either you, Sam, Cass or Charlie to anchor him. Realizing the last thing he needed right now was more recrimination.   
  
'Wow. You have had a busy three weeks - hate to see what you'd have done in a month without me.' You teased, sighing softly as you gently kissed his temple, putting your arms around him, nearly losing your balance as he pulled away quickly and stood.

'No. I don't deserve your kindness.' He growled. 'I fucked up monumentally. Hurt all of you. Everyone I love. I'm a fucking liability. I deserve nothing. You heard the part where I got Kevin killed right? Where the angel I tricked Sam into allowing into his body - killed Kevin... like burnt his fucking eyes out and roasted him alive before taking off with Sam. That I had to tie my brothers body down, poke his head full of holes and let the King of Hell jailbreak him from the inside to get that fucker Gadreel out of him, and then allow Crowley to go free as a godamn thank you - because I fucked up yet again.' He yelled. 

'What I heard is that you wanted to heal your brother. Ok, maybe you should have let him go, let him die - maybe that's the noble thing, but would I have done the same if it was you? Absofuckinglutely.' You shrugged.

'Rookie, you making the same bad decisions as me is all the more reason we shouldn't be together.' He snarled, shaking his head.

'My point is, you made some bad decisions.' You whispered, moving to rest your hands on his shoulders and push him back down on the bed. 'but you couldn't have known the outcome. Gadreel might have just been Zeke and healed Sam. The consent thing is an issue, but it's not tantamount to murder. You didn't kill Kevin.' 

'Yeah? And your stepfather?' He put his head in hands, unable to look at you. 

'Well. He had it coming.' You shrugged, feeling him stiffen.

You got down on your knees in front of him.

'I'm so sorry for what I said. What happened in that hotel room. I was in shock and I was traumatized and it all came out on the nearest and dearest person to me. I had to do a lot of unpacking of some very repressed crap, but out of it came this.' You lifted his chin and looked into his eyes, the green hue cloudy with self-doubt and recrimination.

'I love you, Dean Winchester. I love our lives. I love hunting. And I love killing bad things. At the end of the day - my stepfather was a bad thing. What I couldn't deal with in that moment - the reason I lashed out at you was because I couldn't fix his badness... My whole life I thought that was my purpose, the reason I existed - to fix and heal him and my Mom. That the way they loved me was how I deserved to be loved, that on some level what they both did - how they treated me was ok. That night brought it all up, showed me that was wrong and I got overwhelmed.' 

'Baby that's why you need to stay the fuck away from me. I'm poison. I did that. I triggered that crap.'

'Well, that's what loving someone does. It triggers your crap so you can see it, heal it. Work through it and let it go.' 

You stroked his face. 'But it also showed me what real love is. When someone cares for you so much, it makes them crazy with the need to protect you. That I actually was worth protecting despite what I'd grown up believing. I can't tell you how much freer I feel inside. Would it have been my choice to find this freedom that way? No. But I have and that's all that matters. Things are really clear for me now Dean.'

'It sounds nice baby, but you were right that night - I'm not a hero. I'm a fucking killer. A monster - just as bad as those things we hunt. Worse because I think I'm doing good, but really I'm just doing whatever I the fuck I want and pretending its to protect the people I love... but all I do is hurt them.'

'No. That's not all you do. Its not the sum total of you.' You admonished him. 'You've made some mistakes, but it's not all that you are and it doesn't define you.'

'Oh but it does Rookie.' His face cold as he stood and opened the hotel room door. 'That's why I deserve everything that comes with this Mark. And why you and Sam and everyone else needs to be as far away from me as possible.' 

'You can't push us away Dean.' You said, standing to move in front of him. 'I'm back, I'm here and I'm not leaving you again.'

'Let's just get going.' He said, shaking his head at you when you refused to move. 'Please? We've got a long drive, then we need to swap cars at the airport. Let's just head out.' His voice flat.

You pulled him into an embrace that he didn't return.

'We'll work it out. The Mark, everything. I promise.' You said, eventually releasing him and holding your hand against his temple. His eyes sad and resolute as they looked down at you. 

'You'll see Dean Winchester. You promised me forever - and you're not getting out of it just because of some low self-esteem and a stupid ancient tattoo. You hear me?' 

* *

The night air was damp and chilly as Dean pulled up outside the bunker. On the drive back you had told him about your many insights and discoveries during therapy, why him truly loving and caring for you was so difficult to accept, why it freaked you out so much. He was silent for much of it, occasionally putting his hand on your thigh in reassurance or letting you rest your head on his leg, stroking your hair as he drove, one of your little rituals that was always calming.

He got out to open your door and carry you to the entrance because you still had no shoes, pushing it open and giving you a kiss on the forehead, leaving you standing in the doorway.

'This is your home. Sam and Cass will look after you.' He rumbled, turning to walk away.

'Wait. You're fucking leaving?' You demanded, grabbing his arm. 'Just abandoning me here by the godamn door? Not even coming inside to discuss this?'

'Yes, I'm leaving.' He growled. 'You ended up in a fucking locked ward because of me Rookie. A fucking mental institution.' He spat. 'That's what loving me does. That's what being around me does. I'm just lucky that you're still alive.' He ran his hand through his hair, his eyes pleading with you to understand. 'Fuck. You're... I need to stay the fuck away, Rookie. Especially now I've got this shit on my arm. Because I won't be responsible for your death or hurting you again. I can't be.' He choked, motioning to the bunker behind you.   
  
'You stay here with them. The three of you - you look after each other.' 

'And you - you'll what? Hunt on your own? Never see the people that love you again? You think nothing will happen to me? That Abaddon or Crowley or some random ghost won't try to fuck with me simply because you're not here?' You yelled. 'You told me to stop blaming myself for things that aren't my fault - well right back at you Dean.' 

'It's not the same.' He said softly, shaking his head and pulling you in for a gentle kiss, his hands holding you still, cupping your face. His lips apologetic on yours, the goodbye that was implicit making you close your eyes and arch your back in denial, pushing your body into his, trying to force him to claim you, own you like he always did when he kissed you. 

Your breath catching in disbelief as he stepped back, wiping a tear that slid down his face and giving you a sad smile before turning toward the impala. His shoulders resolute as he walked away. 

'No.' You whispered, as he started the car. 'Not after everything. Don't leave now. I'm better now. We can fix this. We love each other.'

But he was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **These Arms of Mine - Otis Redding ******  
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) // [ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsEA_36sSGE)  
> Bonus -[ Dirty Dancing scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eE-oj1Lg_E) with Baby & Johnny when its playing in background (Johnny has got some Dean vibes going on too).
> 
> GIF: DEAN WINCHESTER CRYING GIF TUMBLR
> 
> ****


	12. Wish You Were Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been awhile. Still not terribly well, this thing is lingering, but feeling better and writing this is good distraction. Have added extra chapters because there's more story to tell. Also watching season 9 again - there was a lot going on and some key elements to include.. and I'd forgotten how angry Sam is at Dean. We're defintely camped out in angst town for a little bit longer.  
> Take care of yourselves - it's rough out there atm. AKF 😘💙

**[WISH YOU WERE HERE](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) ** _**  
  
  
So, so you think you can tell** _  
_**  
Heaven from hell** _  
_**  
Blue skies from pain** _  
_**  
Can you tell a green field** _  
_**  
From a cold steel rail?** _  
_**  
A smile from a veil?** _  
_**  
Do you think you can tell?** _

**  
PINK FLOYD**

You walked down the stairs, Sam looking up in surprise as you came through the door, tears streaming down your face.

'Hey, hey are you okay? What happened?' Sam asked, running forward to hug you.

You hadn't really messaged each other over the last few weeks or spoken since the night at the hotel. You knew now it was because he was dealing with being hi-jacked by an angel, lied to by his brother and the ensuing fallout including Kevin's death - and you, well you'd been busy with therapy and being held in a locked hospital ward.

'Yes. No. He left me, Sam. Just dumped me at the godamn doorstep and left because he thinks he's poison. Thinks he's responsible for every friggin thing that goes wrong around here.'

'Annoying isn't it.' Agreed Sam, pulling back to raise an eyebrow at you. The edges of a smirk on his lips.

'You talking about me or him?' You breathed, wiping the tears from your face and pulling off Dean's jacket. Throwing it to the ground in annoyance.

'Both of you.' He murmured, looking you up and down, taking in the hospital issue clothing and bare feet. 'What uh - what's with the outfit?'

'Well let's just say therapy got more extreme than I expected, and Dean had to come get me.' You replied, clearing your throat. 'Do we have any beer? I need a fucking beer.'

You walked into the kitchen with Sam close behind.

'They locked you up?' Asked Sam incredulously, taking the beer you offered him from the fridge and sitting at the table with you. 

'Long story short.' You nodded and smiled scornfully. 'Don't trust people Sam, especially therapists.'

'Or brothers.' He grumbled, making a face and taking a large gulp of beer.

'Yeah, I heard about that.' You glanced over at him. 'You okay?'

'Define okay.' Frowned Sam. 'I can't stop seeing it - my hands killing Kevin. And the dumb thing is - I knew something was off. I'd lose time, and just didn't feel right... and Dean would fucking tell me it was fine, like I was crazy, but he knew the whole godamn time.' He shook his head and cleared his throat, taking another sip of beer. 'Did you ever notice anything? Did he tell you?' He asked, his eyes locking on you, pinning you down.

'I noticed a couple of times that you weren't ... yourself. But it was literally a minute or two and I just put it down to recovering from the trials. I had no idea otherwise.'

'Yeah. Seems like Dean was keeping us all in the dark about one thing or another. Nothing unusual there.' Sam scowled, sipping his beer and glancing away.

You nodded and sighed, your own beer stopping midway to your mouth as a thought suddenly occurred to you. 

'So - uh, the night at the hotel..' You began. 'Was that - uh, you? Or Gadreel stirring things up?'

Sam's eyes flicked back to yours, guilt flashing in their hazel depths.

'I'd love to blame him.' He grimaced. 'But no, that was me. Just me.' His voice dropping to a whisper.

'Oh.' You murmured awkwardly, having started the conversation, you now had no idea where to go with it, grateful when Sam immediately changed the subject.

'So uh - what happened with your therapy? How did it go so wrong?' He asked, leaning forward.

'I blabbed about the family business... FYI - bad idea.' You rolled your eyes and shrugged. 'But that aside, I shifted and dealt with a lot of crap, realized it wasn't so much that I was mad at Dean, but more that I was super pissed at my Mom - and had been for a long time. That she and my stepfather really weren't good people, and I had been afraid to face it. Once I could see it all clearly, it was easy to forgive Dean.' You looked down at your beer and began peeling the label. '...But of course, Dean can't forgive himself.' 

'Nor fucking should he.' Sam replied, knocking back the last of his drink and rising to grab another from the fridge. Putting an extra one in front of you as he took a large gulp and sat back down.

'Come on Sam, you can't be that angry at him for wanting to save you. He loves you. We all do, and we want you alive - is that so wrong?'

'No, don't you see?' He exclaimed. 'He just can't stand the thought of losing more people - what he did was for him. I was ready to go. Did he tell you that?' Sam muttered, his eyes hard. 'It was the same with your stepfather, and now this stupid Mark. He goes off half-cocked and doesn't think shit through.' He took another swig of his beer, annoyed.

'You're right - he thinks with his heart, and he did exactly what he's been programmed to do his whole life - keep you safe. He thinks it's his only purpose and reason for existing, so yes he makes dumb reckless decisions, because the only value and sense of worth your father ever instilled in him for his existence was looking after you and saving others.' You sighed. 

'That's always his excuse. Doing it for family. "It's my job to look after you Sammy" - but he's not a grunt soldier blindly following Dad anymore.' Barked Sam, exasperated. 'He should fucking take responsibility and stop thinking that he can do whatever he wants and use family as the reason.' Flicking his beer bottle top across the room with a sigh.

'Sorry, Sam - but I can't agree with you on this, the last thing he needs with that shit on his arm is more recrimination. He needs our forgiveness, he needs our love and our help.' You said emphatically, reaching across to touch his hand.

Sam looked down, taking your hand in his and shaking his head with a sad smile as he got up from the table.

  
  


'You have such a kind heart... but I'm not ready for that yet. He's pulled this shit too many times and I'm not sure I can trust him.' He cleared his throat and looked down at you, his eyes softening. 'And I'm not so sure he deserves you anymore. And I'm definitely not willing to stand back and let him lie or hurt you again. You're too good a person for that.' He added, stroking your cheek, drinking you in, his breath close. 

'His judgment is way off and now he's got that mark on his arm... If and when he does show up again, I'll be watching him.' 

He reached down and softly kissed your forehead, your eyes going wide as he did so. 

'And if he fucks up, just know that I won't stand be standing aside for him next time. If he doesn't treat you right, I'll do everything I can to show you that I will.' He finished, his hand trailing down your arm, taking his beer, and leaving you sitting at the kitchen table speechless. 

*

The following morning you were in the library when Sam came in, his duffle bag in hand.

'Hey, want some coffee?' You offered, keen to ensure there was some normalcy between the two of you. Basically putting his declaration from the previous evening down to frustration with Dean and pretending he didn't say anything out of the ordinary. Especially not that if his brother fucked up again, he was going to try and win you away from him. Definitely not that, because that would be you know - weird and awkward. 

'I'm good.' He responded with an easy smile. 'I have a lead on a case in New Mexico if you want to come with?' He offered, indicating his bag.

'Thanks but I have some things I need to sort out - new laptop, phone, if I'm listed as a fugitive, what the hell I'm going to do about your pig-headed brother.. you know. Small stuff.' You smiled, weakly. 

'Ok. Well keep in touch and take care of yourself. Call me if you need me.' He said, kissing your cheek and laying a reassuring hand on your shoulder, lingering only a second or two longer than he should have, and then he was gone. 

* * *  


'Well, well. New number - who dis?' He said as you logged into the encoded chat space you used, switching to audio immediately.

'I know. I'm sorry - I've been a little busy.' You sighed, unsure where to start.

'I saw that. Locked hospital ward, suspicion of psychotic break, believing in monsters, a missing stepfather, and a boyfriend who may or may not be imaginary.' He reeled off with glee.

'You've been keeping tabs on me D?' You asked, not entirely surprised, it was what he did after all.   
  
You had a series of contacts who were fairly dark and deep in many things, and generally able to help with a number of challenges - hopefully including tracking someone who, to the modern world, shouldn't really exist. One particular contact - Dartagnan, was always the most fun and the most helpful. You had never met in person, but talked in encoded chat spaces, spending many hours sharing information, stories, and laughter. He had helped you with a few things, but mostly you used to like to run random brainstorms and thoughts past each other, about the tech world, the ancient world, mythology, spirituality. He was a lover of history and theories, be they conspiracy or string. You knew he'd wondered why you'd gone so quiet on him, you'd barely had contact more often than once a month since you'd started hunting, and your requests were odd when you did, your thoughts and theories subdued lest you accidentally give anything away. 

'Like to know my girl Rapunzel is safe.' He purred, using your code name - neither of you ever using your real names with each other. 'And you Princess - have been anything but. Wanna share with the class?' 

'Depends on what you want to know and how much you'll believe.' You grinned. You had dropped some hypotheticals on him a few times over the last year on the occasions you had caught up, knowing he'd be a useful contact and delighted by the prospect of the supernatural, but you were also concerned about bringing him into all this stuff, and afraid of giving anything away that would place the boys in danger.

'Gimme the wiki leaks. Full disclosure. I'm all ears Razzy P.' You could hear the chuckle in his voice. 'I'm pretty sure I've got the jump on where this is going, and my first question is - are dragons real? Have you met one? And can you hook me up?'

'Yes. No - but my imaginary boyfriend has, and they're mostly keen on virgins - do you qualify?' You teased.

'Damn. You're serious. It's for real?' He breathed.

'There's a lot of things that are for real... and none of the good stuff is actually good. Even godamn angels are mostly shitty.' You muttered.

'Get the fuck out. Angels?' He exclaimed.

'Angels, demons, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, fairies... I could go on.' Your voice trailing off.

'So your friend was really killed by a vampire?' He breathed.

'Wow. Did that godamn doctor just like type everything I fucking said into my records?' You scowled.

'Recorded it and uploaded the voice file. Guessing you didn't give permission for that though?' Dartagnan queried.

'Fuck no.' You frowned. 'I was told that he had experience with the supernatural - which is why I opened my big mouth in the first place. Crap - how do we delete that shit?'

'Already done. I also closed the missing person case on your stepfather and erased all records of you being in that locked ward, and all the online files Anne has on you. You is squeaky Rapunzel, you can let that hair down all you want.' He chuckled.

'Awww. You're the best D. Frigging love your work.' 

'Yeah. yeah. No smultz. Just send me cash.' You could hear the grin in his voice. You know he did it as a favor, but you were more than happy to pay him for it, making a mental note to wire some money to the usual account. 

'And uh - tell me the rest of the story, cause to say I'm intrigued is a fucking understatement.' He replied.

'You sure you want to hear it all? Sometimes it's safer to be civilian stupid.' You murmured. 

'Oh hell no. Princess I already know that the Emperor ain't wearing clothes and the mighty Oz ain't no wizard. Now vampires and dragons are real? - I need the low down.' He rumbled, making you laugh. Wait till you told him Oz was real and one of your friends - who was also dating a fairy, was currently hanging out there with Dorothy. 

'Seriously though D - there's some scary fucked up shit that could put you in danger. With what I'm about to tell you - I need you to be as careful as fuck. And you'll need to agree to some rules.'

You had to think outside the box, but you chanted an exorcism before continuing, just to be sure he wasn't already a demon. Then you sent him through a copy of the protection symbol, with him agreeing to do 3-D print out of it attaching it to leather straps he was already wearing on his wrist. He switched to video and held it up to screen as proof, keeping his face hidden as usual, naturally avoidant of keeping a record of it online anywhere. 

Feeling like it was a secure as you could be, you sent him files on devil traps, angel sigils, and uses for salt and holy oil. Plus a crap tonne of reference files and information before telling him about the current situation with the angels falling, demons, Crowley, Metatron and Abaddon - and the Mark of Cain. You didn't mention Gadreel or what had happened with Sam.

'Jesus fucking Christ Rapunzel. That's a lot. Have to say - I like the way this imaginary boyfriend of yours rolls. He's not the fucking quiet, stay home type is he?' 

'No.' You laughed, appreciating that Dartagnan had not dropped Dean's name once, even though he obviously heard it on the audio from your session. 'He's not that.' 

'You tell him from me - good work on your stepfather. I know you were conflicted, but I heard what he did, that fucker should have been put down years ago. I'll be happy to help you find Cain and try and help him out with the Mark.' He grinned.

'Ok but 100% stealth and dark cover on this shit. I'm not even kidding - cover your tracks and cover them again. Trust no one - test everyone, your life literally depends on it.' You warned, reminding him of who Crowley had working for him to help Dean find Cain in the first place, that angels and demons were everywhere and had infiltrated nearly all places and spaces imaginable.

'I got it. Paranoia is my jam. Just makes the challenge even more fun.' He smirked, his brain already working on virtual ways to test and encode his new knowledge to protect you both from angel and demon eyes online. 'And hey - thanks Rapunzel. For trusting me with all this. I get how big of a deal it is but man its cool as fuck and I'm honored. Truly.'

'No - thank you D. I mean it. I'm gonna worry about you now and question whether I've put you in fricken mortal danger, but there's no one I'd rather have on my team.'

You sighed after you logged off. Had you just made a huge mistake? Trusting Anne had gone so fucking horribly wrong. Then again Dartagnan was definitely no Anne and there was no way you could do this alone. You'd just have to hope that this was a good call.

* * *

A few days later Sam returned, surprisingly with Dean in tow. You were sitting at one of the tables in the library, doing further research on Cain and the Mark when they walked in. Your heart pounding at the sight of him like it always had, but this time there was fear and uncertainty in the mix. You had no idea what him being there meant, your pulse racing as Sam gave you a hello hug.

'So I mentioned in my text that I'd picked up a second case after the first one, and it turned out to be Garth.' Said Sam, outlining the details, your eyes widening as you learned that he was married and a werewolf now, living happily ever after as part of an animal eating pack in Wisconsin. 

'Dean was uh - there already, working the case too.' Finished Sam, giving you a significant look, and Dean, who had remained silent the whole time, a hard stare. 

'If you need me, I'll be in my room.' 

You nodded as he gave your shoulders a squeeze, picking up his bag and heading down the corridor. The room was quiet after he left. Dean standing across the table from you, unsure and sheepish, but still defiant.

'So... you're back?' You asked, eyeing the duffle in his hand.

'Uh, yeah. Sorta. Sammy and I aren't - well, he's still pissed. Said he'll work with me but 'we're not brothers' whatever that means, so uh. I guess I'm here until we go out on the next case.' He shrugged.

'And us?' You asked, too tired to skirt around it. 

'Umm.' He breathed. 'I still mean what I said. It's too dangerous for us to be together. You're not safe around me... I can't..' He finished awkwardly, guilt and sadness sweeping through him, but his stance unyielding.

'So we're all hunting together, but Sam's not your brother and we're not lovers.' You rolled your eyes at his logic, wondering if he even knew how little sense it made. 'Kinda like you're here - but not really. Got it. Right. Okay.' You exhaled deeply, rubbing your eyes. You were too exhausted to argue, and you knew that stubborn set of his jaw, the head tilt. Logical or not, he wasn't about to change his mind. 

'Well my stuff is in your room, so I'll - uh need to..' You began to move towards the library steps.

'Leave it. I'll sleep in one of the other rooms.' He mumbled, waving you away, looking sad once again. Apologetic. 

'Whatever. It was your room first, I'll move back to my old one tomorrow.' You shrugged, sitting back at the table, returning to your books. 

He remained there, staring, watching you, his mouth opening to say something, then closing it again. Wanting to say more. Surprised and sad that you weren't fighting him harder, that you seemed resigned, accepting. Terrified he'd really lost you this time, that your resignation was real and you'd decided to let him go... even though he knew it was better for you to move on.

  
  
'Right. Well, I'm going to grab a shower.' He muttered, his voice cracking a little. You nodded and kept your head down, only looking up to watch him once he was no longer looking at you. By the time he reached the corridor, unable to stop himself turning back once more, your eyes were back on the books in front of you, missing the tear that rolled down his face. 

* * *

  
You woke early the next morning as usual. Ever since your initial training all those months ago, whenever you were back at the bunker you enjoyed waking up at 4am and either walking or doing some sort of outdoor exercise - you still did digging a few times a week and had ended up creating a vegetable garden with your efforts. It was your form of meditation, alone time to process whatever had been going on that week with the quiet of the dawn, before showering and then returning to bed with Dean around 6am. Snuggling into his warmth and his welcoming arms until inevitably one of you initiated sex. 

This morning the ritual was different, Dean was in the bunker but not in your bed. You noticed the kitchen light and wondered if he was in there. Not ready for an encounter this early, you decided to skip your usual coffee and just head outside. 

You had been outside for some time before a sense of unease settled over you, the stillness of the early morning undermined by the feeling of being watched. Realizing it must be Dean, you shifted so you could look around more easily, but the dark and pre-dawn shadows hid him from your view. You decided to ignore it and carry on, the garden and surrounding woods were warded as strongly as the bunker, so it was unlikely to be anyone or anything else. He knew your morning routine and if he wanted to torture himself by watching you, then it at least meant you might still have a chance to get through to him. You worked steadily for two hours, pretending you didn't hear the leaves rustle and door shift as you gathered your tools to put them away.   
  
You definitely didn't look towards the large industrial laundry basket when you showered, but you did take extra time to wash your hair slowly before your hands trailed your body, moaning as your fingers moved through your soft folds, being careful not to make it look like you were putting on a show. You wanted him to think he was being stealthy, but it was also easy to lose yourself in the moment, in the memories of all the times he'd touched and fucked you in this shower stall, your hands moving faster as you remembered how good it felt, your fingers working your g-spot harder until your saw stars, your breath coming out in gasps as you called his name, your hand resting against the shower wall as you came back from the release of the orgasm and landed in reality.   
You took a deep breath to choke back a sob, unable to stop yourself as you burst into tears, all of the want, worry, and loss of him hitting you hard. The thought that he might be a few feet away, wanting you enough to watch you - but not enough to be with you, suddenly more than you could bear. You leaned your forehead into the shower wall and let the tears come. You couldn't be sure but you thought you heard the door swing shut, which only made you cry harder. Sliding down the wall and onto the floor, sobbing until there were no tears left.

*

Thirty minutes later you had pulled yourself together, gotten dressed, and put some makeup on, looking vaguely normal as you headed to the kitchen. You heard the boys talking as you came round the corner and you pulled back, pausing in the corridor before entering.

'You been up all night?' You heard Sam ask.

'Yeah.' Said Dean. 'Didn't seem much point to going to bed - and you know, lots of research to be done anyway. Gadreel, The Mark, Metatron.'

'Huh. Didn't seem much point to going to bed? Or didn't seem much point going to bed without her?' Queried Sam.

'Back off Sam. If we ain't brothers, then you don't get to talk to me about her.' Snarled Dean.

'Whatever man, but if you want to hunt with us you're going to have to deal with it better than whiskey for breakfast, research, and not sleeping.' Sam's voice was neutral.

'Oh now its "with us"? So you and Rookie are 'letting me join you'?' He snarked.

'You asked to come back Dean.' said Sam, tension creeping into his voice. 

You decided now was probably the perfect time to interrupt.

'Morning.' You exclaimed brightly, stepping into the kitchen. Shocked how much effort it took to not walk across the room and kiss Dean hello. It was such an innate part of your interaction with him that, even though your mind knew better, your body memory was pulling you toward him like a magnet. You hurried to the coffee machine to give yourself something else to do. 

You noticed Dean gulp, his red-tinged eyes sweeping over you. Had he been crying too? Or was just lack of sleep? 

'Hey.' Said Sam, grabbing an extra bowl and bringing it over for you. 'How was the garden this morning?'

'Good. It's looking good. Still surprises me when things actually grow. I put some stuff over there to be washed that we can eat later.' 

'I - uh. I already washed it and put it away.' Replied Dean, taking another sip of whiskey and not looking at you directly.

'Oh. Uh. Thanks.' You murmured. Not entirely surprised because it was part of your old routine, but still taken aback, no idea how to negotiate this new normal with him. Especially not when he was stalking you and spying on you in the shower only half an hour ago.

'Yeah. Uh - anyway. I was just about to tell Sam here that I caught us a new case.' He replied, outlining the details of a 300lb man who had mysteriously died in his car, weighing only 90lbs when they found him. 'You guys keen?'

'Yeah ok. Sounds interesting.' Agreed Sam, rising to take his breakfast bowl to the sink.

'Great. Be ready to leave in twenty.' ordered Dean, taking charge, slipping back into old patterns. 

'Actually, I'll sit this one out.' You said, stopping both of them in their tracks, Dean literally mid-stride as he walked across the kitchen. 'I have some things to sort out still. Some meetings I agreed to and some info I have to get my head around.'

'Sure.' Mumbled Dean, not looking at you. 'Ok. Uh. I'll meet you at the car, Sam.'

'Is everything ok?' Sam asked after Dean left. 'Is it because of Dean? Don't let him push you out, we're a team.' He reassured you.

'It definitely doesn't help, I'm still getting used to - whatever ever this is.' You smiled sadly. 'But no. I do have some stuff to get done. I'll be on the next one though. Promise.' 

It was actually good that they were going to be away for a few days. Dartagnan had managed to track down a lead on Cain for you and you were keen to follow it up. 

Shortly after they left, you were finishing packing and you noticed the small suitcase in the corner of your room. The one you'd abandoned at Anne's when Dean had helped you escape out of the hospital. You opened it up to find your clothes, laptop, and phone inside. Still unsure of your communication with Dean, you snapped a picture of the suitcase and sent it to him with a series of question marks. Your phone pinging shortly after.

_'Yeah. Circled back after I left you and broke in while she was with a client. Hope I got everything.'_

You stared at your phone and then over to the suitcase. Collecting it would have been at least a 2-3 day detour. Fuck him. Not that you were trying, but how did he expect you to stop loving him when he pulled adorable shit like this. You replied with a simple but heartfelt thank you, surprised when your phone pinged again.

_'Not even close to payback for the crap I've put you through. x'_

The single kiss at the end of the text nearly broke you and you shook it off, zipping up your bag and looking around the room, taking a deep breath. 'Fuck I hope this works and I don't die, cause if I do he'll be really godamn mad at me.' You muttered to yourself, heading to the garage to take one of the spare cars.

* * *

'Foolish, beautiful, brave, and in love. My, my what a combination.' His rich voice behind you made you jump and whirl around. 

You were stood in front of Colette's headstone, Cain's long-dead wife. Dartagnan had helped you track the location, narrowing the approximate time frame of her death and her first name combined with proximity to Cain's (now empty) house, which you'd found by hacking Dean's phone to follow his movements whilst in Missouri. You had figured Cain would have some sort of supernatural alert on her grave, and you were counting on him being curious enough to show up and confront you. Now that he was here you were wondering if you were as smart as you thought you were, taking in his significant height and composure. He was distinguished and silver fox handsome, exuding barely contained power and simmering wrath, his penetrating stare intimidating as fuck.

'Whatever you've come to beg for, your visit is pointless, but I must admit I am intrigued.' He circled around you, holding you captive with his stare. His blue eyes piercing and dark with something you couldn't quite place. Fury? Disdain? Lust? 

'Dean had an edge of desperation when I met him. Heartbreak and self-loathing rolling off him in waves of anguish that only injuring someone you deeply love can cause. I'm guessing that was in no small part due to some sort of failure relative to you.' He surmised, gesturing towards you with a flourish.

You looked at him in surprise, not expecting him to be quite so perceptive.

He raised an eyebrow and grinned.

'You don't live as long as I have without learning some things - and your Dean is an interesting but easy read. Tortured hero, probably messed up doing something he thought was to keep you safe, but was really just indulging his own nature. Being a good little boyfriend is frankly at odds with his killer instinct. He's always going to fail miserably because let's face it...' His grin widening. 'No matter how much he wants it, a wife and quiet life was never on the cards for him. It's not in his bloodline. Men like us don't get what we want. We get bloodshed, violence, and a broken heart, that we hide and bury - with more bloodshed and more violence.' He stepped in, tilting his head to bring his lips close to your ear. His already considerable height and intimidating presence intensified with the proximity.

'And you my girl, would be wise to run. Get away while you can. Because that mark, my mark - it's dark, and it's thirsty. I bet the sight of you, hell even the thought of you wakes it up... makes it needy.' He emphasized the word needy, his breath close to your cheek.

It took all your strength to remain still, appear unfazed while you were quaking inside. This was Cain after all, an ancient evil being, Father of Murder and former Leader of the Knights of Hell. You had no doubt he knew exactly how afraid you were, but you decided to go with bravado anyway. 

'I'm not going anywhere. I love him and I'm here to find out how to help him.' You stated, with more assurance than you felt. 'Your wife - Colette. She, she helped you didn't she?' 

He growled low in the back of his throat.

'You heard how it ended for her, didn't you? Are you that foolish? Willing to sacrifice yourself?' He snarled, his face inches from yours.

'It's not about sacrifice.' You responded coolly. 'It's about helping Dean, keeping him sane until he can get that thing off his arm.'

His eyes bore down on you, staring into you, assessing, judging, intimidating, cold. You gulped, but didn't flinch under his scrutiny. 

'You have a pure soul. You try to see the good in people.' He glanced away, looking down at her headstone. 'She did also. But she was never a hunter. You're quite the little huntress now aren't you? So modern. Its very - appealing.' He grinned, raising an eyebrow.

'How, uh. How did she help you?' You asked. Determined to stay on track. 'Dean mentioned her presence enabled you to control the mark? Stay calm?' You knew you were walking on eggshells. Dean had also told you that Cain had gotten furious at the mention of her. That his heartache at Abaddon possessing her and leading Cain to kill her was still evident and raw during their encounter.

'Well.' He smirked, trailing his hand down your cheek, making your breath catch in fear. There was a sense of evil growing around his entire being, like it had been latent and was just waking up, moving slowly through him, turning him darker and darker in each moment. 

'I wouldn't call it 'controlling the mark' exactly.' He purred. 'More like sating it. Satisfying its hunger and cravings.'

You repressed a shiver, a prickle of fear creeping up and down your spine as he leaned in closer.

'You see the mark would call to her also. It increased her libido - sex became intense, almost violent if the blade was near.' He chuckled. 'Oh the depraved things that sweet girl would do... beg for.' He tilted his head, smelling your hair, his voice low and raspy. 'She loved to be dominated, fucked good and hard, and put away wet. She could calm me with a touch, but if the mark was needy and she gave in, let it tap into her basest desires - well. As time went on there wasn't much left that she wouldn't do for me, nor I her. It became that neither of us were in charge - each dominant or submissive depending on the need, the arousal. Our connection increased like no other, but sometimes the darkness of our desires, the perversion, the need for each other...' His hand stroked down your back and you flinched, freezing and holding your breath. 'It was really quite something.' He whispered, his voice thick with lust. 

'You don't strike me as innocent, but how far are you willing to go little one? To keep him calm? To satisfy the dark desires of the mark?' 

'I love him. I trust him. Dean would never hurt me.' You gulped, praying that Cain wasn't about to make sex with you part of some sort deal to free Dean. Wondering why the fuck you had thought coming here was a good idea.

'Really? Such blind faith, such love. It's impressive. He's a very lucky man.' His breath was hot on your cheek, making your knees shake. "You really would do anything for him wouldn't you?' He murmured. 'You will have to prove it.'

'Whaat?' You asked, beginning to tremble.

'Hmm. No - not to me, not like that.' He hummed. 'Though it is very tempting, and it would surely ensure that he keeps his end of the deal and returns to kill me.' His eyes sweeping you up and down appreciatively. 'I think you might have even considered it too if you had to - you love him that much. Sadly it is exactly that kind of love and sacrifice is likely to be the death of you.' 

'What do I need to do help him? To keep him calm? To get that damn thing off his arm?' You demanded, breath and courage returning to your body now you knew Cain wasn't going to force you to have sex with him.

'Whatever it wants.' He smirked. 'Dean is unlikely to be able to control it well at first, it'll take some practice and discipline - help him practice restraint with violence, but give him the darkness it wants via sex. And uh - don't be too alarmed.' He nodded, reading your response. 'You'll want it too. The darkness will seep into you and others around him. And if he ever takes possession of the First Blade - well, he'll start to turn. He'll need to touch it like an addiction, he'll yearn for it and he'll need you more than ever, but the dark power radiates. The purity of your soul will only get you so far. Be watchful.' 

His eyes roamed over you once more. 'You sure you're ready for this? Last chance Little huntress. No one will blame you if you run, least of all him.'

'I won't give up on him. I can't.' You said. Realizing there was no chance you would walk away from Dean, not now - not ever.

He turned to look at you.

'Then I wish you luck. You will need it in the dark days ahead. But know this - the Mark will not leave him. No matter how strong and brave your love. You may delay it's path a little, but it is with him forever.' He paused. 'And don't come here again. This place is sacred - it is not for visitors.'

You blinked and he was gone. The early evening air chilly as you became aware of your surroundings once more. You glanced down at the headstone.

'Geez, Colette. What the hell kind of funky shit did you two get up to?' You muttered. 'And what the fuck have I let myself in for?'

  
You headed back to the bunker, wishing for the millionth time that Dean was with you, that you could just talk to him. Unsure of how to convince him to let you back in so you could help him. Your favorite Pink Floyd song providing the theme tune to your anxiety as you drove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wish you were here - Pink Floyd  
> [ Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) // [ Music Video](https://youtu.be/_Iaw6rDLbMY)
> 
> Hashtag - One of my All time fave songs 🖤
> 
> GIF 1: Found on giphy but no source - it says Team-Caroline in watermark but couldn't find site. Happy to credit if anyone knows?  
> GIF 2 & 3: Both found on giphy - no credit I could see. Happy to update if anyone knows who they belong to.  
> ***
> 
> Thoughts on where the Mark is going to lead them?? ... How long it'll take Dean to give in?? He's pretty godamn stubborn.. 😁😁


	13. Poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sending love to you all. Stay safe out there x

[ **POISON** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)

_**I hear you calling and it's needles and pins  
** _   
_**  
I wanna hurt you,** _

_**just to hear you screaming my name  
** _   
_**  
Don't want to touch you,** _

_**but you're under my skin  
  
** _

  
_**..Poison, running through my veins...  
** _   
_**I don't wanna break these chains** _

**ALICE COOPER**

You arrived back from seeing Cain a day before the boys got back from their hunt, all of you in your rooms the following morning when the lights started flickering. You looked around, hearing them call to one another, coming down the corridor as you heard a salt shotgun go off, turning the corner to find Dean looking between you and Sam as he nodded.

‘Yep. Bunkers haunted.’ He growled. ‘Come on. Family meeting in the kitchen in five.’

You followed along behind him, raising an eyebrow. It was the term he always used for the three of you to talk, but you weren’t sure what you were anymore. Given he no longer wanted you as his girlfriend, you didn’t really feel like you qualified as family. Either way, with a ghost on the loose in the bunker, it probably wasn’t your biggest problem right now.

You sat in the kitchen next to Sam, taking some comfort in his reassuring presence as you helped make more salt shotgun pellets. Dean still making you feel jittery and sad every time you looked at him, his walls remained high, making it difficult for you to find a way to broach the topic of your meeting with Cain, helping him with the Mark or getting back together. 

You watched as the two of them argued about who the ghost could be, Dean unwilling to believe it could be Kevin, but the fact that there had been no other recent deaths in the bunker, the coffee pot's insistent dinging and a cup breaking at the mention of his name seemed to settle the issue.   
Over the next few hours, the three of you took turns watching the coffee pot for further signs of activity, the guilt and regret evident on Dean’s face as he took his turn. You stood in the corridor listening as he apologized to Kevin, getting a number of things off his chest that had clearly been weighing on him for a while. Shortly afterward you and Sam raced into the kitchen as the lights began flickering, watching in awe as Kevin materialized, bitching as he did so in true Kevin style, about getting stuck listening to yet another one of the boys' self-pity sessions. You nearly laughed out loud, happy to see him once again, and delighted that he was still the same Kevin you knew.   
Your heart broke to hear that he was stuck in the veil, along with everyone else who had died since the angels fell, all those souls left in limbo, unable to get into heaven. 

Putting personal differences aside, the three of you quickly agreed his request to look for his Mom Linda, who he had discovered was possibly still alive and being held somewhere by Crowley as leverage.

Despite the awkwardness between you and Dean, and the bickering between him and Sam, you managed to find her and bring her back to the bunker. If only to meet with the ghost of her son and take him home with her until he was able to get out of the veil and into heaven. You watched as Kevin said his thanks and goodbyes to you all, offering his forgiveness to the boys, who were, of course, reluctant to accept it, given that being forgiven was against some sort of godamn Winchester code.

‘Kevin, I’m so sorry that it ended like this.’ You said, your heart aching with sadness as you stepped forward, wishing you could hug him one last time.

‘Rookie – thanks for everything.’ He smiled sweetly at you. ‘Talking with you always helped. I wish you all the luck with these two clowns.’ 

He turned to join his Mom, pausing at the bottom of the stairs to look at Sam and Dean.

‘Guys – do me a favor? I've heard everything these last few weeks and all this drama – the fighting? It’s stupid. My Mom is taking home a ghost, but you’re all still here. Dean – you have the love of your life, who puts up with your dumb ass decisions and somehow still loves you, don't push her away.’ He looked over at you with a grin. ‘Not to mention I had to listen to months of the loudest sex two people can have – don’t make that for nothing, Dean - stop fucking it up.’  
  
You gave Kevin a grateful smile. It was wearing on you too, the constant sexual frustration and heartache of being around Dean was tough enough without Sam’s anger, not to mention Dean’s refusal to acknowledge you as anything other than another hunter, pretending that the three of you were just going to work cases together.

‘And Sam – you didn't kill me, that dickwad Angel did. You have your brother. You guys are lucky to have each other. So can you both just get the fuck over it? Please?’

Sam looked down clearing his throat. ‘Course. Promise.’

Dean shifted his eyes and mumbled the least convincing ‘Yeah’ you’d ever heard, moving forward to watch them walk up the stairs. 

Your eyes flicked between the two of them, annoyed. Hearing them both outright lie to Kevin was too much. You turned and quickly walked away as the door clanged shut, heading straight to the gym. Not seeing Dean stop outside the door a few minutes later. Watching sadly as you pounded and kicked the shit out of the punching bag, your headphones blaring angry rock music as you did so.

* * *

You kept as low profile as possible during the next hunt, avoiding getting pulled into the boys escalating hostility and the parallel issues played out by the annoying but also kinda sweet Ghostfacer guys, glad to get back to the bunker afterward where at least you could have some space when you needed it.   
  
While there was no actual specific argument between you and Dean, the air was thick with unresolved sexual tension and missing-each-other angst. You were doing your best to help with the Mark by not causing him further aggravation, but you could feel him watching you, just as your eyes would follow him whenever he wasn't looking, the blistering heat of need and desire between the two of you fairly tangible most of the time. You could see that even Sam, who had become master of ignoring your flirting, sex noises, and smut, was feeling uncomfortable with the longing looks, flare-ups, and edginess. Let alone the effect it was having on the two of you.

‘Do you have to do that?’ Dean sighed.

‘What?’

‘Bite your lip. Hold the pen near your mouth. Pout. It’s all fucking distracting. Could you just not?’ He grumbled. He was one to talk, just hearing his voice made you wet.

‘So don’t look at me. I can’t help it, and I’m certainly not doing it for your damn benefit. You’ve made yourself pretty clear about what you want and don’t want.’ You muttered.

Dean rolled his eyes, clenching his jaw as he went back to his book.

'I need to eat.' You declared, shoving your chair backward and heading for the kitchen, trying to mentally pour water on the fire in your veins that had been ignited yet again by knowing you were having an effect on Dean, that he still wanted you as much as you wanted him. Blindsided when you came back with a plate full of sandwiches to find Dean standing at the end of the table holding your laptop.

'Who the fuck is Dartagnan?' His face a mask of rage and jealousy.

'Why the fuck do you care?' You spat, the heat rising within you now threatening to become a volcano. Fighting with him had begun to feel like foreplay, only there wasn't any payoff. Aside from getting annoyed with you, he showed no signs of wanting to get back together or throwing you down on the nearest table.   
You snatched your laptop back from him, realizing as you did so that you'd left it open when you'd headed to the kitchen. Dartagnan must have started up a chat while you were gone. 

'You told me to move on remember? That we're not lovers. So I don't have to tell you shit about who I talk to.'   
  
You were mad. Furious. How fucking dare he push you away and still want to know everything. You were also raw with the need to touch him, fuck him ... it was driving you crazy and you were at breaking point.

'You don't want to be my boyfriend? You don't get to be jealous and keep tabs on me.'

'I'm not fucking jealous.' He exclaimed defensively, his voice low and tight. 'You have to be careful about who you talk to. He could be on anyone's team - Bartholomew, Abaddon, Metatron. Now ain't the time to be online dating sweetheart.'

'Yeah really.' You snorted.

'Oh, so your friends call you 'Princess' do they?' He snarled.

'Get fucked, Dean.' You snapped, unable to stay in the room any longer, the throbbing between your legs becoming too insistent to spend another minute in his presence. You gathered up your things, storming past Sam who flashed you a soft look, before staring daggers at Dean.

'What Sam?' Dean yelled as you headed down the corridor.

'You're an asshole, Dean.' You heard Sam reply as you slammed your bedroom door. 

*

'Hey.' You heard a gentle knock half an hour later. 'Rookie - let me in, please? I want - I want to apologize. This - the Mark, the sexual tension.. sometimes I lose my shit faster than I can think to stop it right now.' Dean's voice was pleading, gentle.

'So send me an email. Just be sure not to call me Princess. The guy who snoops on my privacy hates that.' You replied, continuing to read. The heat from your encounter earlier still simmering through you.

You heard a click, reminding you that it was actually completely pointless to lock a door in this place, given everyone's skill at picking them.

'I deserved that.' He said, opening the door tentatively. 'Can I come in?' 

'Well if the lock wasn't a clue, I'm not sure what is going to stop you now.' You muttered, eyes on your book, trying to ignore your pussy as it began to throb once more.

'I'm really sorry about Dartagnan.' He said, crossing his arms and leaning against the dressing table. 'When I calmed down a bit I remembered you talking about him being an internet spook friend a few months ago... that your code name with him is Rapunzel, and sometimes he calls you Princess.' He admitted.

'Good for you. So we've established I'm not on Tinder trying to hook up with potential angels or demons. That all?' You asked, still not looking up. Too wound up to give him a break. You could feel the last of your pretense and control leaving you - the nearness of him, so fuckable, so damn hot, you couldn't take it anymore. 

'Uh.' He stumbled, unsure what to say next.

'Great. Because as you've observed - being around each other causes a fuckload of sexual tension - that I now need to relieve.' You sighed, throwing your books aside and reaching into your drawer for your vibrator.   
  
'And if you don't intend on helping, then you should probably leave.' 

'Fuck Rookie.' He gulped hoarsely, eyeing you and the vibrator. 

'This ain't a show Dean. Participants only.' You threatened, pushing your jeans down and throwing off your tank top. You could see out the corner of your eye that he seemed frozen to the spot. You decided to continue, hoping he'd be unable to control himself and join in, knowing it was unlikely, but you were too keyed up and on edge to care. 

You pulled your panties aside and rubbed the tip against your clit for a few seconds, hearing his gasp over your own as you slid it straight in with no further prep, showing him just how wet and needy you were. You closed your eyes and arched your back, turning it up to full, taking it as deep as you could, none of it coming close to the places he could reach. Keeping your eyes closed as you began pushing it in and out, rolling your hips invitingly, making the noises he loved, aching all over, burning for his hands, his lips, his cock. Pointlessly pretending it was him.

After a few minutes, you realized he wasn't going to touch you. Annoyed and angry, you lost yourself in the sensations, fucking yourself harder with it than you ever had before, bathed in sweat and cumming several times before you felt even close to satisfied. Unsurprised when you finally opened your eyes to find yourself alone in your room, the door firmly shut once again.

'Fuck'. You muttered with a frustrated groan. 'Fucking godamn you Dean Winchester.' 

* * *

A few days later found the three of you out on a case a couple of states over. You and Dean were at the Sheriff's office in your Fed suits, you taking the lead on asking the questions, laughing at the Sheriff's terrible jokes appreciatively and sitting at an angle so your skirt rode up slightly, having noticed him staring at your legs. You could feel Dean fuming but frankly, you didn't care, you got the info you needed and that was all that mattered really.

‘What the fuck was that?’ Dean demanded as you headed back to the car.  
  
‘What?’ You snapped.

‘That bullshit with the Sheriff just now? You practically sat in his lap and rode him. You that desperate for attention Rookie?’

Fuck him. You spun on your heel and slapped him hard across the face. Your eyes flashing with anger and your palm stinging. Wishing as soon as you did it that you’d punched him instead. 

‘I don’t belong to you – remember? So I’ll talk however I want. Fuck whoever I want and ride whoever I damn well want, whenever I godamn want to.’ You snarled, pointing your finger into his chest. Visceral with heat, longing, and frustration.

Without warning, he grabbed your wrist, pushing you up against the wall, pinning your arms, his breath hot on your cheek. His body pressed against yours, locking you in.

‘No. You’re fucking mine.’ He snapped, kissing you hard, taking your breath away, bruising your lips, his hard cock grinding against you. You were immediately undone, all resistance gone as the two of you melted into each other, your head spinning with lust, your hips bucking up with need. The dull ache you felt for him daily - now razor-sharp and moving through you like a drug in your bloodstream, not caring where you were, only wanting more. If he had pulled your panties aside and thrust inside you right there outside the Sheriff's office, you would only have opened your legs wider, screaming his name as he slid his cock deeper.  
  
Instead, you felt the jolting loss of him as he suddenly pulled back.

'Fuck. I'm sorry. I should have never... ' He looked at you in horror, shocked at his loss of control. 'Sorry. I know you're not uh - mine anymore. Here you take the car, I'll uh. I'll meet you back at the motel. I need to take a walk.'

He handed the keys to you, leaving you panting against the wall in disbelief as he walked awkwardly away. 

*

In a way that had become typical for the two of you lately, it wasn't discussed again. When you wrapped up the case the following day, Sam suggested a drink at a local bar to celebrate and let off some steam. Likely hoping to relieve some tension before hours of being trapped in the car with two of you. 

They were sharing a room and you had one to yourself. You decided as you dressed to provoke Dean a little. Your body still tingling and on edge from the Sheriff's office, giving you a reason to still hope there was still a chance with him. You were done with waiting for him to see sense, if it took him getting jealous to want you, then you'd work with that instead.   
  
As always you had brought a black fitted dress in case there was ever an event on the case that required you dressing up. It was supposed to be worn with a high neck and a low v down the back, making it sexy but demure with a hint of back skin. You realized if you turned it around and didn't wear a bra, it became smoking hot, open all the way down to your sternum. You scrunched up the full-length sleeves to give it a more casual look and pulled the skirt up so it sat mid-thigh, adding ankle boots, your favorite jewelry, and some red lipstick, messing your hair a little just as Sam knocked to tell you they were ready. 

'Wow.' He said as you emerged, causing Dean to turn around. You noticed his green eyes widen and his jaw drop, drinking in your cleavage and legs. If you wanted his attention, you definitely had it. He stared slack-jawed for several seconds before scowling.

'Sure you don't wanna flash your tattoo as well? - give the full fucking show for free?' He growled, referring to the fact your anti possession tattoo was inside your bikini line, next to your pussy.

'You look great.' Said Sam, giving Dean a warning look.

'Thanks, Sam.' You smiled, ignoring Dean completely. 'I felt like dressing up a bit. Its been a while since we've gone out for drinks.' 

You folded your legs into the backseat and sat behind Dean as he slammed the car door. Looking out the window and pretending not to notice that he was staring at you in the rearview mirror every few seconds, green eyes glinting as he ground his teeth and clenched his jaw.

*

The place was reasonably busy, the three of you standing at the bar while Dean ordered drinks when a tall good looking guy approached.

'Hi'. He said with a friendly smile.

'Hi'. You smiled back.

'I was wondering if I could buy you a drink maybe? Unless you're here with your boyfriend? He looked in the boys' direction.

'I don't uh - have a boyfriend.' You said, feeling Dean freeze beside you. 'But I'm good for right now. Maybe later?'

'Definitely. How about a dance?' He asked.

'Sure. Why not.' You grinned. 

The grin dropping a little as Dean slid your drink towards you without looking in your direction, heading over to the pool tables as you and Sam found a booth not far away. You watched him with sad eyes, noting that half the women in the bar suddenly took an interest in pool. 

'He'll come round.' said Sam with a reassuring smile. 'I'm surprised he's managed to stay away from you this long.' 

'Thought you weren't a fan?' You said, raising an eyebrow. The two of them still not back to their usual ease with each other, not to mention his statement that you'd been mentally ignoring about what he'd do if Dean fucked up with you again.

'Maybe not.' He shrugged, his eyes flicking over to the pool table. 'But my current feelings on Dean aside, you two clearly are not done, he's obviously still in love with you, you're still in love with him - and being around all this sexual tension and angst is getting to me.' He admitted.

You nodded slowly.

'Ok, so what about you Sam?' You probed, keen to change the subject. 'Any girls who take your fancy? How about I be your wing woman and we'll hook you up? Someone should fucking get some around here.'

'I'm okay.' shrugged Sam. 'This isn't usually my kinda place to meet someone.'

'I know, but I need a distraction and given we all agreed not to discuss Abaddon, Metatron, the Mark, Gadreel or Kevin tonight - and I don't want to talk about me and Dean, what do you suggest we do?' 

Sam shook his head and laughed. 'Shots?'

'Shots it is.' You replied.

Forty minutes later you were multiple shots in, and despite finding a pretty girl for Sam to talk to, things were not going so well for you. Dean was literally surrounded by women, who - even with his charm working at half its usual capacity, were clearly besotted. He wasn't really doing anything to encourage them, but he wasn't discouraging them either, and based on what Cain had said and the last few days, you knew his sex drive had to be doing a number on him, wearing him down.   
Maybe you should let him have this, maybe it was time to move on, you thought with a sigh. Maybe both of you fucking random strangers would put the distance between you that he was so godamn desperate for. You couldn't force him to be with you, and you were sure all you were currently doing is aggravating the Mark. You slipped out of the booth to give Sam and the girl he was talking to some privacy, but were slightly at a loss as to where to go next, when the guy from earlier appeared.

'Hey, any chance of that dance now?' He asked.

'Sure.' You smiled, anything to get out of the headspace you were in. You glanced over, Dean was absorbed with one of the women who was pretending she didn't know how to play pool. You shook off the icicles of jealousy running down your spine as an old Alice Cooper track came on the jukebox. The lyrics reminded you too much of Dean and the Mark right now, but you lost yourself in the music, letting the alcohol overtake you as you began to dance sensuously, rolling your hips and running your hands over your body and flicking your hair like you were in an 80s rock music video. Unaware that a number of men had stopped or turned to watch you, not caring either way as you drunkenly sang along, thinking of the poison that was Dean and the Mark, wondering if he felt the same way about you, if you were like poison to him now. 

'Wow, you are hot as fuck. How do you not have a boyfriend?' exclaimed the guy who had asked you to dance, drawing you closer as a slower song came on. 

'Long story.' You replied breathlessly, letting yourself be pulled in, your eyes drifting to Dean, wondering if he'd noticed, but as you looked over he turned his body to face the woman next to him, deliberately blocking you out. You shook off the visual and went back to the guy you were dancing with, not seeing Dean moving back to watch you once again.   
  
He was still talking to the women at the pool table, but he noticed, he'd noticed everything. And he knew what you’re doing – course he did. He saw how your eyes lit up when he pinned you against the wall at the Sheriff's office, felt you trembling against him. He knows you’re trying to get him to react, throw you against the wall, any fucking wall and take you, make you his again. He wants to do it too, throw you against the wall, own you, but more than that he wants to rip the guy that's touching you limb from limb. He knows you're doing it to get his attention and he should ignore it - and yet he can’t help it. Everything in him is going nuts and the Mark is starting to cause normal thought patterns to fritz, like his brain is trying to white out. He shook his head trying to clear it. 

You hadn't looked at Dean for a few minutes, but the dancing with random guy was slowly getting more heated when someone suddenly grabbed your arm.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ Sam exclaimed, waving his hand toward your dance partner. ‘You wanna get this guy and every other guy in here looking at you killed? Because Dean is about three seconds away from losing his shit and you know what he’s capable of. I thought you wanted to help with the Mark - not make things worse?’ Sam snapped, exasperation and fear all over his face.

You gulped. Immediately stepping away from the guy you'd been dancing with.   
  
You looked over at Dean, meeting his eyes, danger and rage radiating off him. He had moved away from the women he'd been talking to and was clearly at boiling point, pool cue held sideways in his hands, ready to be snapped in half and used as a weapon. Sam was right, you had been so focused on getting him to take notice of you, and then on forgetting about him talking to those women, that it never occurred to you what it would do to _him_. And what he would do to the guys you were using to make him jealous - especially with that Mark on his arm.

  
‘I - uh. I wasn't thinking.’ You whispered, instantly ashamed. 

You gave Dean a sad, apologetic look, shaking your head and mouthing 'I'm so sorry' before turning to run out of the bar, tears streaming down your face, missing the way he broke as the door closed behind you. 

Shaking as rage, want, frustration, and heartbreak collided inside him, the pool cue seeming to snap of its own accord as he roared with anger, smashing glasses and upturning tables as people fled to get out of his way. By the time he was done, his knuckles were bloody, half the bar was trashed and Sam was assuring the owner that they’d pay for all the damages so long as they didn't call the cops. 

* *

It was late when Dean knocked on the door of your motel room. You opened it slowly, taking in his bandaged knuckles and disheveled appearance.

‘Hey.’ You whispered.

‘Hey.’ He murmured back.

‘You okay? Everyone still alive back there?’ You breathed, your voice tight with worry.

‘Yeah.’ He chuckled. ‘I managed not to kill that guy, he's actually a pretty fast runner... But the bar is not doing so well. Sammy promised we’d pay the damages tomorrow – so we might have to leave quick.’ 

‘My fault – I’ll pay.’ You nodded, relieved that neither Dean nor anyone else was hurt. You held up your glass. ‘Need a whiskey?’

‘Uh. Definitely.’

He followed you inside, sitting across the small table from you. Both of you swirling your drinks as you sat in silence. You watched a maelstrom of thoughts run across his face, reflecting that your own was probably not much different. You had so much to say to him, but now that it seemed you might have an actual conversation, you didn’t know where to start. When he finally broke through the quiet, the sound of his voice made you jump.

‘I know what you’re doing, but you’ve got to stop Rookie. You can’t just make me jealous so I’ll snap and fuck the shit out of you.’ His green eyes fixing you with a soft stare. ‘Much as I godamn want to. It won’t fix anything and it won’t make me change my mind about us.’ He sighed.

‘I’m sorry, you’re right.’ You put your hands up. ‘It was stupid. I get it. I just… fuck. I just miss you so much, and I want to help you, I can help you - but you’re ignoring me all the time.’ You paused, at a loss for words. ‘I know it was pathetic and childish. I didn’t know what else to do and I didn't think about the consequences.’

Dean looked at you up and down, taking a deep breath, before he took another sip of whiskey.

‘You know Sam and I talked a little while ago. He basically thinks I saved him after the trials because I’m a selfish jerk who didn’t want to be alone, didn't want to deal with him dying. He said if the situation were reversed that he wouldn’t have done the same. That he would have let me go.’ He shook his head.   
  
‘Well, looks like now he’ll get his chance, because this shit on my arm ain’t looking likely to come off or end very well.’ He took your hand. ‘And I can’t bring you down with me Rookie. I won’t. And I won't put you through watching me die. So as soon as we kill Abaddon and Metatron I'm leaving. I'm out.' He pulled his hand back, wiping it over his face and swallowing the rest of his whiskey in a single gulp, his eyes sad. 'It sucks and I'm sorry, but we’re done, baby. And please – don’t pull shit like tonight on me again. Because fuck, I can’t take it and I’m doing the best I can okay? I’m doing the best I godamn can.’ 

Your heart broke some more as you listened to what had been going through his mind. What he was dealing with. You reached out your hand for his. 

‘Listen, Dean, it doesn’t have to be like that. You don’t know – I spoke to Cain and he said..’

'You what? You went to Cain?' He stuttered, looking furious. 'When? How did you even fucking find him? Are you okay?'

'Obviously, I'm fine. It was a couple of weeks ago. We talked. I needed to know some stuff.' You replied.  
  


'Oh, you needed to know some stuff.' He exploded, pushing his chair back in anger. 

'Sonofabitch Rookie. You know how friggin stupid and irresponsible it was to go and see Cain by yourself? Fuck, of all the people. Christ, what were you thinking?'

'I was thinking that the man I love is wearing his tattoo and I wanted to know what the fuck that entails.' You snarled, standing up to face him. 'I was thinking that you're so determined to hate yourself and keep us at bay, that you're not paying attention to the detail of whatever the fuck it is that you've gotten yourself into. I was thinking rationally instead of emotionally about what this means and how I can help you.'

'Oh really.' He snapped, not giving an inch, barely breathing room between the two of you. 'And just what did you find out little Miss Rational?' 

You looked him up and down, part of you wanting to slap him, and a lot of you just wanting to throw him down on the bed and fuck him into the mattress. You soo wanted to fuck him. Jesus, Cain was right, you could feel the vibration of the Mark, feel it calling to you. And what you could not do - is tell Dean that.

'That Cain is an asshole. And that I can help you. That you're going to need me to help you. That you have no hope of containing the Mark and your sanity without love and people around you to even out the bloodlust and need for violence.' You exhaled, regaining your calm.   
  
'You need us, Dean. You need me. And I'm here.' You shrugged, pushing his jacket off his shoulders, stroking his arm, feeling him tremble at your touch. Seeing the conflict battling in those beautiful green eyes, the storm raging within in him between his love and need to be with you, against his desire to protect you and keep you at arm's length.

'I can't Rookie.' He said, his voice low with warning, but he made no move to leave or breakaway as you pulled his face down towards yours. 'I can't hurt you, bring you into this. Put you in danger... I can feel it. This fucking thing - its old and its evil and you're right, it wants blood, it wants violence - and it wants you.' He shuddered. 

'Hey, hey it's okay.' You whispered, kissing his jaw. 'I know. I can help. Like Colette helped Cain. He told me all about it. It's okay. Ssssh. It's okay.' You soothed, moving to his lips, pushing them open with your tongue, his mouth responding to you, feeling the last of his resistance fall away. His arms coming up around you, his hands trailing your body hungrily.

'I'm going to help okay Dean? And I'm not like Colette, I'm a hunter so I won't get hurt like she did. Okay? Feel how reassuring my touch is? It's going to help. I'm going to help. We can do this together Dean.'

'Miss you, baby.' He rasped, attacking your neck and causing your back to arch as he pushed you up against the motel room door. 'Fuck, I miss you so much. It's not friggin reassuring when you touch me, its blood rushing and pounding in my ears, there's this white fucking noise demanding you, wanting you and it takes everything to resist it. Are you sure? I can't do this anymore. I can't resist this unless you say No. I need you so much, but I fucking need you to be safe. How can you be safe with me and this thing wanting you?' He breathed into your neck, nibbling, biting, already lost.

'I'll be fine Dean. You said yourself I'm a 'not bad' hunter.' You smirked, using his teasing words against him. 'And I've been trained by the best, in fact, I'm surrounded by the best fricken hunters in the world. We'll work this out together, like we always do yeah? Forever.' You moaned as he hit that sweet spot, his hand slipping inside your dress, caressing your breast, kneading the nipple between his fingers, his other hand already in your panties, a thick finger moving back and forward inside you, making you shake. 'Fuck yes Dean, touch me.'

'Fuck you're so wet. I can't be gentle, need it too bad.' He ground out, his teeth sinking into your neck, your shoulders, marking you up, claiming you as his once more.

'Don't want you to be gentle Sir. Need you to fuck the shit out of me - remember?' You gasped as he bit deeper, loving the pain, feeling how godamn hot for him you were, panting with need.

'This fucking dress.' He growled, pulling it off your shoulders and letting your breasts fall free, lips clamping down on your nipple as his pushed the bottom of the dress upwards, unzipping his jeans and pushing your panties aside, putting his arms under your thighs and slamming inside you with one deep thrust, making you cry out, filling you, fucking you, his cock stretching you open around him, giving you no time to adjust as he began ramming you against the door with every pounding move of his hips, railing you hard as you slid your hands up underneath his tee shirt and clung to his shoulders. 

'Shit. Wanted to do this since you walked out the door wearing this thing earlier.' He rasped, each word punctuated by another deep thrust.

'Harder Dean. You feel. so. fucking. good.' You were nearly screaming with the intensity. The relief of having him inside you once more, filling you up, as he pounded into you, over and over, his thumb on your clit and his mouth around your nipple, and then his teeth, biting and tugging as you clenched around him. He shifted the angle, tilting your pelvis forward going deeper, taking your breath away.

'Yes. Fuck yes, baby. Mine - only mine.' He snarled, his hips bucking faster and faster, fucking you furiously with pent up frustration and need. He felt so good, so frigging good you might cry. Your hips lifting to meet each thrust, molten heat flowing like lava through your veins, burning you from the inside out, sweat dripping between the two of you, making your hands slide and lose their grip on his slippery skin, using your nails to hang on, his hips moving faster as you dug them in deeper, and then you were cumming, clenching around him and scratching his shoulders as your hands raked his back, your eyes rolling backward as your feet pointed and curled, body shuddering through it as he kept going and pounding your g-spot just right, rolling you into another one and another one, sparks pinging before your eyes, your brain going offline as you heard him roar his release, his cock twitching as he filled you with thick ropes of cum and slammed you back against the door one last time. Both of you breathless and trembling, legs shaky as you disentangle and kiss some more. 

You began undressing him, pulling him over to the bed and pushing him backward, admiring his body as if it were the first time, drinking him in as he lay still, catching his breath.

'Fuck. I - I can't think straight, my brain isn't working.' He stuttered, staring back at you. 'The only thing I'm thinking of is how soon I can be inside you again.' He groaned.

'As soon as you fucking want.' You replied, stripping off your dress and panties to lay naked beside him. 'Bar is open baby - and I've no doubt you're thirsty as fuck. I know I am.' You giggled, kissing his neck, your hands wandering his body.

'Didn't you just have multiple orgasms like three minutes ago.' He chuckled.

'Hell yeah.' You smiled. 'What's your point, Winchester? Because we've got a lot of time to make up for and you're already starting to get hard again.' 

'I am?' He looked down confused.

'Yep, might be all the tension, or maybe it's the Mark... but seems your recovery time has just hit a new record.' You smirked, your hand softly stroking him as he hardened, moving down his body with a series of sweet kisses, teasing bites and kitten licks.

'Jesus Christ. We're never leaving this room again are we Rookie?' He panted, arching his back and swearing as you swallowed his cock.

*

  
The following morning you woke in his arms, his hands stroking your body as he delivered tiny kisses to your neck and shoulders. You turned around, desperate to count the freckles on his nose in the early morning light, see his face, be sure he wasn't going to change his mind.

'Hi.' You whispered.

'Hi.' He smiled. That special smile that was just for you. Unguarded, devoted, soft, and all yours. You felt your breath catch and restart again. Seeing it after all these weeks making you realize how much you'd missed it. Missed him. Missed this.

'Feeling better?' You asked, surprising yourself with the sweet innocence of your tone and the open expression you could feel on your face. You'd meant it to be sultry and suggestive.

'So much better.' He nodded, kissing you gently. 'Thank you. I don't know what fucking magic you weave woman, but you do it every time. You bring me home in your arms, make me feel like its all going to be okay, bring me back, give me hope.' He replied earnestly. 

'That's because it is going to be okay Dean.' You replied, kissing him hard, pouring all your love into it, feeling that connection pulse and flow between you as he kissed you just as hard back. The hum of the Mark a small background noise, sated for the moment.

'So just how exactly did Colette save Cain? What did he tell you?' He asked when you finally came up for air, stroking your cheek, staring at your face like you were the sun, moon, and everything.

You looked at him and laughed, suddenly feeling bashful for no reason you could think of. 

'You blushing?' He asked, lifting your chin. 'Geez Rookie, don't get shy on me now.'

'He wasn't super specific.' You hedged. 'Just that he and Colette got up and down with some pretty depraved sexy times. That her love and their kinky sex diverted the Mark's violence and bloodlust, that it was calming and helped him keep control. Helped him stop killing - and might even help stop things like smashing up bars and shit.' You grinned.

'So you're saying all I have to do is have lots and lots of kinky sex with you to keep this thing in check?' He rumbled. 'And touch you/have you touch me all the time? Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?' 

'I tried, but you wouldn't talk to me. I didn't know how to get you to listen.' You sputtered. 'I may have gone to therapy to sort my crap out with my Mom and stepfather, but I'm still working on my communication and relationship skills.' 

He smirked at you, letting you know he was teasing as he kissed you, his hand moving to stroke your neck and shoulders.

'I know baby. I'm sorry I've been such an asshole the last few weeks. I tried not to be, tried to make it easier for you, but even without the Mark, avoiding touching you, loving you, holding you these last few weeks. Fuck, it was like having my skin slowly peeled off every time we were together, which was still better than the feeling I had when we were apart.' He shook his head.

You looked up at him, his green eyes staring into yours, seeing all of you, knowing you could hide nothing from him now.

'You know last night was my last try?' You whispered. 'And actually, dancing with that guy was me giving up. I was pretty damn drunk, but I got to thinking maybe the best way to get the distance you so badly wanted, would be if I let you have one of those women at the pool table and I just stopped trying. I realized helping with the Mark or not - I couldn't force you to be with me.' A tear trickling down your cheek. 'I was so lost, hurting. I thought I was going to never feel you again, feel you touching me, your skin on mine, you deep inside me, home in your arms.'

He grabbed you, pulling you close.

'I know baby, fuck. Trust me I know. At the bar I realized that once I left after all this is over, you'd be alone with douchebags like the guy from last night. And it's not just that I don't want them touching you, it was the thought that this was what I was doing to you - leaving you lonely and upset in a bar dancing with some fucking random to try and forget about me... and all the heartbreak I've put you through these past few weeks, the look on your face when you apologized and ran. It just broke me.' His voice tight as he kissed your head. You kissed his chest in return, inhaling him, letting his warmth and solid muscle wash over you as you stared at his tattoo, slowly licking it, feeling his body begin to respond as you decided to shift the mood.

'See, and if you'd just talked to me, you'd have known that all we needed to do was have lots of sex.' You sighed, moving down and biting his nipple in between words, enjoying the sounds falling from him as you did so.

'Fuck.' He groaned as you rolled him on his back, straddling him and sliding back and forth across his hard cock before leaning forward slightly, gasping as he thrust upwards, filling you as you pushed back at the same time, rising up and then back down again as one. Taking him deep, riding him as he closed his eyes. Your hips slowly rotating together, heat building quickly, need increasing with each circular movement of your pelvis.

'There is one thing I'm still mad about.' You moaned, taking him even deeper, feeling him everywhere, stretching you all over again.

'What's that baby?' He growled, his voice strained. His hips thrusting upward and upper body rolling faster, making you arch backwards, bracing your arms and wrapping your hands around his raised knees behind you to keep your balance. His eyes remaining closed as he lost himself inside you, mentally and physically.

'I can't believe you left me alone on that bed with only a godamn vibrator. I practically dared you to fuck me and you just left.' You pouted, meeting his movements. Going faster, slamming down on him harder.

'Oh Jesus woman. Do you know how many times I have cum thinking about that? Replaying it over and over in my mind?' He snarled, his green eyes snapping open to meet yours, dark with lust as he grabbed your hips, pulling you toward him as he thrust upwards. 'Cursing myself for being an idiot? Trust me - telling myself it was for the best because I loved you was no fucking help. I practically ran from that room with my eyes shut and my hands over my ears, and it took everything I godamn had.'

'Well...' You panted. 'You better.... ah... shit.' You exclaimed, gasping as he slid his hands up your back and suddenly rolled you both, pressing you down into the mattress, holding your wrists together above your head as he pushed deeper inside you, taking your breath away.

'Yes?' He smirked.

'Well.... you'd better spend the next few days - maybe forever making it up to me then.' You gasped.

'With pleasure baby.' He pulled all the way out before slamming back inside you, holding your wrists tighter, repeating the motion over and over. 'With fucking pleasure.'

'Yes Sir, just like that.' You cried, feeling the hum of the Mark spreading heat through you, thinking of the dungeon back at the bunker and some of the games the two of you could play once you were back there. Your ability to think getting lost as he pounded you harder, fucking you into the mattress.

'Want me to use you like my fucktoy baby? Huh?' He grunted, jackhammering you as the heat moving through you became fire. 'Fuck the shit out of this hot little pussy and ruin it?'

‘Fuck yes Sir. Harder. More.’ You snarled. ‘Fuck me so hard that I can’t walk Sir.’ 

'Such a naughty little slut.' He growled, keeping your wrists together with one hand and using the other to pull your shoulders down as he fucked up into you, growling as he took you harder than he ever had before. It hurt a little but you welcomed the pain, loved it because it meant he was here, inside you, fucking you and it was everything you needed. He slammed into you deep and fast, over and over, taking you right to the edge, causing your eyes to roll backward and your legs to spasm as the coil snapped and your pussy clenched. Your body shuddering it's release as he bit your nipple, alternating with flicks of his tongue and biting your whole breast as you screamed your way through your orgasm. Dean's name mixed with obscenities and nonsense as he hit you in that perfect spot again and again as you came, kicking it up a level, whiting out your vision, your body shaking as you drenched you both. 

'Yes. Fuck yes, such a perfect slut for me.' His voice strangled as he let go, filling you with his cum, rocking through it as he pushed it further inside you, knowing he was so deep it'd still be leaking from you for the next couple of days. And he couldn't wait to fill you up with more. Own you again on every level, just like you owned him. 

  
You both lay there panting as Dean's phone rang.

'Sam?' He wheezed, putting him on speaker as he rolled onto his back and drew you onto his chest.

'Yeah. Uh. Great to hear the two of you have made up.' Causing you to stifle a giggle. Clearly the motel room walls were thinner, or you were both louder than you realized, probably a combination of the two. Dean smirking and silently pointing at you as if you were the only one that was loud, laughing at your look of outrage and giving you a sweet kiss.

'But uh, we might have a lead on the First Blade. So, we need to get going.' said Sam.

'Roger that.' said Dean, moving to hang up.

'And Dean?' 

'Yeah?'

'I mean shower and leave now - not have more sex and three hours from now ok?'

'Sorry, Sammy - its a really bad line...' Dean making some static noises before hanging up, throwing his phone behind him and pushing you onto your back, pinning you down by your wrists either side of your head.

'What do you think m'lady? Got one more round in you?' He waggled his eyebrows. 'Because I haven't eaten breakfast yet, and now that my favorite meal is back on the menu, I am hungry as fuck.'

'Well I mean, a man's gotta eat.' You sighed, your back arching as he kissed his way down your body and spread your legs, licking his lips as he looked up at you and settled between them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poison - Alice Cooper  
> [ Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
> [ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq4j1LtCdww)
> 
> GIF Credit 1: Unknown  
> GIF Credit 2: https://justjensenanddean.tumblr.com/post/156763378354/heytheredeann-1207-rock-never-dies  
> GIF Credit 3: https://mooseleys.tumblr.com/post/116526303438


	14. Cum on Feel the Noize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, bit of a reshuffle and there's now 16 Chapters but they're mapped out and mostly done so we're close to the end 🖤.  
> SONGS - Thanks for the comments, chat and suggestions everyone - more than this one has been taken onboard. Feel free to add more.  
> With the reshuffle this chapter changed entirely and Cum on Feel the Noise fits for couple of reasons - see notes at the end. Thanks Leigh Richards for the suggestion - this chapter dedicated to you lovely 💙💙  
> GIFS - I've back added gifs to the story from the beginning. I hadn't done it previously for this one because they are a whole creative event in themselves. Sometimes its perfect .. other times its mostly okay, but it does take time and creativity and only recently had extra of either to do it. Anyway, some are definitely worth the flick back through so check them out/enjoy. x

[ **CUM ON FEEL THE NOIZE** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
  


_**Cum on feel the noize  
  
Girls rock your boys  
  
We get wild, wild, wild  
  
Wild, wild, wild** _

**  
QUIET RIOT**

  
Dean had been calling Crowley for weeks. The Mark of Cain was useless without the First Blade, and Crowley was supposed to be finding it. The agreement was that the two of them would work together to get the Mark and Blade, kill Abaddon and Metatron, and then go back to fighting each other afterward. Problem was, Dean had the crappy Mark on his arm, but there was still no Blade and Crowley was not picking up. After some false leads and a crossroads demon chat with Snooki of all people, you finally found him in a hotel room, surrounded by corpses, strung out on human blood, and basically in no shape to be helpful finding anything.   
  
Grudgingly the three of you brought him back to the bunker and locked him in the dungeon to detox and sweat it out while trying to get more information on the First Blade and its location. Currently, it was your turn to watch him and help him kick the blood addiction habit, while the boys chased down a lead at the National Institute of Antiquities.

'So, 'Loves true dream' back together again huh? You really think you can stop the Mark? Help Dean? Be the Colette to his Cain?' He taunted.

'Crowley, I'm already bored with this conversation.' You sighed. 'Could you hurry up and quit being a blood junkie so we can get on with this? Plus we have plans for this room - and you are..' You waved your hand around in annoyance. 'In the way.'

'Oh, don't mind me, sweetheart. I would love to observe, help, in any way I can. Maybe give you some tips and pointers.' He grinned lasciviously.

'Uh-huh.' You stared at him, your eyes cold. Still pissed at him for taking Dean to Cain, proposing this whole fucking fiasco in the first place. 

'Don't give me the evil eye Rookie, maybe if you hadn't sent him packing he may not have been so open to my... suggestions.' He waggled his eyebrows and you wanted to punch him right in the face.

You had an interesting relationship with Crowley, edgy banter tinged with a lot of disdain and a vague respect of the other's power. His as a demon and King of Hell, yours because of your place within the Winchester Brothers' lives. You didn't trust his bromancing of Dean for a second, you were sure that he knew more about the Mark than he was admitting to. You also had a sneaking suspicion he was jealous of your relationship with Dean. That in some weird way, shape or form - he wanted Dean for himself. Mostly right now you were just pissed at him because of the position he had put Dean in, and you were in no mood for his crap.

'Missing a hit of blood Crowley? Maybe a shot of holy water will help?' 

'Take it easy. Look, I know you're a clever little poppet. Blah blah pretty, blah blah whiz kid start-up rich entrepreneur, blah blah surprisingly good hunter.' He rolled his eyes. 'I also know you have _both_ Winchester brothers on a string - so I'll give it to you straight sister. The Mark cannot be contained, it can't be stopped and it's all going to end badly. If I was you I'd leave dear Dean to it and take Sammy up on those puppy dog eyes he gives you whenever you're not looking...'

'Wow. Just laying it all out there huh?' You smirked. 'You want Dean to yourself that badly? I know he's pretty Crowley, but he's not the only pretty boy on the planet - and we're always finding you shacked up with women so what gives? Why is Dean so special to you?'

'Oh. So you knew about Moose already? Interesting.' replied Crowley eyeing you up and down, completely ignoring your questions. 

'Not as interesting as to why you want my boyfriend.' You replied, walking around the edge of the devil's trap that held him. 

'Quid pro quo huh Clarice?' He raised his eyebrow.

'Well, it seems you want to fucking chat. And I noticed you watching Dean and me with particular fascination. Envy possibly? Are you in love with my boyfriend Crowley?' 

'Are you in love with Moose?' He sang back, sounding like a three-year-old.

'Wow. You ARE in love with him.' You exclaimed, surprised you'd hit a nerve.

'NO, I'm not.' He huffed. 'I'm... I'm having feelings that's all. There's something disgustingly saccharine and undeniably moving about the... connection or whatever the two of you have, that this human blood thing makes me vulnerable to.' He stuttered, waving his chained hands around.

'The connection or whatever?' You taunted, using air quotes.

'Okay fine. Love alright?! The soulmate, love thing you have. Just like Cain had with Colette. It interests me. Makes me wonder what it's like.' He shuffled his feet inside the demon cuffs uncomfortably.

'What and your demon side wants to see us crash and burn, just because the human side likes it so much?' You asked, still puzzled.

'Yes!' He snarled. 'And just for the godamn drama of it. I'd like to see this whole Winchester subversive love triangle implode. I mean how Dean handles his brother being in love with his lady should be a doozy. Though it wouldn't surprise me if they end up sharing you - they share every godamn thing else.' He muttered, rolling his eyes.

You looked at him taken aback, trying to appear neutral. Blood junkie Crowley was full of surprises, and it didn't help that the mention of the boys sharing you made your pussy clench and your breath catch. A reaction that unfortunately, the hawk-eyed King of Hell did not miss.

'Aaah, so you would let them share you.' He grinned, leaning forward. Sex much more his comfort zone than love. 'Fucking two brothers at once huh? Naughty naughty girl Rookie. Still - they are very pretty. I'll give you that.' 

You heard the door to the dungeon squeak, Dean appearing through the cabinets, his face breaking into a huge grin at the sight of you.

'Bollocks.' Grumbled Crowley. 'That's it. The look of love.' He sneered, rolling his eyes at the both of you.

'He annoying you?' asked Dean, kissing you softly.

'Always.' You responded, kissing him back. 'Any luck?'

'Well, I got hit on by the chick who is Head of something a rather..' He grinned, waving a business card. Kissing you again as your eyes narrowed. 'But no. Godamn thing was secretly sold before we got there, with some kind of link to this place and the Men of Letters. We gotta hit the books again.'

'I can help you know...' called Crowley as Dean grabbed your hand and began to lead you past the cabinets, shaking his head as he looked at you, pulling you in for another kiss.

'Course you can Crowley.' He called over his shoulder as the kiss ended, pulling away from you and rolling his eyes as he turned around. 'That's just the kind of helpful guy you are. Right?'

* *

Turns out Crowley was actually of some use, and you managed to track down a disgraced former Man of Letters - Cuthbert Sinclair, who was a master of warding, sigils, spells, and collector and procurer of rare things... including it seems, the recent acquisition of the Blade.   
  
As legacies and the grandsons of Henry Winchester, Cuthbert granted Sam and Dean entrance to his bizarre invisible funhouse of crazy creatures and antiquities, leaving you and Crowley to wait outside.

'Always the bridesmaids, huh Rookie?' Moped Crowley, making you roll your eyes. Both of you surprised a short time later to see Sam suddenly reappear in front of you.

'What happened? Where's Dean?' You exclaimed, fear clutching your heart.

'He wants to add Dean as a set with the Blade to his private collection. Apparently, I'm of no interest.' Snarled Sam, looking around and taking a moment to think. 'I also have no idea how the fuck we get back in there.'

You took a deep breath, calming your mind.

'Wait. Didn't he want the bunker to be invisible like this place? Accessible by spell only - and the old men rejected the idea?' You asked. Watching as Sam had already grasped what you were saying and walked over to the impala, grabbing the Men of Letters files from the backseat, turning and handing you half. 

'Ok then, let's see if he left us anything to work out how to get back inside.' Grinned Sam.

A couple of hours later, thanks to some quick research by you, spellwork by Sam and ingredients from Crowley - the three of you eventually managed to find your way back in. Unfortunately, Cuthbert had some sneaky fucking moves, keeping you all on your toes with his shitty tricks and illusions, capturing Sam and chaining him to a pillar, quickly deciding that torturing him was the best way to get a typically difficult Dean to do whatever he wanted.  
You watched silently, waiting until Crowley was in place before attacking and distracting Cuthbert as he outlined his plans for Dean and began to cut and carve into Sam.

Quickly discovering you were unable to overwhelm him, you kept him monologing as much as you could, watching out the corner of your eye as Crowley snuck across the room, lifting the godamn ugliest thing you'd ever seen and passing it to Dean. It was raw bone with what looked to be jagged human teeth along one edge, and stained with blood that was no doubt centuries old.   
  
You looked on in fascinated horror as Cain's Mark reverberated and lit up on Dean's arm when he touched the Blade. Waves of power emanating from Dean, as he shrugged off the chains holding him and turned without hesitating, his hunter instincts and years of training coming into play as he swung the Blade, arcing across Cuthbert Sinclair's shoulders and sending his head tumbling to the floor.

All of you watching as Dean stood unmoving in the middle of the room, his arm still lit up as the Blade continued to vibrate, pulsing its energy through him, holding him, as if he was no longer aware of anything or anyone except the Blade. You could feel it connecting to him, drawing him in, hear the high pitched signal as it sang to him. Introducing and integrating itself, you realized with revulsion.

'Hey baby, that's enough.' You soothed, moving toward him. Feeling like you'd been hit with a thousand volts of electricity as you grabbed his hand. 

'It's okay, its ok Dean. Look at me. Stop it now. Drop the Blade.'

He looked up at you in confusion as you took his chin in your hands, taking a minute to comprehend what you were saying.

'Let it go.' The high pitched noise that had been piercing your ears and the bolts of energy coming off him immediately ceasing as Dean let the Blade clatter to the ground.

'You felt that too?' He rasped uncomprehendingly, registering the relief on your face as the noise stopped and you pulled him into a hug.

'Not the same.' You whispered into his ear. 'I felt the energy - could hear noise, but it was talking to you wasn't it? I could tell.'

'Not talking exactly.' He shook his head slightly, clearing it. 'But visions, impulses, feelings, thoughts... none of em fucking pretty.' He muttered, his voice low, the words for your ears only.

'Well, this was fun. But let's get out of here shall we?' Interrupted Crowley, as Sam quickly moved to pick up the Blade. 

You made your way back to the impala, returning to find Baby trashed and scratched by Abaddon's goons who had clearly been tracking your movements, but unable to find you inside Cuthbert's invisible house. 

You watched silently as the boys signaled each other to make a move on Crowley, who seemed irritated but unsurprised at their intended attack, using his powers to hold all three of you in place as he made his escape, pulling the Blade from Sam's hands as he did so. His smug little fucking face smirking as he promised to return with the Blade when you'd located Abaddon. Leaving Dean murderous once more, pissed at being bested by Crowley and at the damage done to Baby, trembling with rage and physically shaken by the sudden absence of the Blade.

'Hey.' You soothed. 'Remember what Cain said - the first time you touch it will be like a drug. You'll feel addicted to the rush? Maybe it's not such a bad thing that douchebag has it for now, even if you're feeling some withdrawal symptoms.' 

You placed your hand on his arm, over the Mark, watching his head snap up to your face - a picture of exquisite fucking need. You were alarmed by the craving currently wracking your own body with the departure of the blade, wondering if you only felt echos of its power, how godamn raw it must feel for him.   
Not surprised when Dean suddenly pushed you up against the car, kissing you hard, pushing his cock against your hips, grinding into you, his hands everywhere as Sam watched, shocked for a moment at the intensity and the shameless way the two of you moved against one another, your bodies on fire, consumed with need, pulling at one another as if he wasn't even there. Eventually, he shook his head, clearing his throat and looking away as he climbed into the passenger seat.

'Fuck, this feeling. I feel out of control baby. Need to get you home - or to a Gas n Sip bathroom.' Dean rasped, attacking your neck, both of you close to cumming just from the grinding and dry humping. You pushed him harder against your core, clinging to him as your body let go. Small shudders moving through you, easing the ache slightly.

'Dungeon's free Sir. How fast can you drive?' You panted, smirking at the way his face lit up, unsurprised that he got you home in half the time it had taken to get there.

* *

A few days later found the two of you alone in the bunker for the first time since you had gotten back together. Sam had gone to check out a case in Milton Illinois, giving you both some alone time under the pretext of researching the Mark and hunting down Abaddon. Not that you weren't doing that, it just wasn't all you were doing.

Despite your games and exploits in the dungeon, you knew Dean was still struggling somewhat with the Mark. He was quickly frustrated, drinking more and you knew he felt bad when he took it out on you, even slightly. Which is why you agreed to let him head into town to play some pool and let off steam on his own for the afternoon, telling him to be back by eight for dinner. Of course, had you known Crowley would corner him, mess with his head and bromance him some more - you would never have let him go.   
  


'Hey D, what's up?' You asked, logging into the chat room. You'd had Dartagnan working on ways to track Crowley, Abbadon, and Metatron for a while now. He managed intermittent success - today apparently being one of the better days. 

'So just checking in - cause I'm assuming the only reason he'd be so close is for a planned meet up. But wanted to make sure you knew that Crowley character is hanging out at a bar in your town right now? Like 20 minutes from where ever it is that you live, that scrambles signals for everything within 10 miles around it.' He chuckled, still impressed at that. Not pressing for more info as to how or why it happened. The why being fairly obvious. 'Anyway, looked suspicious as fuck to me Rapunzel, so I thought I'd let you know.'

'Thanks, D. I'll check it out.' Nerves gathering in the pit of your stomach, knowing exactly why he was in that bar. Godamn him. How many women have to worry about the King of Hell creeping on their boyfriends you wondered. 'So anything on Abaddon or Metatron?' You asked.

'Nothing I can make sense of. Got my mechanical brains running algorithms, looking for patterns - will keep you posted Razzy P.' He said, signing off.

'Thanks, D. Stay safe and keep being uber fucking careful yeah?' You warned.

'Always Princess. Always.' He chuckled.

*

You didn't want to start a fight with Dean over Crowley, but you couldn't let it slide either. You went through the preparations for your belated anniversary dinner and after dinner surprise, getting more and more furious as you did so. The frigging little limey worm seemed to pop up constantly. What the hell did he want with Dean now? It wasn't enough that he'd convinced him to put that fucking Mark on his arm and jacked him up with the Blade, only to take it away again... but now he was harassing him in bars as well.

'Hey.' You said, as Dean walked in. Watching him pause slightly mid-stride, immediately knowing from the way you said hey and your posture that something was up, but that you were covering it all with a grin that didn't quite meet your eyes. 

'Hey.' He replied, kissing your cheek and cautiously sitting down to the dinner you had waiting.

'So. See anyone you know? Get hit on by anyone fun at the bar?' You asked sweetly.

'Anyone like who?' He smirked. 'You already know old man Larry behind the bar wants me bad. He'd have a chance too if weren't for you.' He chuckled, raising his eyebrows and dropping them again when he saw the expression on your face.

He glanced down at the table, suddenly noticing your dress, taking in the fact there were candles and wine and a large steak cooked just the way he liked it.  
  
'Whoa. This looks fancy baby. It's not your birthday - did I forget something? Is that what's wrong?' He asked.

'Are you really not going to tell me?' You scowled, pushing your chair back and standing up. Fairly sure now that you were in fact, going to end up in a fight over Crowley.   
  
Dean looked up at you, realizing the full extent of your anger, walking around the table toward you.

'Hey, there's not much to say, baby. He was there, he was an ass, he left. Same as always.' He soothed, coming up to put his arms around you.   
'I take it Dartagnan's tracker is working then? Hmm. Useful and unnerving at the same time.' He husked, kissing your neck, edging towards the pulse point that always distracted you. 

'It's still intermittent, think at this stage he can ping or track when he shows up in or near places he's been before. Nothing to report on Abaddon or Metatron.' You sighed, tilting your head and allowing him access.   
'Would you have told me, Dean? Cause I thought we were done with keeping secrets.'

'Well, apart from the fact you didn't give me a chance.' He murmured, pulling back from your neck to look at you. 'Like I said, there wasn't a lot to say. He was trying to get some sort of reaction out of me. Apparently doesn't think I'm focused enough on trying to find Abaddon - accused me of being scared.' He scoffed.

'Scared of what exactly?'

'Of the Mark. Of the power it has. Of its needs.' He shrugged.

'Well.' You smiled, kissing his jawline. 'You'd be stupid not to be afraid of it. It's ancient and it's evil and we still know nothing about it yet.'

'Hmm. What I'm more scared of right now is that my girlfriend is angry at me and I've forgotten some sort of big deal... Crap. Is this for our anniversary?' He stuttered. 'Because I wanted to do a thing baby, but I didn't know if we counted the time apart and...'

'Sssh.' You said, kissing him. 'Yes, it's for our anniversary slash getting back together and no I'm not angry at you. I was angry at Crowley, but screw him - he's not spoiling our night.' You pulled him close. 'And yes, there's pie - but you can't have that till later. There are some after-dinner games I have planned that will cause you to work up an appetite.'

'Really now?' He whispered, making you laugh at the way his eyes lit up like a little boy. 'Well then, Happy Anniversary to us hot stuff.' He smirked, giving you that sexy godamn grin and a kiss that could melt the sun.  
  
'Down boy. After dinner.' You rasped, trying to catch your breath, pushing his hands out from under your dress where they had started to roam, checking for underwear. 'You're going to need all the energy you can get.'  
  


* *

A couple of hours later you were licking your lips as your eyes roamed hungrily over Dean, face down and tied to the bed, the sculptured lines and grooves of his body an exquisite work of art. His hips raised with a pillow so that his delicious ass was curved upwards and waiting for you.

'Are you going to be a good boy Dean?' You asked, trailing the whip slowly down his back, loving the way his muscles rippled as he shuddered with anticipation and need. You'd been edging and spanking him for the past hour and he was desperate to come. 

'Yes, uh - Yes Mistress.' He choked out immediately, his voice tight with need.

You hadn't been surprised to discover Dean's praise kink a few months into your relationship, but it often surprised you just how strong it was. How intensely he reacted and responded to your approval, and disapproval during these sessions and scenes. How willing he was to let go when it was his turn to be submissive, especially now.   
Strangely as much as the Mark wanted dominance, in order to counteract it and feel like himself, to truly let go - Dean needed submission, especially after your scene in the dungeon after finding the Blade. He'd been almost brutal with his need, his domination, marking you up, making you ache still from where he had pounded you, hurt you, pleasured you. Now, more than ever mentally he needed the turnabout, to feel pain after causing you pain, to not be in charge or control. Responsible.

You looked at the red marks trailing lusciously across his glutes, bending over to kitten lick then blow on them gently, smiling with satisfaction as his back arched and he groaned.

'Please Mistress.' He begged, barely aware of what he was begging for anymore.

You crawled up between his spread legs, your mouth landing on the sweet spot between his balls and the anal plug nestled in his tight hole.

'Fuck.' He rasped as your tongue swept up and down, pressing harder as your hands spread his cheeks, manipulating the plug and making him squirm, his hips rocking back and forth, rutting his cock deeper into the pillow.

You pulled the anal plug out slowly, smiling as he whined at the sensation.

'Gonna take good care of you, Dean. Such a good boy for me. Gotta make sure you're ready for me baby.' You whispered, your voice husky with desire. Thinking back on the care he took with you, returning the favor.  
  
He was so fucking beautiful like this, all laid out for you. You discovered that as much as you loved it when Dean took charge, you also had a major kink for dominating him. Loving how much pleasure you could give him while playing with this gorgeous fucking body of his. Every hard edge and muscly fucking curve was yours and yours only.   
You added more lube and slid two fingers in and out of him slowly, watching as he gasped and arched his back at the feeling of fullness and your touch. You moved your fingers deliberately, scissoring him, being careful not to hit the walnut shape of his prostate just yet. 

You knew he was close and you wanted to savor the moment and drag it out as long as possible.   
Despite your own challenges due to your past, he'd been fine with anal play right from the first blow job you'd ever given him. Admitting to you later that apart from a few rimming sessions, he'd never really been on the receiving end of play before, and not only had you blown his mind that day, but he was keen for more.   
  
He'd loved it when you'd turned the tables and used the bullet vibrator on him, cumming hard when you chained him in the dungeon and had your wicked way a few months ago, or loving the way his body bucked up when you rimmed him and stroked him off at the same time, or the shudders and noises he made when used your fingers to manipulate that sweet spot as you gave him head.   
He'd always said he'd be up for trying pegging, so you had actually had been planning this scene since before the two of you broke up, thinking you would surprise him as a celebration for your one year anniversary. Which this still was - it was just more of a slightly delayed anniversary/back together again celebration. 

You loved wearing the strap-on, the feeling of having your very own cock was hot as fuck. You'd worn it a bit by yourself first, getting used to it, how to move and angle your hips, to make him feel good, and to make him beg, and most of all so you didn't hurt him.   
You stroked your lubed hand up and down your silicone cock, getting it ready. 

'Wanna be fucked baby? Want me to fuck you good and hard?' You asked, leaning forward, rubbing the strap on between his cheeks, sliding with the lube, and pressing the tip against him. Dean lost in anticipation, his eyes closed, his breathing rough. 

'Yes, Mistress. Fuck me. Please.' Moaning as you spread his legs further apart allowing you to sink in, inching a little bit at a time, the response and reaction of his body heady and addictive as he dropped expletives and pushed back for more, wanting you deeper. His own cock twitching against the pillow as he desperately held back his need for release and tried to steady his breathing.

'You okay baby. Still green?' You asked, checking in as you slowly bottomed out.

'So fucking green. M-move.' He choked out. 'Please?' 

You shifted slightly, moaning as the pressure of the strap on pressed against your clit. Pulling out slowly before slamming your hips against him, setting a steady rhythm. Soft moans and filthy praise spilled from your lips as you continued to thrust in and out, holding his hips with your hands, moving faster.

'So good baby. Such a good boy for me.' You praised.

Feeling the tension in his spine as he stiffened. 

'Don’t.' You warned, 'You’re not allowed to cum yet.' 

Dean whined, his face red with need, body already dripping with sweat. 'Fuck. I can't... feels so fucking good. Please mistress, please.' He begged.

You slapped your hips against his and moaned as your clit jumped in response.

'No.' You snapped. 'You know what happens to bad boys.' You warned, smacking his ass hard with your hand. Loving the grunt and tremble of appreciation that went through him.

You began to pick up your pace, rutting into him and losing yourself, the strap on rubbing against your pussy, the dominance and feeling of control, and the reactions from Dean taking you right to the edge. Your mouth hung open and breathy moans fell from your lips, as he swore and begged beneath you, barely holding on.

'You take me so well, babe.' You panted. “Fuck. You're so hot like this. You leaned forward and licked at the sweat on his back, inhaling his musky scent, the taste that was all Dean.

‘Come on baby.’ You said, picking up the whip once more and smacking his ass as you fucked him harder, pushing into his prostate. ‘Turn pain into pleasure remember? See, I don’t think I’m the only one around here with a pain kink…' You used the whip again, watching his body shudder with the pleasure. 'That's it. Good boy.'

You picked up the pace, driving into the soft space between the hard muscle of his oh-so-perfect ass, loving the feeling. High on it as he bucked and rippled beneath you. Tilting your hips and pressing your thumbs into the triangle at the bottom of his back as you angled yourself to hit that sweet spot.

'Such a good boy Dean. Cum for me now. Cum for your Mistress baby.' 

‘Uh fuck.' Dean yelled as you hit his prostate over and over, so hard it made his entire body vibrate, his head thrown back and his eyes squeezed tightly shut as he came. Making a noise you'd never heard him make before, pulling against the restraints, his face twisting, shaking beneath you and tipping you over the edge, making you cum with him, holding him tight and arching, your entire body taut, before you collapsed on his back. Sweaty and sated. Both of you puffing for air.

'Jesus fucking Christ.' He eventually muttered.

'That good huh?' You asked, your head still laying on his back, arms wrapped around him, listening to his heartbeat still thumping wildly, already knowing the answer.

'I - fuck Rookie.' He exhaled, speechless. Unable to finish the sentence. 

'I love you too Dean.' You smiled, kissing and licking his back. Moving slowly, pulling out gently, soothing, and acknowledging his mewl at the loss of you. Knowing that loss, that empty feeling, after being so full, so joined, wondering if he now understood it properly from your side for the first time too. 

You quickly took off the strap on and began undoing the restraints, pulling him into your arms and rubbing lotion on his wrists where the skin was bruised. Soothing and kissing his temple as he lay still and floppy against you, all tension gone. Even the constant little indent between his eyes was smooth. You stroked his arm and the side of his face. 

'You ok baby? I didn't hurt you did I? Was it ok?' He hadn't spoken at all for several minutes now and you were starting to worry. Maybe he hadn't liked it after all. Was it a step too far? In bed he was first and foremost a hedonist, never feeling the need to overcompensate or alpha out at the expense of pleasure ... Both of you following your body's natural law - if it felt good, go with it. But maybe being fucked in the ass by his girlfriend was too much? Was it doing a number on him mentally now? 

'I ...' He looked up at you. His eyes so full of love, trust, and gratitude it made your breath catch. 

'C'mere.' He whispered, pulling you down into a sweet but searing kiss. Putting all your fears to rest. He contentedly snuggled back into your arms, his head on your breasts as you stroked his hair. You thought he had gone to sleep, surprised when he spoke again. Tracing little patterns on your thigh.

'I haven't got words baby for how you make me feel.' His voice husky as he turned to gaze up at you. '... but that just blew my godamn socks off and I have never felt more fucking cared for or loved as I do in this moment. Never trusted anyone like this, the way I do with you. If I wasn't blissed out as fuck I'd be anxious about just how much I feel. And I'd definitely not be rambling on and telling you about it.' He chuckled, pulling you down for another kiss. 

'Happy anniversary Dean.' You rasped, your voice choking with emotion, even as the huge smile lit up your face. 

'Happy anniversary baby, I'm sorry I didn't get you anything yet.' He rumbled. 'Especially because - Wow. That was one helluva present.' He purred, snuggling back into your chest, rubbing his face into your skin.

'Baby you've already given me everything I ever wanted.' You whispered into his hair. His breath deepening and soon becoming light snores.   
  
You tried to stay awake as long as you could, savoring the moment, holding onto this feeling and the level of vulnerablilty and relaxed happiness that you so rarely saw in this beautiful man you got to call yours. Allowing yourself to believe, even for a short time that everything was going to work out. That against all odds you and Dean would get a happy ending because why the fuck not? If anyone deserved it, it was this man. You smiled down at him again, still smiling as you fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cum on Feel the Noise - Quiet Riot:  
> [ Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) // [ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxgMGk9JPVA)  
> Thanks so much to Leigh for suggesting. I've used it because I thought this worked on two levels:  
> \- The 'noise' of the Mark, Dean literally feeling it rock through him, making him wilder.  
> \- 'Girls rock your boys' - well if that's not a euphemism for pegging then I don't know what is. haha ;) 
> 
> CHAPTERS - For those reading this in real time - I know I'd said only two chapters to go in last update, but wasn't happy with the length and flow with the last two chapters, hence the reason its taken me so long to update. So we now have three shorter chapters and two one shots that will come as flashbacks after this.


	15. Rebel Yell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on previous comments ... and if you've been picking up what I've been putting down... some of you are going to like this chapter very much.  
> Plus its my birthday soon so here's a present for y'all. Enjoy 🎁😊X

[ **REBEL YELL** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)

_**  
I'd sell my soul for you babe  
** _   
_**For money to burn with you  
** _   
_**I'd give you all, and have none, babe  
** _   
_**Just, just, justa, justa to have you here by me** _   
_**  
Because  
  
** _

_**In the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more  
** _   
_**With a rebel yell, she cried more, more, more  
  
** _

_**She wants more,** _

_**more, more, more, more** _

**  
BILLY IDOL**

As time passed you could feel the Mark's ripple effect on all three of you. Dean was practically a lit fuse most of the time, only calming if you were touching him or after an extreme burst of violence.   
The effect on your sex life was intense, both of you needy with sexual tension and raw from the constant antics for its relief. Your skin chaffed almost everywhere and still, you couldn't get enough of him. As Cain had predicted your sense of connection was stronger, but with it, your predilections becoming more depraved. You were also getting more and more reckless, demanding, or letting him take you anywhere, less and less worried if anyone might see, only that he was inside you, both of you desperate for release.  
  
Sam was affected too, you could see it when you hunted, all three of you more focused, less compassionate... more bloodthirsty. You and Sam possibly able to dial it back more easily than Dean, but it was certainly not how any of you would normally operate. And it was you and not Dean who had to be pulled back when you were faced once again with vampires.   
  
You always enjoyed killing vamps. Each time you killed one, it felt like some sort of victory or tribute to Suze, but you had never lost it like this before, surprising yourself and the boys as you worked a case Jody had called you in on. She had a young girl named Alex in custody, who had been abducted and raised by vampires and was reluctant to give away the location of the nest. 

It had begun as you questioned Alex, your anger building as you listened to the boys talking. Telling her they understood that because the vampires had taken her when she was young, she might feel some loyalty to them after being with them so long, but that what they had done wasn't right. Your fury rising as she insisted they were family, that she had willingly fed them her blood, looked after them because they looked after her.

'They're fucking vampires.' You exploded, unable to listen to any more. Jody, Sam, and Dean turning to you in surprise. 'They abducted you, fed off you and you consider them family?? They're murdering monster scum. Vermin who kill innocent people. How the fuck could you even think about protecting them? Just tell us where the fuck they are.' You yelled, slamming your hands down on the table. 

'Okaay. We're going to need a minute.' said Dean, practically picking you up as he hustled you out of the interrogation room. Backing off when you shoved him away in the corridor outside.

'Get off me, Dean.' You growled.

'What the hell baby? What's with the intimidation tactics? She's a teenage girl. You're normally all in with the empathy... she's not going to cooperate if we yell at her.' His face a mask of confusion. He'd never seen you lose your shit like this, and you had never shoved or pushed him away like that before.

'Fuck you, Dean, she's protecting monsters. She might as well be one herself. We have to find that fucking nest before they get anyone else.' You could hear the blood rushing in your ears, vibrating with rage. You knew you might be overreacting, but you were too angry to give a fuck.

'Hey, hey. I know. We'll find them.' He soothed, moving toward you slowly.

'You don't know. What if we're too late? You and Sam were too late to save Suze. And I didn't know how... I hesitated. I was too fucking slow.' You stormed, your jaw ticking in fury.   
'What if they kill someone else's Suze because that stupid little brat thinks they're her fucking family?' You shouted, raising your hands in frustration. Pounding the base of your fist against the wall and crossing your arms. 

'Fuck. I'm so sorry Rookie. I didn't even think.' He muttered, suddenly understanding. Pulling you into his arms, huge biceps holding you tight as you tried to push them away, resist him because if you didn't then you'd cry. And crying wasn't going to save someone. Kill a vampire. Stop a nest of the motherfuckers. Crying wouldn't do jackshit. You didn't want to cry, you wanted to stay angry, steeling yourself and breathing slow breaths, until he eventually drew back. 

'I think this might be too personal for you right now baby. So soon after the anniversary of her death. Maybe you should sit this one out yeah?' He suggested, rubbing your arm.

'I'm not sitting anything out, Dean.' You said through gritted teeth, shrugging him off. Your eyes still flashing as you forced yourself to calm down. 'I'll go get a coffee while you talk to her, because I can see I'm not helping. But I'm not backing down. Suze's death is why I do this - why I became a hunter, remember? There's no frigging way you're benching me. Just go see if Sam's puppy dog eyes have worked yet, so we can find the nest and kill these sons-of-bitches.' Turning and walking away before he could say anything else.  
  
Dean turned back toward the door, swearing at his own stupidity and insensitivity, realizing that normally he'd have picked up on cues from you sooner. You were constantly looking out for him and the Mark, and now he felt like a self-absorbed asshole. He kicked the wall in irritation before taking a deep breath and stepping into the room. 

*

You sat in Jody's office waiting for the boys, the two of them eventually coming in to tell you they had a hit on where the nest might be located. You didn't ask too many questions, but noted they had left Alex with Jody who was taking her to her family cabin. You loved that Jody was so caring, but you couldn't help feeling that her need to mother this girl was misplaced.   
Pushing it aside, you headed to the nest, finding only one vamp on site, who was quickly captured by Dean. You let the boys take the lead on questioning him, given you weren't really in the mood to do anything other than kill right now, and you definitely didn't have the patience to chat. Your fears for Jody confirmed as he told you that Alex had been luring men as food for her vampire family for years, that their vamp 'Mother' truly looked at her like a daughter, and she'd stop at nothing to get Alex back. The three of you suddenly realizing that Jody was in a hell of a lot of danger with the rest of the nest headed her way and closing in.

You looked at Dean. 

'We done here?' 

He raised his eyebrows in confirmation, barely having time to do much more before you had swung the machete in a wide arc. The vampires head falling to the floor as you did so.

'Great. One down. Four to go. We better get to Jody fast.' You said, ignoring the look the brothers gave each other as you walked past them and out the door.

You arrived at Jody's family cabin to find her unconscious and bloody. Alex nowhere in sight. Despite some strong reservations and the fact she was hurt, Jody wouldn't take no for answer and insisted on coming with you back to the nest, she was adamant that Alex was a good kid who deserved a second chance. Dean eventually agreed, but was clear that this was primarily about killing the vampires - saving Alex came second, Jody reluctantly nodding as she got in the car.

You headed back into the nest once again, the boys going upstairs while you and Jody checked out the ground floor. You heard noises from the basement and began heading in that direction when a loud thump and muffled cry that sounded like Dean came from above. You looked at Jody and flicked your eyes downward, silently agreeing to split up. Jody giving you a warning glance and you returned it with a nod. You didn't fully understand how, but you knew for both of you this had become about redemption. Hers was saving Alex, yours was killing as many vamps as possible for Suze.

You made your way quietly and slowly up the stairs, cursing every creak of the old house along the way. When you reached the top you followed the sound of voices to a nearby room, staying in the shadows as you saw Sam tied to a chair with blood draining from him into a glass jar - Dean on the floor unconscious. One of the vamps was questioning Sam about their dead 'brother', trying to find out whether it was Sam or Dean that had killed him. He didn't see you plunge the syringe full of dead man's blood into the one standing over Dean. Only looking up in time to see the flash of silver as your swung your machete, his head tumbling to the floor as you walked back to the vamp that was pulling the syringe out of his neck and trying to get to his feet. 

'Bitch.' He screamed, the dead man's blood bringing him back down to his knees. You saw Dean's eyes fluttering open and trying to focus, watching as you crossed the floor.

'Hey, you know what? Your dead brother? That was me.' You snarled, standing over him. 

'Your other dead brother over there... Me.' You shrugged. 

'And you... ' Raising your arms once again, the sharp blade slicing easily through vertebrae, spinal column, blood and bone, his head rolling free and coming to rest near the fireplace. 'That was me too.' You panted.

'Sonofabitch baby, that was hot as fuck,' gasped Dean slowly get to his feet, Sam nodding his head as you moved to help him get free and wrap his bleeding arm.

'Wow. Really hot. Thanks.' Sam murmured in agreement, rubbing his wrists and arching his back before he turned and went quickly downstairs - heading to the basement to check on Jody. 

You could barely hear either of them, blood and adrenaline coursing through you, your central nervous system still amped and alert. Your body on fire, hot and needy.

'You okay Rookie?' Dean's voice low and husky as he looked over at you, his eyes roaming, dark with lust, biting his lip as he took in your reaction. Noticing the way you were still breathing heavily, arching your back, clenching your thighs together.

'Fuck. This hasn't happened before. I'm so wired.' You were practically vibrating with need. '..and so fucking turned on right now. Is that sick?'

Dean was on you in seconds, slamming you against the wall, his hard cock pushing against your heated core, grinding against your hips as he kissed you slow and deep. Then again with more urgency, his tongue fighting yours for dominance.

'No baby. It's a natural fucking reaction to being alive.' he breathed, '... and watching you in action is hot as fuck.'

'Back at you Sir.' You said with a breathless grin, kissing him hard and unzipping him, grabbing his throbbing cock in your hand and beginning to stroke it. Oblivious to the blood, the dead monsters around you, the fact that Sam, Jody, and Alex were somewhere near.

Dean growled and pulled at your jeans and panties, quickly bringing them to your knees. You leaned forward and grabbed your ankles, holding them tight as he stood in front of you and flipped you upwards, holding your thighs and catching your ankles over his shoulders as he slid inside you, wrapping his arms around your lower back, thrusting up into you as he pounded you against the wall. You marveled once again at the gymnastics the two of you were capable of when it came to getting as much sex as you could, as quickly as possible. Sometimes you felt like you should start a frigging blog.

'Fuck Dean.' you cried out as he slammed into you, the angle and the restriction of your legs in your jeans making him fill you even more than usual. Stretching you to your limit then pulling back only to fill you up and slam into you once again. Impaling you hard and fast on his gorgeous cock.

'You are so fucking beautiful, so godamn badass... so fucking tight.' He panted, pounding you harder. 'Fuck baby I'm not going to last.'

"Me either. Feel like I'm on fire.' You gasped. Holding his face, kissing as he thrusted, until the pleasure became overwhelming, heat melting and erupting through you. You felt his hips begin to snap faster.

'Yes Dean, fuck.' You croaked, your voice hoarse with desire, letting go, shuddering and clinging to his neck as his hips sputtered and he came with two final thrusts, dropping his head on your shoulder. Both of you dazed and breathless with the release and exertion. 

'Jesus Christ Rookie.' He rasped, quickly letting you down as you heard footsteps downstairs, Sam's voice concerned, calling you both. 

'Coming.' You called back, the two of you zipping up. 

'Yeah, we did.' Smirked Dean. 'And in record fucking time.' His grin only growing wider as you smacked his shoulder.

*

That night you were subdued as the three of you had a nightcap in the library, Sam cornering you as Dean took a bathroom break. 

'You okay?' He asked, those hazel eyes locking you in with a penetrating stare. 'You know after today... this hunt. You weren't - well you. Not that you're not badass, but you're not usually quite so...

'Motivated? Driven?' You offered, chuckling darkly. 'Or are we just going to flat out say aggressive and crazy mean towards teenage girls?'

'I don't know. I feel like the Mark is changing all of us lately, not just Dean..' Sam faltered.

'Yeah I feel it Sam.' You nodded, suddenly serious. Your voice low. 'Cain said the darkness radiates, that it would affect those of us close to him. For me it's like this low-level hum, sometimes it vibrates through my whole frigging body. I can't even imagine what it's like for him.' You breathed. 'And it's not just hunting, fuck you've heard us I'm sure - everything is more... intense right now.'

'Yeah - uh yeah. Definitely.' Sam exhaled, blushing slightly. Making you wonder if it wasn't just amping him up on hunts like you'd previously assumed. If perhaps the sex and violence of the Mark was intrinsic, linking everyone close to it with the same needs and appetites. You felt yourself shudder slightly at the thought, hiding it with another gulp of your whiskey just as Dean returned.

* * *

The next morning you woke each other, hungry with need as usual, frantic as though it had been years instead of a few hours since you had each other last, showering together silently afterward. Your usual banter quiet, both of you lost in thought.   
  
For the first time, you were beginning to worry that you wouldn’t be able to counteract the effects of the Mark on Dean. That you weren't going to be enough.   
You watched as he stepped out of the shower, seemingly oblivious to your presence, walking over to the mirror and staring at himself like a man haunted, rubbing at the Mark. A constant companion, always there, whispering to him. Taunting him. Seducing him.   
  


You grabbed a towel and moved behind him, kissing his shoulder, placing your hand over his fingers where they lay on the Mark.

‘Is it getting stronger?’ You asked, knowing the answer.

‘Sometimes.’ He sighed, his eyes meeting yours in the mirror, the haunted look still there. ‘You help though baby. Don’t doubt it. Fuck, I can’t imagine trying to control this thing without you. And I’m sorry it's affecting you and Sam as well.’ Making you realize he'd heard the two of you the night before.

‘Hey.’ You soothed, bringing your arms around his waist, kissing at some of the bruises and marks you'd left on him earlier. ‘We’re the three musketeers, right? All for one and one for all?’ 

‘You've been hanging out with Dartagnan too much.’ He chuckled.

‘Meh. He’s a pretty helpful guy.’ You shrugged. ‘We’re going to find Abaddon Dean. And we’ll kill her, and Metatron and then we can just go back to the usual normal level of kinky sex we love, what do you say?’

‘I say that I can’t believe I just had a shower with you and didn’t actually touch you.’ He said, turning around in your arms, tugging at your towel, and dropping it to the floor. ‘So the first thing on my to-do list, is to fix that right now.’ He rumbled, lifting you onto the cabinet and spreading your legs wide, green eyes glinting as he knelt between them and pulled them over his shoulders, smiling up at you with that cheeky sexy fucking grin of his.

* * *

You received a call from Cass a few days later asking for help. You knew that the other angels were beginning to unite around him, looking to him to lead them against Metatron, but you were unaware how big the operation was until you arrived. You headed over to his headquarters, impressed and slightly concerned at the Godlike worship and obedience the angels seemed to have for him as you arrived. You could tell the boys were worried, especially because Cass's naivety with power had gotten him into all sorts of trouble in the past. Your sense was that this was different, that Cass was different this time, but Dean was typically skeptical and aggressively more so because of the Mark. You gave him a look that told him to cool it a bit, and he sighed.

'Ok, Cass so what do you need?' He grumbled.

'We have captured one of Metatron's angels and we need to get him to talk.' said Cass.

'And you want us to be your heavies. Do your dirty work is that it?' Rumbled Dean.

'Not if you don't want to Dean.' He replied.

'Now I didn't say that.' Dean's eyes cold, almost looking excited at the opportunity. Cass noticed the excited aggression and appeared confused, looking at you with concern. He hadn't been around Dean enough to see the changes the Mark had wrought, on any of you. You smiled at him softly and the three of you headed to the room where the Metatron's angel was being held. 

It turned out that violence and aggression were unnecessary, Sam managed to outsmart the angel who was big on pride and short on brains, quickly discovering Metatron had created a moving portal that enabled access to Heaven, along with an elite force that he had entrusted to do his bidding. Unfortunately, you also discovered that a short time after you left the room, someone had come in and killed him. Meaning Cass had a traitor in his midst.   
The three of you decided to have a look around and see if anything obvious stood out. Entranced by the many computers they had running, you decided to try and see what code and algorithms were being used, wondering if you could hook Dartagnan into anything that would prove useful later. One of the nearby angels logged you in, not noticing that you left a root command and open port so you could hack back into it later when you got home. You stood up just as Sam was walking past, the two of you walking into Cass's office to find Dean sitting at the desk looking strung out and distracted. Oblivious to everything around him.

'Dean! Are you gonna answer that?' Demanded Sam, snapping his fingers, trying to draw his attention to his ringing phone where 666 was flashing up. His contact name for Crowley.

'Baby.' You soothed, touching his arm over the Mark. His head jerking up at you in confusion before his instincts kicked in and he quickly snatched up the phone.

'Crowley? It's about godamn time.' He growled. Rolling his eyes at the usual unnecessary crap Crowley spouted before he got to the point. 'Great. Where is she?' Nodding as you mouthed 'Abaddon?' to him, watching as he scrawled instructions on where to get the Blade and meet up. 

You couldn't help but wonder what effect being close to the First Blade again would have on Dean, or all of you, the Mark's effect becoming more pronounced daily. You pulled him aside as you headed out to the car.

'Hey, you good on being near this thing again?' You asked, drawing him in close. 'You've been a bit off lately - like just now in Cass's office. What the hell was that?'

'I'm fine.' He said a little too quickly, a little too excited. You gave him a look.

'Okay, I hear you. I know.' He grumbled, pushing your hair behind your ear and bringing you in for a kiss. 'You're becoming a buzz kill, you know that?' He teased.

'Oh baby, I buzz you more than enough.' You smirked, grinding your hips softly against his before pulling away. 

'That you do sweetheart, that you do.' He chuckled, taking your hand and leading you out to the car.

* * *

Having retrieved the First Blade you pulled up across the street from the hotel in Cleveland, Ohio as directed by Crowley. All three of you looking around nervously as you wondered what you were walking into. 

'Ok, you guys take the basement. Make sure there's no surprises waiting - Crowley said he thought there were some of Abaddon's people down there, so she might know he's here. He couldn't check himself without being recognized. I'll check out the main floor before heading up to the penthouse.' Dean ordered, taking the Blade. 

'Dean?' You looked at him in surprise, glancing at the Blade.

'Trust me, Rookie?' He asked, making you sigh and nod. He gave you a soft kiss and then took off, leaving you and Sam to circle round to the back entrance.

  
*

You scanned the empty basement, having checked any obvious places. There was no sign of demons or anything else that looked off, the vibration edging through you however was another matter.

'I don't have a good feeling about this Sam. I can feel the Mark. Like it's activated and singing.' You looked at him in fear, as he nodded.

'I'm not uh - tuned in to him/it as much as you - but yeah. I feel it. Somethings off. Come on.' He said, heading for the lift and the penthouse. 

You burst in to see Dean being held up against the wall by Abaddon, the First Blade a few feet away on the floor, and Crowley bleeding in a chair.

'Ah excellent, just in time. Come on in kids.' She laughed, slamming you and Sam against the wall. 'How nice Dean, we can add your brother and your little whore to the list of people you get to watch me kill.' grinned Abaddon.

Her grin dropping as the Blade started to rattle on the floor, all of you transfixed as it leapt into Dean's hand. His face twisted and almost unrecognizable with murderous rage as he slid down the wall and stalked across the room. All of you shielding your eyes as he drove the Blade deep into Abaddon's ribs, skewering and lifting her off the floor, sparks and energy pulsing out of her and lighting up the entire suite. Her body eventually falling limply to the ground. 

Your sigh of relief short-lived as you watched Dean kneel over her and continue to stab her with the Blade, blood spattering all over him, his face still focused on killing, as if he was unaware she was dead. He seemed possessed, as though he was continuing orders, unable to help himself.

'Dean. Stop. You can stop.' Yelled Sam.

'Baby, look at me.' You commanded. Dean looking up at you both in confusion. 

'Its done. Let it go.' 

Moving to put your hand on his head as he dropped the Blade. Pulling him sideways towards you, stroking his hair as he collapsed against you, doing his best to keep his blood-covered hands from touching you as you soothed him. 

'Good work. You did it, Dean, you killed her. Let it go, baby, okay? Just let it go now.'  
  


*

The aftermath of Abaddon's death was quiet. Crowley clearing the room of her remains and quickly disappearing with his son Gavin, despite the potential time impacts and protests of the boys. You looked around the lush penthouse suite, remarkably untouched for all that had just happened, and then over at Dean who was still covered in blood. 

'Babe - you should clean up before we go anywhere. You can't walk through a hotel lobby looking like that.' You sighed. Laughing at the look of indignant surprise and then resignation on his face. 'Go on. Get in the shower and I'll bring you some of this excellent whiskey that Crowley has so thoughtfully left behind. We've got this whole penthouse to ourselves - might as well use it huh?'

He grumbled lightly but did as he was told, Sam chuckling as he walked over to you, taking the glass you had poured for him.

'You really do know how to handle him.' He grinned.

'Well, I've had lots of practice handling him.' You smirked, licking your lips. Only realizing you'd unconsciously made it sexual when you saw Sam catch his breath, staring at your mouth before clearing his throat. His eyes darkening.

'Yeah. So I'm uh - just going to take Dean his drink.' You murmured, feeling the heat that had been there since Dean picked up the Blade earlier surge through you again, making your pussy throb. You knew Sam was feeling it too. All of you affected, the sexual tension from the Mark lingering and omnipresent now that the violence and danger was done.

You quickly walked to the bathroom, watching Dean from the door. Taking it all in, the rivulets of water meandering over his edible shoulders, trickling down his back, over those strong glutes and thighs, the gorgeous semi-erect cock, the strong hands, the full lips. Fuck his body was beautiful. You sighed, taking a sip of the whiskey to quell the building hunger as he switched the water off.  
  


He dried himself quickly, wrapping the towel around his waist, looking up to see you standing in the doorway.

'Can I help you, lady?' He smirked, knowing the look on your face - the lust blown eyes and the bitten lip, all too well.

'I... ' Your throat was dry and you couldn't actually get words out. Despite having seen him naked hundreds of times before, right now the need reverberating through your body made you entranced as if it were the first time. Your breath catching as he moved towards you, a wolfish grin on his face as he took the whiskey from your hand, his lips dangerously close to yours as he whispered to you.

'What is it, Rookie? Cat got your tongue?' His green eyes flicking down to your pussy, glinting with amusement at the lame joke, and darkening with hunger as he began walking you slowly backward across the bedroom. Your body obeying his silent commands without question, allowing him to guide you with one hand at your waist, your eyes locked on his. Your breath catching at the predatory way he stared at you.   
Your legs hit the edge of the bed, a tiny push from Dean sending you down onto the mattress, landing softly with your arms splayed around your head, hair fanning outwards, gazing up at him with aching need, totally open and at his mercy. Your back unconsciously arching and your breath quickening as he stood above you licking his lips and grinning. 

He knocked back the last of the whiskey and set the glass on the bedside table, his eyes roaming and low lidded as he leaned over you, kissing you, your body arcing up to meet his, tongues sliding over each other, hot and wet. His hands all over you, his mouth on your neck forcing your head sideways towards the pillows, making your mind fritz... a nagging thought barely making its way through.

'Dean - the doors.' You manage to whisper, unable to turn your head but knowing the double doors to the bedroom are still wide open, giving Sam a full view of the bed, the two of you. That he'd be able to see Dean nuzzling your neck, his hand at your breast, groping and pushing up under your top, the other hand popping the button of your jeans and sliding inside them, slipping through your soaking folds. See your closed eyes and face filled with wanton abandonment and bliss.

'Are you really bothered baby?' He husked. 

'Uh - I..' You couldn't respond. Afraid or unwilling to turn your head as Dean's mouth moved lower. Not looking to see whether in fact Sam is watching. The thought of it and Dean's fingers intensifying your levels of need, sending sparks of fire, making your head spin. Tiny moans and expletives dropping from your lips like prayers as he worked his magic inside your pussy.

'You know I heard you talking to Crowley in the dungeon that day Rookie.' He growled, his voice low in your ear. 'You want two cocks at once baby? Is that what you want? Sammy and I taking you both at the same time? Huh?' You moaned, clenching around his fingers in response, your body answering faster than your mind could keep up with. 

'Ah yes, you fucking do - don't you? The Mark's got you fucking super needy, hasn't it? Fuck sweetheart, so wet, so hot for it huh?' 

Your brain taking a minute to realize you'd effectively just told your boyfriend you wanted to fuck him and his brother. Shit.

'Come on baby - tell me what you want. Do you want both of us?' He purred. 

You nodded, eyes shut, scared to look him in the eye, lost in the bliss of his fingers.

'Got to use your words baby girl, need to hear you say it. Tell me.' He murmured, his fingers playing you harder and faster.

'Ah fuck Dean.' You panted, keeping your voice low, whispering in his ear, his fingers pulling you closer to the edge. 'Want you both, want to be fucked by you and Sam at the same time.'

'Mmmm two brothers at once huh Rookie? Tsk tsk. Such a naughty naughty girl.' He growled loudly, biting your neck.

'Sssh Dean. He'll hear you.' You gasped, beginning to tremble as the white-hot coil in your core threatened to break. 

'Oh, I think Sam's keen. Aren't you Sammy?' Smirked Dean, looking at you as he called over his shoulder. Your head flicking to the right and eyes snapping open to see Sam standing at the foot of the bed. 

'Dean...uh.. shit.' You exclaimed as Dean thrusting his fingers deeper, working your clit with his thumb and pushing you over the edge. Your orgasm washing over you, making you cum while your eyes were still locked on Sam's, watching him take it all in as you shook on Dean's fingers, your toes curling, your body flushed with heat, noticing as Sam's body reverberated at the sight of you, rigid with desire. His jeans stretched and the denim straining to contain his rock hard cock.   
  
Dean slowly pulled his fingers out of you, smiling at Sam, his voice soft and commanding.

'She looks incredible when she cums, doesn't she? Come on, taste her little brother, she tastes amazing - so sweet'. Said Dean, offering his fingers out to Sam. 

You expected Sam to refuse. To pull his usual bitchface at Dean's antics. Staring in shock when he leaned forward licked around Dean's fingers, his eyes focused on you, dark with lust. 

'Why don't you two get to know each other a little bit.' Said Dean, taking your hand and pulling you up off the bed. Kissing it gently before putting it into Sam's much larger one. Heading to the living room to top up his whiskey.

Sam looked down at you, pressing his other hand into the small of your back, pulling you toward him, against the hard outline of his cock. 

'You sure you want this?' His face lit up with hunger but holding back, tilting his head towards yours, needing confirmation, seeking permission. 

You nodded and suddenly his lips were on yours, soft and warm. You were surprised at how easily you kissed him back, how natural it felt to open your mouth to him, letting him brush your tongue with his, moaning at his touch. He smiled into the kiss, his tongue more insistent now, seeking entry, groaning with restraint. Trying to take his time but edgy with the need to have you, to plunder your mouth, explore your body. His huge hands quickly moving everywhere, warm under your tee shirt as he palmed your breasts, hot as they slipped inside your jeans where Dean's fingers had been only minutes ago. Firm and gentle at the same time, making you moan at his touch. His lips lingering on your neck, sucking, biting, his fingers busy, teasing, roaming, exploring your slick swollen folds, rubbing your clit, and then they were inside you, making you gasp against his cheek and clench around them.

'Sam, fuck.' You breathed, arching backward, opening your mouth further as he kissed you deeper, his tongue filling your mouth, making your head spin. 

Both of you pulling back when you heard Dean's voice in your ear, unable to help the small whine as Sam withdrew his fingers, licking them as he stared at you, his eyes narrowed, predatory. And you were most definitely his prey. You shivered a little, your pussy soaking wet and your body aching with need.

Dean turned you towards him, his hand stroking your face as he kissed you, staring deep into your eyes, talking to both you and Sam, but his full attention only on you.

'So everyone okay if we use traffic lights?' He hummed. 'Anybody feeling anything but green, say so and whatever it is, we stop - no hard feelings.' He stated, gently pulling off your top as he spoke and throwing it behind him. 

'Sam - the usual?' He asked, turning to him as Sam nodded back in confirmation.

'The usual? How often do you two do this?' You exclaimed, not sure why you were surprised that they had done this before.

'Hey.' Dean soothed, kissing you as Sam moved behind you, his large hands trailing along your sides as he moved to undo your bra, sliding it off your shoulders.  
  
'Not that often, and not for years.' said Sam, his voice warm and reassuring. 

'The usual just means respecting each other's physical boundaries and that this is purely a one-off. Okay baby?' Dean's voice husky and loaded with desire as they switched places, moving behind you as Sam moved in front, synchronized as always.

'Now what about you sweetheart? What are your rules?' Dean asked, his breath hot in your ear, his hands warm on your breasts as Sam began to slide your jeans down your legs. 'This is your rodeo Rookie, we're just your stallions.' You looked up him, predicting his smirk, unable to help smiling back.

'I - uh. I just have one rule - the same one you had with Carmelita, uh Suzy.' You replied, kissing the tip of his nose before turning to look down at Sam, gulping a little because you still couldn't believe you were actually doing this, let alone saying it out loud. Not to mention he looked hot as fuck on his knees between your legs, pulling your boots and jeans off as he stared up at you, smoking hazel eyes alert, waiting to hear what you were going to say.  
  
'So uh - Sam, I'm all good with everything else, and everywhere else...' You said, trying not to blush. '... but Dean is the only one who is allowed inside my pussy. Is that okay with you?'

'Sure. I'm good with that.' He smiled up at you as Dean nuzzled deeper into your neck, obviously happy with that too.

'Fuck I love you.' He murmured quietly in your ear.

'Oh, and one other thing Sam? I'm going to need you to take these clothes off right now, because covering up that body of yours is an absolute crime.' You giggled, watching as Sam smirked, inclining his head with a nod as he obeyed, pulling off his shirts and undoing his jeans as you turned to Dean.

'And you Sir - drop the towel.' You commanded, looking him up and down.

'Yes ma'am.' He rumbled, dropping the towel and pulling you to him, kissing you hard. His tongue deep inside your mouth, his cock heavy and already leaking against you. You felt the searing heat and ownership of the kiss, melting into it. He might be sharing you with Sam tonight, but you were all his and this kiss was making sure you knew it, your legs trembling slightly by the time he let you go. 

You looked between the two of them and bit your lip, forgetting to breathe for a second. They were spectacular. Their hard muscles, the dips, and trails that just begged for fingers and lips to explore, the tanned skin, freckles, and scars. You could spend hours working your way through the two of them and happily go back to the beginning and start all over again. Not to mention the perfect cocks and gorgeous faces that were looking at you right now with such a combination of love and lust that you might just explode on the spot.   
You put a hand on each of their chests, kissing and licking at Sam's tattoo, his nipple, moving up to his lips, your hand trailing down to lightly grasp his cock, feeling him stiffen, leaving your hand there moving lightly as you moved over to Dean to do the same. Dazed and breathless by the time you were done.

'Come on baby girl.' Dean smiled softly down at you, taking your hand from his cock and leading you over to the bed. 'We're going to take such good care of you Rookie. Make you cum so godamn hard sweetheart.' He rasped, sitting behind you as he sat you on the edge, kissing your neck and holding you open for his brother as Sam crawled between your legs, teasing you with feather-light kisses on your thighs, his soft hair continuing to do the same as his mouth closed over your clit at the same time Dean's hands closed over your breasts and tweaked your nipples.

'Shit. I'm not sure I'm going to survive this.' You panted, breathless already as Sam's fingers joined his talented tongue.

'Fuck, you taste even better than you did on our fingers.' Purred Sam, his mouth covering you, flicking, licking, and sucking like a man starved. 

'You like that baby, Sam eating you like a meal? Does his tongue feel good? Make those pretty noises for him. Let him know how good it feels.' Encouraged Dean, kissing you, his hands roaming over your breasts, his fingers pulling at your nipples.

'So good Sam. Your tongue feels amazing. More. Fuck. More please Sir.' You moaned, mewling and gasping as Dean moved backward, pulling you down to lay flat on the bed. Leaning over you, resting his hands on your wrists, holding you down for his brother as his perfect lips began attacking your breasts.

'So godamn hot like this Rookie. All laid out for us.' Rasped Dean, his voice full of that whiskey rumble of sex that you loved.

You felt the molten heat building once again. Dean pining your arms, his mouth hot and slick on your nipple, biting, flicking and sucking, making you writhe and arch as Sam's mouth and fingers kept working you, lapping at the slick wetness of your pussy. The sensations overwhelming, your hips grinding down on Sam’s fingers and tongue, your head thrown back, eyes squeezed closed, the pleasure short-circuiting your brain, almost too much to take. The two of them moving in harmony, their mouths traveling over your skin, working hard for each moan and cry that fell from your lips. 

'Fuck those noises are the best baby.' Said Dean, Sam nodding in agreement, his mouth full of you, moving faster, his eyes glinting up at you, lit with fire as your hips and legs trembled beneath him.

'You going to squirt Rookie? Show Sammy just how fucking hot and wet you get?' Dean husked, watching Sam, giving him orders, his eyes roaming your body, looking for your cues.

'That's it, Sammy, up just a little bit...' 

He leaned closer to you, sucking on your neck, biting down, marking you. 

'So fucking close aren't you sweetheart? Come on, cum for us - let go.' Ordered Dean, suckling your sweet spot, filling you with fire, the coil deep within your core exploding, whiting out your your vision. The spreading dampness as you shook and shuddered with the release, expletives, and agreement coming in loud gasps.

'Fuck Sam..' You shouted, thousands of tiny sparks pinging behind your eyes as he continued to lick you clean, your body bucking with aftershocks as you rolled into another orgasm, eventually falling breathless back onto the bed.

'So godamn hot.' Rasped Sam, kissing your thighs.

'Good girl.' Praised Dean, stroking you gently and pulling you up to kiss him. 'You okay Rookie? Still green?' He asked, his eyes searching yours. You doing the same, making sure his brother eating you out hadn't flipped a jealousy switch, both of you finding nothing but love and connection, smiling at one another as you kissed.

'Alright then, on all fours baby girl, facing Sam.' He hummed, flipping you over onto your stomach, his hand trailing down your back as Sam rose to stand at the end of the bed, smiling down at you, licking his lips, his face still wet, covered in you. Dean immediately positioning your ass in front of him, as he began working your slick into your tight hole. 

'Hey Sam, wanna check my jacket pocket?' You heard him rumble. Your eyes catching the small tube of lube that he always carried as Sam tossed it across the room. 'Told you it always comes in handy sweetheart.' He grinned, returning to rimming and gently opening you up, as Sam returned to stand in front of you at the foot of the bed. 

'You're so beautiful. Fucking amazing.' Sam rumbled, stroking your face. 

You smiled up at him, still blissed out from your orgasm, seeing him differently, not as Sam your friend, but as Sam the sexy as fuck man. Noticing how big he was, how hard he was, pre-cum leaking from his tip. You sent a silent thanks to their parents, Chuck, whoever was else responsible for how fucking gorgeous these men were. And the fact that right now in this moment, they were all yours, both of them, all of them and it was awesome.

'C'mere Sam.' You smiled, coming up from your elbows onto your hands so you were on all fours. Your mouth opening as he held his beautiful cock against your lips, tracing their outline before pushing into the warm wetness of your mouth, groaning and swearing as your tongue swept in a circle around his tip, flicking up against the underside of his cock before sucking harder and drawing him in deeper.

'Fuck, just like that.' He breathed, his eyes shining down at you in adoration, his hands going through your hair. 'Look at you, taking my cock so well. Such a good girl. So beautiful.' Your lips moving faster as he praised you, hips bucking up as Dean's tongue rims you harder, his fingers slipping inside your pussy, his thumb circling your clit. You're not sure how much longer you can last, your body so very primed and eager to cum. Dean's mouth pulling away from you, making you whine around Sam's cock. The hard slap of his hand on your ass making you jump in surprise, taking Sam a little deeper, his groan of appreciation audible.

'Such a naughty, naughty girl Rookie.' Dean growled, smacking you once again, driving his cock into you from behind. Filling you completely, your pussy stretching, your tight hole burning as he scissors his fingers, your ass cheeks tingling from his hand, your mouth straining around Sam's huge cock and all you want is more. More of Sam's cock, more of Dean's thrusts, his fingers, his smacks, more of the stretch, the burning, just fucking more.

'You like sucking Sam's cock baby girl? You look so hot taking both our cocks sweetheart. Letting me fuck your pussy while Sam's fucks your face. Such a good little fuck toy for us huh?' Feeling you clench around him as he spoke, smacking your ass again as they began to rock you faster between them, watching as you lost yourself in the sensations, electrified with how fucking amazing it all felt.

'Jesus. You're so good at this. So perfect.' Grunted Sam grabbing your head with both hands, his groans becoming louder as they work you back and forth, back and forth, your mind spinning, getting lost in the rhythm. All of you swept away by waves of pleasure. Dean thrusting deeper and harder as he added more lube to your tight hole, pumping his fingers in and out as he dragged his cock against your g-spot, pulling out till only the tip was inside you, before pushing back in again. Working your clit faster as Sam's hips began to buck.

'Fuck. You feel too good.' Sam shouted, no doubt releasing weeks if not months of pent up tension, bringing your own orgasm closer as you watched him start to come undone, swirling your tongue and sucking him in further, letting him hit the back of your throat, looking up at him from under your lashes once again as his body trembles and his cock twitched. His face exquisite as he shot his load down your throat, staring back at you with wide eyes. 

'That's it, Rookie, swallow it all down. You like that? Swallowing my baby brothers cum like the perfect cockslut you are huh?' Dean's filthy words and sexy fucking voice sending you over the edge once again as Sam pulled out of your mouth. Your pussy clenching and clamping down as you began to shudder through your release. Your brain going offline and white heat pulsing through you.   
  
'Fuck yeah baby, so hot and such a naughty girl.' Snarled Dean, feeling the ripples of your release begin, smacking you over and over, his hips moving faster as his fingers worked you harder. 

'Yes Dean.. so good...' The rest of your response lost in a cry of pleasure as the two of you came almost simultaneously, Dean fucking you through it, his hips jolting against yours as he came deep inside you.

'Wow. You muttered as Dean fell onto the bed beside you, Sam already laying on the other side. All of you breathing heavily and grinning.

'Jesus Christ you're incredible woman.' Dean eventually rumbled, moving over to kiss you. 'Still green?' He murmured.

'Oh definitely.' You smiled, kissing him back and then turning to Sam.  
  
'What about you Sir? Still green?' You asked, kissing him softly, giggling when he pulled you closer, kissing you harder. Wet and dirty, eager for more.

'Oh yeah.' He smirked. 'Still green and definitely not done with you yet.' His hands roaming your skin, causing little tremors and earthquakes as they traveled over your nipples, snaking between your legs. His fingers gentle but attentive, drawing you back into need, desire building once again in the pit of your stomach as he continued to kiss you. Tongues meeting in the smooth hotness of each other's mouths, devouring each other and exploring. You were so lost in Sam's kisses it took a minute to register Dean's gentle bites at your back. Making his way up and down your spine, nibbling and nipping at your shoulders as his fingers returned to your tight hole, keeping it open, making sure you were still prepped.

'Shit.' You panted when you and Sam eventually came up for air, overwhelmed by two mouths and four hands so completely focused on bringing you pleasure. 'I'm definitely going to die from this, it feels too good.'

'You deserve it.' Mumbled Sam, his mouth full of your breast. 'Want to make you feel amazing.'

'Treat you like the beautiful goddess you are baby.' Agreed Dean, nipping a little harder, adding a third finger, smiling into your skin as he made you arch upwards. 'Worship this body, love it like its supposed to be loved.' He grunted, suckling a particularly tender spot as Sam slipped a second finger inside your pussy and flicked his tongue around your nipple, both of them watching you twitch and spasm in awe, your chest rising as you tried to catch your breath.

'Get you ready for us.' Whispered Sam. 'If you still want both of us at the same time?' 

Sam smiling into your throat as you quickly nodded, probably a little too fast, but no point in pretending now. Your face twisting with the delicious sensations rolling through you as they continued to work you over, closing your eyes and giving your body over to it, to them. The hum of the Mark still present, edging you all on.   
  
You heard Sam clear his throat and opened your eyes, seeing them have one of their silent conversations, relishing the fact that this whole experience was no doubt a lot better because of it. The way they moved together, knew what the other was thinking, no need for lots of conversation, all of it only adding to the fact that they were sexy as fuck.

'Okay, you ready baby girl?' Murmured Dean, pulling you towards him, stroking your face and looking at you with so much love you thought you might burst. 

You smiled back, leaning forward as you straddled him, your lips brushing his ear. 'Love you so much, Dean Winchester. Forever yeah?' 

Watching his beautiful face make a perfect o shape as you slid down his cock. 'Forever baby.' He nodded with that soft smile, the one he uses just for you as he exhaled. The two of you moving in slow rhythm as Sam pressed in behind you, his large frame leaning over yours, his voice soft and husky in your ear.

'Remember, just amber or red if it's too much and I'll pull out straight away okay?' Kissing you deeply as you turned to look up at him, your eyes telling him how ready you were, how much you trusted him.

'Want you, Sam, want you inside me. Fuck want both of you inside me.' You sighed, Dean pulling your forward, holding you still, his lips lightly biting and sucking your nipple to distract you, watching your face, checking you're okay. Sam's huge hands firm on your hips, his tip resting against you as he began to push in. Your body resisting, his size, and the fact that Dean was already filling you making you forget to breathe until Dean softly reminded you. 

'Fuck Sam. I'm not sure you'll fit.' You gasped, panting hard.

'Its okay baby, we've got you. Keep breathing yeah.' Dean soothed.

'You’re doing so good,' Sam whispered in your ear. 'It's okay, just relax for me, baby girl.' You opened your legs wider, screaming his name as he slid his cock deeper. Crying out incomprehensibly as Sam finally thrust his full length into you, lifting you, his hands firm around your hips.

'Fuck, you feel incredible.' He growled, bottoming out, holding still, checking you were okay.

'M-more Sam, please move.' You whispered, unable to stand it. Barely able to process how fucking good his cock feels, how good both their cocks feel, how full you are, stretched around them. White-hot heat and a pleasurable burning sensation intermingling, overwhelming you, as they pull out and push into you over and over, making you scream their names as they rock you between them. Your hips moving and rolling, completely at their mercy as they move in tandem. Your body reaping the rewards of their silent communication and years of synchronicity from hunting. Long slow strokes, wanting you to feel every inch of them as they worship you. Hot, sweaty bodies, consuming you with kisses, burning from the inside out. Fireworks running through your veins.

'Look in the mirror baby girl. You look so hot, taking our cocks.' Dean groaned, kissing you deeply, all of you moving faster, molten lava flowing through you. 'You love it don't you? Fucking both of us, being stuffed full of Winchester cock?'

'Yes, Dean. Fuck yes, so good.' You moaned, your skin blistering with the heat of being between them both, having too much and wanting more at the same time. Your brain glitching and going offline as you felt a deep primal shudder begin within your core, overloading, sweeping you away.

'More Sam. More Dean. Yes. Fuck I'm so close... I can't..' Riding them, being ridden... Your mind and words lost as your world melted, heat, and ringing in your ears as your central nervous system exploded. A deep keening noise falling from your lips as you let go, felt yourself fall, knowing they would catch you, hold you, keep you safe.

'Yes baby, so good, come for us.' Grunted Dean, thrusting quicker and harder, both brothers moving in tandem.

'F-Fuck. You feel amazing.' Stuttered Sam, feeling your walls clench and shudder around him, pulling his orgasm from him, holding you still as he came deep inside you, hips faltering as he let go with a roar. His kisses sweet on your back as he gently pulled out, Dean's thrusts regaining their rhythm, moving the two of you as you lay, all but spent on top of him.

'It's okay, I've got you.' He purred, holding your hips as he pushed up into you, moving faster and faster, pressing deeper, rolling you into another orgasm you didn't know you had in you.

'Dean.' You pleaded, unable to hold on, his arms coming around you, holding you to him as he pulsed up into you, filling you with thick ropes of cum. Kissing your sweat plastered forehead as you collapsed on top of him.

'Holy shit.' You muttered.

'Good girl baby.' He soothed. 'Fuck you did so good.' 

'Amazing.' Said Sam, lifting you gently off Dean, throwing him a damp hand towel and wiping you down with another that he was holding. Their cum still spilling from you as he lay you back on the bed. Your arms too floppy and your body too fully sated to care. The three of you climbing into the King Size bed, Dean falling asleep almost immediately. Sam peppering sweet kisses across your face and neck, as you lay between them, stroking your arms and back as you slowly come down. 

'Thank you for tonight. Between the Mark and ... well anyway, I really needed this.' He smiled, kissing your lips.

'I think we're pretty even. You boys might have broken me. There's definitely some sort of record for most orgasms in there somewhere.' You giggled, your giggle fading as you saw the look on his face.

'Godamn. You're so beautiful. It was really nice - just for tonight to pretend.' He said softly. 'To see what it's like to be on the other side of the wall. Be in the room and get some visuals to go with all the amazing noises you make.' 

'Oh Sam.' You sighed, not sure what to do. Suddenly wondering if tonight had made things worse for him.

'Sssh. It's okay. Really.' He murmured, kissing you harder, his tongue seeking entry as his hands began to roam, your body responding to him even in its exhaustion. 'Just one more, please? Want to see you cum one last time before I go back to just being your best friend.'

'I..' You breathed, forgetting whatever it was that you were going to say next, your hips moving in time with his fingers as they moved to match his kisses, deep and penetrating. 'Ah fuck, that feels so good.'

'I love you.' He rasped as you came for the last time. Kissing you gently, but leaving no doubt that the kiss was a goodbye.  
You smiled at him sleepily, exhausted, noticing that for now at least, the Mark was finally quiet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rebel Yell - Billy Idol  
> [ Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4)  
> [ Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdphvuyaV_I)
> 
> 🔥🔥🔥  
> Phew! And as long as this chapter is, it could have been longer - there's a whole sequence that is now a separate one shot because it messed with the pace and flow. I'll publish it after this is finished. Hope you enjoyed.. 💙
> 
> One more chapter to go...


	16. Don't Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry. You should go get some tissues.

**[DON'T CRY](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) **

  
_**If we could see tomorrow, what of your plans?  
** _  
_**No one can live in sorrow, ask all your friends  
** _  
_**Times that you took in stride, they're back in demand  
** _  
_**I was the one who was washing blood off your hands** _

_  
**Don't you cry tonight** _  
_**  
I still love you, baby** _

_**Don't you cry tonight...** _

**GUNS N ROSES  
**  
(Alt lyrics version)

Instead of being sated, remaining quiet, you noticed in the days following Abaddon's death the fire in your veins and the heat between you and Dean became stronger, your desires becoming darker. The Mark was like a throbbing connection, the Blade having activated its need to a point that neither of you could resist, the demand only intensifying with every minute that you weren't feeding it. 

Even when you weren't together, you were thinking of him. Thinking of sex with him. It was getting out of hand, so you had decided to spend the day apart, Dean going on a supply run and you down in the armory, doing target practice when you saw your phone flash.

_Dungeon. Now._

He had lasted four hours. So much for that plan.   
You arrived downstairs, your skin flushed with heat already. You could see the Mark's effect on Dean, feel it in your own body as you literally ripped each other's clothes off, biting and scratching to get to each other's skin. He smashed his lips into yours, bruising, drawing blood in his desperation. You felt the warmth drip down your chin and the copper on your tongue as he invaded your mouth, the taste clearly firing him up more as he pulled you towards the demon cuffs hanging from the ceiling.

'Love being tied up like my little whore don't you?' He snarled, locking your wrists and pulling them tight above you.

'Fuck yes Sir.' You groaned, aching with need but loving the rawness, this blind craving for being taken rough and hard, the attraction to pain - and the pleasure flip side of it - stronger than ever. You loved it when he fucked you hard and senseless, calling you names, leaving bruises on your wrists, neck, and breasts.

Dean moved behind you, pulling you against him, his hands roaming as yours were held high above you, pulling and kneading your breasts, moving slowly down your body, pushing your legs wide apart, biting then sucking on the back of your thighs and your calves as he snapped the cuffs around your ankles, holding you open for him. He stood behind you once again, his fingers trailing up the inside of your thigh and then dipping roughly inside you. He thrust them in and out, making your moan with need, pulling them out and smacking your soaking cunt with his open palm. 

'So wet, so fucking desperate for my cock aren't you?' He husked, almost in awe. 'We'll have to see if you're a good girl, see if you deserve to cum.'

*

'Fuck Sir, please.' You pleaded, aching with need. He'd had you on the edge of orgasm for two hours, chained at his mercy and convenience. Much as you fucking loved it, you were desperate to cum. He'd never been this rough with you before, and the pulsing need for release was explosive. Your body so primed that the slightest thing was sure to set off detonation.

'What have we discussed?' He demanded, smacking his hand on your aching pussy, your legs held wide open for him by the demon cuffs at your ankles, arms stretched above your head.

'Being good Sir.' You groaned, arching as he trailed his fingers through your folds.

'Exactly. Good fucktoys take what they're given from their Masters and don't come until they're given permission.' He barked, sliding two fingers inside you, using them to hold you still as his other hand snaked around to your ass and delivered a loud thwack. White pings of light dancing behind your eyes as he did so, the skin raw from the paddling and whip he had used earlier. His fingers moving faster inside you as you felt your legs beginning to shake, removing them once you were at the edge again, making you whine as he did so. You were so fucking ready to let go, rules be damned, but you wouldn't get your turn to dominate if you gave in, and boy did you want to give him a taste of his own medicine. 

'What if I just take what I need again and leave you wanting? What are you going to do about that little cock slut?' He demanded as he slid inside you once more. He'd already come inside you twice, and in your mouth - the Mark making him insatiable and his recovery time impressive. He played with the anal plug that sat firmly inside you as he began pounding in and out of your soaking cunt, removing and replacing it with his fingers. Fucking you harder in both holes, the pain exquisite as you teetered on the edge.

'Such a needy little slut. Want to cum now little whore?' He demanded.

'Y-Yes Sir.' You stammered, your body shattering into a thousand pieces as he gave you permission to come undone. Fucking you through it, tipping you from one orgasm to another. 

You were barely conscious by the time he was finished. He undid the cuffs, whispering sweetly to you, putting you into a robe and carrying you to the bathroom in the far corridor near the infirmary, the only one that had a clawfoot bathtub. Laying you down in the warm water and bathing you gently as you watched him with a lazy smile. Surprised as you saw the sadness on his face, the way he was looking at your body in horror.

'Fuck baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.' A tear tracking down his cheek.

'For giving me crazy orgasms? Or for edging me so hard.' You teased.

'For doing this to you and your beautiful body.' He croaked, his eyes tracing the deep bruises and marks that littered your skin. 

'Hey.' You soothed. 'I'm okay. I liked it remember? Begged for more?'

'It's the fucking Mark.' He growled. 'I don't want to hurt you baby girl, and I don't want you, to want me to hurt you either. Not this bad, not like this. This isn't me - this isn't us.' His face dark as he finished bathing you, quiet and withdrawn for the rest of the evening.

* * *

You found him working on Baby the next day, it was his meditation and thinking place, where he always went for solace. You had left him to it for several hours that morning, giving him time.

'Hey.' He murmured, looking up at you.

'Hey yourself.' You smiled, kissing his cheek. 'Feeling better after some time out with your second favorite girl?'

'You reckon she's second huh?' He smirked, leaning into your soft punch to his ribs and pulling you close.

'Talk to me, Dean.' You whispered, kissing his temple.

'I just... I just can't anymore.' He stuttered, making you freeze.

'Can't what?' You asked. 

'This thing with us, using you for the Mark, hurting you... I can't do it anymore.' He sighed. Your breath coming out in a whoosh as you realized he wasn't talking about ending your relationship.

'I've been thinking all morning, all night. Fuck for weeks. I can't do it anymore... use you as some sort of sacrifice to the Mark. It's going to ruin us baby - ruin our relationship. Ruin you. I can't hurt you till you're nearly unconscious. Or fucking rely on you to bring me back when it gets the better of me and just hope I don't hurt you when I'm in the middle of some godamn killing frenzy and too jacked to know who you are, or pull shit like the thing the other night with Sam...' His voice trailing off, making you hold your breath once again.

'You - you wish we hadn't done the thing with Sam?' You croaked, your throat dry. Knowing he'd done it for you, afraid he now regretted it, looked at you differently because you fucked his brother.

'Hey no, it's all good. We did what we did and had a good time. I loved seeing you having such an awesome time.' He soothed, stroking your cheek. 'I just. I dunno if we would have gone there - any of us, if it wasn't for this damn Mark. And it was reckless of me to suggest it. Potentially jeopardize what we have over it. You okay still? No regrets?'

'I'm good. I mean it was fun. Wow was it fun.' You smirked raising your eyebrows. 'But I'm happy to leave it as a once-off. Happy to have just the one Winchester looking after me... because I definitely do not have any complaints, Sir.' You smiled, kissing him softly, pushing him back against the car. 'Did I also mention, that you look hot as fuck right now?' You murmured, nuzzling his neck, sliding between his legs, turning to look up at him. Grinning as he rolled his eyes.

'You're insatiable woman.' He grumbled, tilting his neck to give you better access.

'Definitely.' You whispered, licking his ear. 'But you know how much I love you right? Whatever comes, we deal with it together yeah? So I'm okay with it. I'll do anything I can to help you with the Mark.' You purred, pulling his arms around your waist. 'And I can deal with a little pain. I don't know if it's the Mark but I'm liking it more and more. You know that.'

'That's just it. I don't want that.' He growled in frustration, green eyes glittering, looking down at you and holding you locked and still in the center of their piercing gaze. 

'l mean it, Rookie. I hurt things for a living. It's my job and I'm good at it. Sometimes I enjoy it.' He admitted, sucking in a breath. 'But here, us. Fuck, this is my escape from that. You're the soft goodness that makes that shit go away. I don't mind the odd games, but we're not going down that path full time ok? I'm not going to have you on a rack one day covered in bruises and scars and think that's an expression of my love, because it's not. I don't want it to be.' He stated. His voice clear and commanding.

'And the Mark?' You asked, confused as to how he thought he could deal with it otherwise.

'We'll deal with the Mark. It can't be the only way.' He soothed, kissing your cheek and pulling your head to his chest. 'There has to be another way baby.'

* * *

Things started to fall apart quickly once Tessa the reaper died. The army of angels Cass had raised up and united, turning on him. Believing Dean had killed her, rather than the truth - that she had thrown herself onto the Blade in despair. Made worse by lies from Metatron, they demanded Cass choose between Dean and them, that he kill Dean to prove his loyalty once and for all. It left him with no choice, he would never kill Dean or anyone else, simply to prove a point, but all they could see was that he chose Dean and so they left. 

While it obviously wasn't Dean's fault that Tessa had chosen to kill herself using the Blade, the Mark was making you all agitated and Sam was furious that Dean had taken it with him when he had specifically asked him to leave it behind, challenging Dean as you all arrived back at the bunker.

'I can't believe you brought the Blade with you, Dean. I told you not to - and now look what's happened.' He exclaimed, dropping his bag on the table in the War Room.

'Look, Sam, I'm not apologizing and I'm not explaining. I'm telling you how it's going to be.' Growled Dean. Even before the thing with Tessa he had been on edge and raw for the last few days. Since your discussion he had dialed back your sex life to the bedroom only, removing the dungeon sessions entirely and the lack of release was noticeable in his demeanor.   
  
'The Blade is the only thing that can kill Metatron, and I am the only one that can use it. So yeah, no matter how much it activates me, I'm not leaving it behind. Period. And until I jam the Blade into that douchbag's heart - we are not a team, this is a dictatorship. You don't have to like it, but that's how its gonna be.'

Sam glared between the two of you and left, striding quickly down the corridor. Dean looked at you to see if you had anything to say, but you had had enough of fighting for one day, taking a breath and heading up the steps to the library to check on Cass instead, Dean following silently behind you.

'Hey Cass, how are you doing?' You asked softly.

'I'm fine.' He murmured.

'Right. Cept your batteries are running low - you're nearly out of angel juice?' asked Dean.

'I have enough grace to get me through to the end of this. Though I'm not sure how I'll win without an army.' He paused, looking at you both. 'Please you must believe me, I didn't have anything to do with Tessa or any of those bombers killing people in my name - it has to be a set up by Metatron...'

'We know - we believe you.' You reassured him, Dean nodding.

'So its just us now?' Sighed Cass.

'Hey, we've been through worse with less.' Rumbled Dean. All of you startled as Gadreel suddenly appeared at the bottom of the stairs, your shouts bringing Sam running. You heard Dean growl as he approached him, Gadreel quickly reassuring you all that he came in peace. That he realized Metatron was not an angel of honor and wanted to talk. 

You could tell Dean was unconvinced by Gadreel's offer of help, his plea that he wanted to work with you all to bring Metatron down, by giving you information.  
That's why you were surprised when Dean offered his handshake in agreement. Your body pinging with vibrations and fear only seconds later as he suddenly grabbed the Blade and swung it forward, cutting deeply into Gadreel's chest. The only reason he didn't manage to kill him was because Sam and Cass moved so fast, restraining him and making him drop the Blade. All three of you escorting him to the dungeon, Dean protesting the whole time that he was fine as the rest of you stared at him.

'Baby - you're not fine. Ever since Abaddon, the Blade is making you strung out.' Not saying out loud that you knew he kept it under the mattress, so he could touch it during the night whenever he needed to.

'That was a dick move, Dean.' Muttered Sam. 

'Gadreel might be our only chance at getting to Metatron.' Cass added.

'Oh, so we're going to trust that douche? You remember where trusting him got me last time - right?' Yelled Dean.

'Ok. You need to chill out for a bit. We'll be back.' Sam looking at you directly, knowing you'd been planning to stay. 

'I'll be back shortly.' You murmured, kissing Dean's temple as the other two went ahead. 'Hang in there okay? I'll help. I promise.' You lingered a moment longer before heading out. Unwilling to leave him. Sighing as you shut the door.

You walked back upstairs, meeting Cass and Sam at the top. 

'What's the plan then guys?' You asked, folding your arms.

'Gadreel has gone. Taken one of the cars.' said Cass, his normally calm features looking anxious.

'I think you should distract Dean for a bit and we'll find Gadreel and talk to him. See if we can find out some more information. He's injured so he can't have gotten far.' Said Sam. 'Dean is a loose cannon and Blade or not, Metatron has the angel tablet so we need a proper plan. We can't just go charging out there. We don't even know where Metatron is.' 

'Okay. But keep me posted. I think at this point it's not good to keep him physically too far from the Blade too long - and unfortunately, I can only help so much.' You muttered.

You returned to the dungeon to find Dean pacing back and forth.

'Babe?' You asked, taking his hand when he refused to look up. He was trembling, sweaty, and needy. You could feel it, feel it echoing through you and your own body.

'C'mere. You said, pulling off your top and pushing down your jeans, heading towards the cuffs in your underwear.

'No Rookie.' He said, grabbing you and kissing you softly. 'No cuffs. No paddles. No whips. None of that. Just you and me yeah?' 

He pulled off his shirt and tee shirt, lifting you up on to the table in the corner. 

'Just me and my best girl.' He murmured. The hunger rising between you quickly as you kissed, tongues exploring, wet and smooth, hot and needy. You undid his jeans as his hands came up behind you, undoing your bra, the two of you moving in familiar rhythm. This dance you had done together so many times before.

‘So fucking beautiful. So mine.’ He murmured, sliding his hand down your body, trailing across your stomach and down towards your panties, pulling them aside and sliding his fingers inside you.

‘Fuck Dean.’ You cried out, all of the want and need, and worry for him colliding as he did so. Desire and heat flooding through you, making it hard to breathe.

'Always so wet for me baby girl. So perfect.' He husked, licking your pulse point, nuzzling into your neck as his fingers worked you hard.

'Please Dean, need you inside me now.' You gasped. 'Need you to fill me up.'

He smiled at you in a way that made your heart explode and your pulse race. Leaning in, removing his fingers to rub the tip of his dripping cock against your glistening hole, your hips immediately bucking upward, chasing the sensation as he used his hand to guide his cock, sending little bolts of electricity through your body as his knuckles brushed against your folds. Each touch causing the insides of your thighs to twitch and a whimper to fall from your mouth as he slid inside you. His cock stretching you, the tiny burn only lasting a second, his kisses deepening as he pushed in further. The sensation overwhelming, your hips flexing up for more, your mouth full of his tongue, clinging to his shoulders as you got lost to all sense of anything but him as he drove himself in and out of your pussy. The obscene noises echoing around the dungeon adding to the pleasure.

'Always feel so fucking good Rookie.' He sighed, the pleasure on his face mixed with restraint. As amazing as it felt, you knew he was holding back. Fighting the Mark that wanted him to go deeper, harder rougher. Moving slowly where the Mark wanted pounding, jackhammering, and pain.

'More Dean.' You urged, come on baby - let go. I can take it. You need it. It's okay.' You whispered.

'Its not okay baby.' He growled, thrusting in and out of you, grinding slowly, kissing you, loving you. 'I told you. I'm not hurting you again. Never hurting you again.' He kissed you sweetly, hitting your g-spot over and over, rolling his hips, moving them faster and faster. Taking you deep. Smiling into your eyes. 

'So fucking good baby, so beautiful. Fuck I love you.' He murmured, trying to overwhelm the Mark's hunger with sweetness, with his love for you.

'Dean..' Your voice becoming strained, your orgasm building. Realizing that the connection of the Mark between you wasn't just amping up pain and violence. That all of Dean's focus on love, on sweetness and care for you, everything he was doing to supersede the Mark's darkness and fill you with love and light right now is being channeled also. You can feel it viscerally, in every nerve ending, and it's so beautiful it hurts, makes you want to cry with its purity and divinity.   
  
You send it back with the same passion and watch his face as he too feels it, both of you staring at each other in awe. No words able to describe the exchange of energy flowing between you. Love seeming far to small a word for what is happening to all your senses. The true beauty of one another's souls revealed. The flawless and unconditional acceptance of one another, the selfless desire for the other to be happy, well, and okay like nothing you've ever experienced before. Joyous tears falling down both of your faces as the feeling rises within you. So strong you feel like you can't take anymore, like you might not survive if it becomes any more encompassing, overwhelming. That your heart is going implode.   
You cling to his shoulders, only barely able to hold on. He watches your face twitch, your back arch, then the shuddering vibrations pulsing from your pussy to his cock as you are overtaken by molten waves. Rolling and rippling through you over and over. Crashing his hips towards yours he lets out an almost inhuman growl, giving one last deep thrust as he finally lets go, cums with you, filling you up as he got swept away. The two of you not moving, staying there, just breathing, and holding each other. Trying to process what just happened. Still feeling connected in your euphoria, so physical and yet ethereal at the same time. Shifted. Different.

'Wow. That felt like...' He shook his head, unable to find the words.

'Touching heaven.' You breathed.

'Baby I've been to heaven - and that, whatever that was. There's no comparison. That was something else. Something far better than anything I've ever known existed.' He husked, kissing you gently, slowly pulling out of you. You felt the connection break as he did so, almost snapping as he moved away. Both of you looking at each other in surprise. The bliss still pulsing through you as the shock of the disconnect began to make itself known. 

Watching as he seemed slightly off-balance, struggling to pull on his jeans, reaching for his tee shirt when he suddenly doubled over in pain.

'Dean, fuck. Are you okay?' You asked, watching in horror as he struggled to stand. Moving quickly over to the corner and vomiting, most of it blood. Leaning against the wall as you ran to his side, stopping as he put his hand out, afraid to touch him in case you made it worse. He wiped the side of his mouth, looking at the blood on his hand and the blood in the corner.

'It's the Mark. Something... uh.' He cried, doubling over once again, making your heart stop. 

'Shit. Okay - I'll get Cass.' You yelled.

'Wait, baby, no.' He panted, looking up at you, his eyes cloudy with pain. 'I was reading about this the other night. It's in the book in our room, I've marked it. Don't - uh.' He gulped at the pain. 'Don't bring it down here. I'll only distract you and everything you need is up there. Read it up there and get the ingredients together. I'll wait here.' He moved to sit in the chair next to you as you threw your clothes back on. Fear clutching your heart as you looked at him.

'I'll be fine sweetheart. Go.' He murmured, seeing you fighting the need to stay with him. 'Seriously, I'll text if it gets bad.'

'Ok. The faster I go - the faster I'm back.' You whispered, kissing his temple. 'I fucking love you, Dean Winchester, so don't die while I'm gone okay?' Only half-joking.

'I love you too Rookie. Go.' He croaked. Holding his side in agony and not looking at you.

It broke your heart to leave him, but fear propelled you up the stairs and into your bedroom. Of course, there were four books on Dean's side of the bed, it could be any of them. You took a chance with top one - scanning where he had left a page marker. Nothing seemed relevant at first until you found words that made your heart sink. You read them over and over, trying to make sense of them. Essentially if the bearer of the Mark did not kill or regularly use violence then he would become sick. The more he avoided violence, the stronger the illness, the Mark effectively forcing the bearer to kill. You searched the next several pages and chapters desperate to see some sort of spell or list of ingredients that Dean had mentioned, unable to find anything. Finally, in desperation, you tried calling him, but he didn't answer, the call going straight to voicemail. 

You ran down the stairs, your heart in your mouth, terrified you'd find him passed out or worse. Only to find the basement empty. You looked over to see a summoning bowl and assortment of ingredients on the table.

'Fuck.' You yelled. Realizing he'd tricked you. He'd sent you upstairs so he could summon Crowley. He already knew there was nothing he could do to fix the Mark except violence and he needed Crowley to get him away, to get him someplace that he could assuage the Mark temporarily. So he wouldn't take it out on you. Couldn't hurt you, even accidentally. Maybe to even try and get Metatron on his own, to keep you and Sam out of danger. You called his number once again.

'Dean fucking Winchester. As soon as I find out you're okay - I'm going to kill you myself.' You stormed, leaving him a voicemail. 'I can't believe you pulled this shit on me. You are an asshole!' You sighed, taking a breath. 'But you're my asshole, so fucking tell me that you're okay. I expect an update every few hours. Even if it's just a text saying 'Still alive' - you hear me?!' Growling in frustration as you hung up. A text message coming through a short time later.

_Still alive. I'm sorry baby. It's probably better this way anyway. I have to get to Metatron before he does more damage and I want you safe. I love you. x_

  
You yelled for Cass and started calling Sam. The two of them appearing in the War Room as you reached the top of the stairs, having found Gadreel and brought him back with them. You told them what had happened, not surprised to discover the Blade was missing from its case in the library also.

The four of you quickly came up with a plan. Gadreel and Cass would find a way into heaven to try and stop Metatron from accessing the angel tablet, while you and Sam found Dean and Crowley to make sure he didn't do anything stupid.

*

You called Dartagnan from the car.

'D - this is an emergency. Can you use your skills to find Crowley and or Metatron from the tap to all those supercomputers the angels have that I gave you the other week?' You asked.

'Hey Razzy P, already tracking. Crowley has been busy - popping up all over the place. Metatron not so much... Shit. I take that back, Princess. Fuck - based on the pic you gave me, he just performed a 'miracle' in Muncie, Indiana.' 

'What the hell?' You sputtered. 

'Yep, chick was run down and he brought her back to life, some skateboarder kid got it all on video. Sending dets to you now. Will keep you posted on Crowley pop-ups.'

'Thanks.. hey D?' You glanced at Sam. 'Can you please track my imaginary boyfriend's cell? He should be turning it on every few hours to send a text. The GPS will be off, but you might be able to ping towers or something?' 

'Sure thing. You want me to hack the phone and turn GPS on if I can?' 

'Yeah. That would be great. Thank you.' You exhaled. 'Oh and D? Don't be looking at his gallery or picture files.' You grinned, Sam giving you a side smile.

'Rapunzel - I would never.' He chuckled. 

'Yeah yeah.' You laughed. 

'Hey Princess, take care of yourself ok? This thing is getting big. I can tell by the patterns. You and your imaginary boyfriend need to watch yourselves.'

'We will. Thanks, D.' You logged off, looking at the information he sent through.

'Okay, Sam - let's go to Indiana.' 

* *

You found him with Crowley, not far from the 'miracle' site. As expected, following up clues and conducting interviews. 

'Hey Dean.' called Sam, the two of you leaning, arms crossed on the impala, outside the home of one of the witnesses. 

'Huh.' He said, looking between the two of you, putting his hands in his pockets. 'So I'm not sure what kind of intervention this is, but I'm not going back to the dungeon. I'm the best shot we have at Metatron and I'm taking it.' He looked at you, guilty but defiant. 'He has to be stopped. No matter the consequences.'

'I know.' Said Sam, standing to his full height. 'So, it's fairly simple. We're all looking for Metatron, and you're right. You with the Mark are our best chance to take him out, and thanks to Dartagnan we've got a pretty good idea where he is. Cass and Gadreel are currently in heaven trying to cut Metatron's access to the angel tablet to lessen his powers... So whatever this is.' He rumbled, gesturing with disdain towards Crowley. 'Let's park it and go get this douchebag.'

'Depends.' Said Dean, looking at you. 

'On what?' asked Sam, clearly annoyed. 'You think we're going to try and lock you up again? That I'm still mad at you?'

'No. I'm not afraid of you Sam.' He replied, inclining his head. 'But I do think Rookie is going to kick my ass seven ways till Sunday, and especially after the vamp thing - I'm a little afraid of her.' He said, hiding behind Sam slightly as he peaked round at you.

'You fucking should be.' You retorted, looking him up and down. Glad to see he seemed in better shape than the last time you saw him, not wanting to know how or why. 'Just get in the damn car Dean.' You sighed, rolling your eyes and getting in the front seat, forcing Dean to sit in the back.

'Yes, M'am.' He replied, nodding a goodbye at Crowley as he climbed in behind Sam, legs folded awkwardly and eyes flicking to you cautiously. The silence oppressive and the three of you barely speaking as you drove back to the motel that you and Sam had checked into earlier. 

*

  
Once there you headed inside, joining them around the small table, unsure of what to say. How to handle the situation. All you wanted to do is kiss and hug Dean, but you also wanted to punch and slap him for what he'd done and the panic he'd put you through when he took off with Crowley.  
You let Sam take charge of sharing all the intel you had, showing Dean the specifics of the location and where you expected Metatron to be. Dean, tentatively reaching out his hand to rest it on your thigh as Sam spoke, looking relieved when you didn't smack it away. 

At some point you stood and walked over to the window, looking out into the car park and trees beyond, seeing but not seeing. Listening to the boys making plans, but also not listening at the same time. Aware Sam had left the room to begin packing the car, hearing the click of the door.

'So - uh. How long are you going to be mad about me ditching you and calling Crowley?' Dean asked huskily, resting his hands on your hips as he came up behind you.

'I haven't made up my mind.' You grouched, arching your neck as he kissed and nuzzled it.

'Does that uh - help with the timeframe?' He murmured, licking and humming against the sweet spot of your pulse point.

'Maybe... but you know I'm perfectly capable of having sex with you and still being mad. I'm not going to be annoyed AND sexually frustrated just because you're being a dumbass.' You mocked, turning around.

'Oh, I know. Gotta say - not withholding sex even when you're mad is an admirable quality.' He smirked, his hands still on your hips. 'Something I've tried to learn from you.'

'Really? Somehow I can't see you withholding sex as a punishment, like ever.' You grinned reluctantly.

'Hey, I managed to last frigging weeks.' He pouted, eyes sweeping you up and down. 'Despite all sorts of sneaky tricks - like vibrators and ... you just existing.' 

'Yeah, but you weren't punishing me. You were doing that out of love.' You smiled, crossing your arms. 'Because you looove me. Same reason you called Crowley and ditched me... Because you looove me and didn't want me hurt. Dumbass.' 

'Alright, alright. No need to make me sound like some sort of goody two shoes.' He grumbled, rolling his eyes and grinning, his hands shifting to the small of your back, pulling you closer. 'I know it's only been a day, but I missed you.' He said simply. 'Fuck, so much.'

'I missed you too, stupid asshole.' You smiled, smacking his shoulder, letting him draw you into a kiss. It was long and sweet and perfect.

'...Rookie, uh..'

You tensed up, dropping your eyes, gathering your courage. You knew what he was about to say, you could feel it.

'Dean..' You looked up, into his eyes, held in them, drowning in them, his breath on your face as he exhaled.

'Baby - I'm sorry for leaving you. I really am. Especially after that incredible ... whatever that was. But I have to follow this thing through to the end, no matter what... and Rookie - I don't want you in there on this one.' Dean sighed, stroking your face. 'It's too dangerous. Metatron is shady as fuck, he can't be trusted on any godamn thing and I don't want you anywhere near. Can you do this for me? Can you stay here and wait? Like you did with the trials? ... Please?' He pleaded softly.

'Fuck Dean. You're asking a lot.' You muttered, searching his eyes, trying to discern any sign that he saw this as a suicide mission.

'I know baby. I know you want to be right by my side fighting - I appreciate that, I do. But fuck I can't risk you getting hurt, and Metatron is not your average monster of the week, with the angel tablet he's beyond even Abaddon, and if you're there I'll be too worried about you to focus on him fully. So please baby? Please will you wait here for me? ' He pleaded. 'Be the thing I'm fighting for Rookie, the reason I've gotta get home again - yeah?'

You knew there was no way around this one. Knew it was the right thing to do, to stay here. That the best, the only frigging shot you had against Metatron was Dean, the Mark, and the godamn Blade. But you didn't have to like it. In fact, you fucking hated it, felt like all sorts of wrong for no good reason you could articulate, other than the obvious fear that you could lose the man you loved. Your everything. You released a shaky breath.

'Ok.' You reluctantly nodded. Hating it. Hating that your head was nodding yes, when your heart was screaming no. 'Okay. But you fucking come back in one piece Winchester. Don't let that pompous little dick get the jump on you - promise?'

'Fuck yeah I promise.' He agreed, relieved. Pulling you against him and kissing the hell out of you, taking your breath away, pouring everything he had into it. You tried not to read into it, tried not to feel like he was kissing you goodbye.

'See you soon - yes?' You whispered, as he pulled back, holding his lips to your forehead.

'See you soon.' He murmured, kissing you one last time, and then he was gone. Your heart thudding in your chest as you watched them drive away.

* * *

You hadn't lasted long, the walls in the room closing in on you almost immediately. Your ears ringing and your body vibrating. The Mark calling to you.  
You'd tried to reason, tried to rationalize with yourself... giving up after ten minutes and leaving the motel room at a run. Every fiber in your being telling you that something was going to go wrong. Really wrong. Your instincts confirmed as you pulled up next to the impala in the car you'd stolen from the motel parking lot, and saw Sam unconscious on the ground.

'Sam?' You yelled, your heart in your mouth as you heard him groan. 'What the fuck happened?' 

'Dean.' He muttered. 'He wanted to go in alone - he knocked me out.' 

'I've got the worst feeling Sam. The Mark - it's fucking calling to me, practically singing. Something's off, we've got to get to him now.' You shouted, pulling him to his feet, both of you taking off at a run.

You navigated quickly through the encampment that was now a base to Metatron's new human followers, Sam pulling a gun on the crowd who tried to block your way.   
Your head pounding with the vibrations from the Mark as you came down the stairs to see Metatron and Dean fighting, Dean losing his footing and falling backward as Metatron raised his angel blade and stabbed him in the chest.   
  
You screamed like the pain was your own, terror ripping through you as you watched the blade withdraw and blood bubble up in its wake. Sam ahead of you, his long legs carrying him across the warehouse to Dean first, pulling the blade from Dean's chest as you followed close behind.   
Realizing they were both still in danger, you grabbed the discarded angel blade and went to stab Metatron at the same time as he disappeared, leaving you swinging it uselessly in the air. 

'Dean?' Yelled Sam, pressing his hand to his chest. Your own blood freezing in your veins as his eyes fluttered open. 

'I'm sorry.' He said, looking at you both. He looked weak already, resigned. And unspeakably sad that you were there to witness this.

'Stay with me. We've got to get you out of here.' said Sam, holding his chest.

'Hey, hey.' He soothed, looking at you both, resting his hand on Sam's, blood pouring out from underneath it. 'It's probably better this way - the Mark, it's making me into something I don't want to be.' His gaze falling on you and shattering your heart. 'Changing us - and I don't want us to change baby.'

'Shut up. We'll worry about the Mark later. We're getting you out of here, getting you to a hospital or Cass.' Commanded Sam, reaching down to pick him up. He had only gotten a few feet when Dean groaned in agony.

'Wait, stop.' Hissed Dean, it was obvious almost immediately that moving him was making things worse. You pulled off the shirt you were wearing over your tank top and began ripping it into strips as Sam lay him back down, resting his back against the wall.

'I'm proud of us Sam.' He smiled, pulling him close and whispering in his ear. 'You look after my Rookie, love her like she's supposed to be loved yeah?' The intensity of his green gaze locked on his brother, imploring and full of meaning. The silent exchange implicit.

'You can do that yourself Dean.' replied Sam stubbornly, moving aside, standing and turning to you. 'Ok. The less we move him the better. I'll bring the car around. You keep calling Cass.' He said, not looking you in the eye and taking off at a run.

'What the fuck Dean?' You scolded, slipping in beside him, praying and crying in your head for Cass at the same time. Moving his hand and feeling sick at how quickly the blood bubbled upwards. Immediately placing your hand and the rest of your shirt over it, applying pressure as you began to wrap the strips around him and tie them together. 

'One scummy little short angel got the drop on you? You've bested Knights of Hell, stopped an apocalypse, killed untold monsters, and kicked Lucifer's ass for fuck's sake. I'm going to give you such a hard time about this when you're better.' You teased, kissing his forehead.

He smiled at you, pulling you down to his lips for a proper kiss.

'Fuck you're beautiful.' He croaked. 'I know I say it all the time, but I don't mean how pretty your face is or what size your body is. It's you - all of you. You'll never know how fucking happy you've made me. Loving you has been the highlight of my life baby.'

'Sssh. Stop talking like that.' You shook your head, tears already falling down your cheeks.

'And you're the best godamn kisser ever.' He kissed you once again, drinking you in, his eyes devouring you.

'Promise me baby - You gotta let Sammy take care of you okay? Promise me.'

'Shut up Dean - you're not dying.' You sobbed, holding him together. Fuck, there was so much blood everywhere.  
'You promised me forever you asshole. You can't go back on that. Besides even if you do, you're Dean frigging Winchester - you'll be back.' 

'Not this time baby.' He rasped. 'Its time we stopped that shit. And Death is kinda pissed at me.'

'Look, it doesn't matter - you're going to be fine. Cass will get here, we'll get you to the hospital. You're going to be the-fuck-ok Dean.' You demanded, tears blurring your vision. 'Cass - where the hell are you?!' You screamed desperately.

'Sweetheart Sammy loves you. I thought so, but I had to be sure, just in case. So you wouldn't be alone again if... I don't want you to be alone again baby.' He took a labored breath. 'The other night - the way he kissed you, the way he looked at you. He's a good man Rookie. The best. And he loves you. He's in love with you. Let him make you happy ok?' His speech sounding slurred.

'Thanks for the hookup, but I'm kinda in love with someone else. He's an asshole with a hero complex, but he's my asshole and he's not going anywhere.' You said, looking down, noticing the bleeding was lessening. Thank fuck. You looked back up to his face and your heart stopped. His pupils were fixed and dilated, he had the sweetest smile on his face.

'My Rookie.' He whispered, the light fading from his eyes.

'Noooo. No. No. No. NO.' You sobbed, grabbing his face and burying your head in his neck, leaning on those shoulders, this chest that was your home. 'Baby no. Please. Please don't leave me here. Please, Dean. Don't go. Don't leave me. Fuck. I can't. I can't...I ...' 

You didn't notice Sam dropping to his knees behind you. The two of you sobbing on the concrete floor of some fucking warehouse, as Dean left you both behind. Taking your home with him. 

****** Sorry the 'Next Work' link isn't coming up, but here is next work in series: Part 7 - [Silent Lucidity](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24146971) *******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't Cry - Guns n Roses (Alt lyrics):  
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GXXBKO9eylc39OZKvVto4) //   
> [Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DPomaw9Sl0)
> 
> Other song and lyrics in running for this:
> 
> [Nights in White Satin - The Moody Blues](https://youtu.be/qbqxbGm9hBI)  
>    
> Gazing at people, some hand in hand,  
> Just what I'm going through they can't understand  
> Some try to tell me,  
> thoughts they cannot defend  
> Just what you want to be,  
> you will be in the end..
> 
> But I love you  
> Yes I love you  
> Oh how I love you
> 
> ******
> 
> Whew. What a ride this one was. I'm sorry - I really hadn't planned on leaving this on such a bummer note originally, and the good news is that the next (and potentially last) of the series is mostly written. In fact it was written before this and so had to ensure that Home fitted in with that... which might be why it became longer than I expected and its definitely why it ends where it does.
> 
> I had planned on publishing the final work after the show ended, but with all the pandemic nonsense and delays going on, well I'll just publish it as soon as I'm happy with it in next few weeks.
> 
> Hope you're all ok. Stay safe out there.
> 
> Ps. Hope you're not too sad. There is a happy ending of sorts - I promise. xxx


End file.
